Who I Am

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"-- Jesus  (Mark 5:41)

I remember reading the story of Jairus and his gravely ill daughter a couple years ago when I was in the depths of despair over my current situation.  Just before reading it, I remember I was curled up in a fetal position in my bed just crying out to God asking him to let me die because I couldn't face the pain I was suffering.  God called me to read His words at random, and I fell upon this story after leafing through my bible.  Jairus comes to Jesus asking for help as his daughter's illness is overcoming her.  As they are walking back to his house so that Jesus may meet the child, friends and family members are strewn about wailing over the young girl's death which occurred while Jairus was away.  Calmly, Jesus says, "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36)  Jesus places his hands on the little girl and says, "Talitha koum!" (Mark 5:41)  And she rises!

I felt like God was speaking directly to me.  I felt like His little girl, curled up in a ball on his lap, falling to pieces.  I felt Him stroke my hair, and gently whisper, "Get up.  You are going to be alright."  Because of these words, I put all my faith in God to bring me through what was killing me inside. Because I knew when it was all said and done, because I believed, I would be raised from the dead.

This was my devotional this morning.  I'm not dying from the pain of my situation this time, but I needed this reminder.  And just like before, God spoke to me.

I was praying two days ago asking God what he wanted me to do next because "I feel lost in who I am."  Those were the words I used when I spoke to him.

Then at church on New Year's Eve (What a fantastic idea to go to church instead of out to party!  I was so grateful for this!), shortly into worship, we sang "Made New" by Lincoln Brewster.

"You hold my head up

You remind me who I am."

...And the very next song was the one I heard that brought me to answer the altar call at church when I was 17.  The one that moved me to profess my belief that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.

...And as if that wasn't a clear cut message straight from God, our pastor's wife stood up and prayed an amazing prayer of restoration over the congregation.  Within that, she asked God to restore who we are in Him.

...And then this morning, I read, "Talitha koum."

I love how God speaks to me!  It's time to believe and to rise up, to remember who I am in Christ, to keep walking with my faith forefront in my life, to remember what is most important to me. (Revisit this blog from last January.)

Waiting for Boaz

I can give you a million excuses as to why I've only written once in the last year.  But it's between me and God.  At this point though, if I have any readers, do me a favor and keep me accountable. I'm diving back into daily devotionals, and writing after reading was always a way for me to really let it sink in.  So if you don't hear from me in a while, holler at me, not because you are dying to read my thoughts (even though I know you are, obviously), but because you want my walk with God to be as strong as ever.

Now on to the subject matter at hand...

I was at church a few weeks ago and stopped afterwards to chat with Rachael, a long time friend of mine.  We talked about finances mostly. I'm a single mom of four kids who has taken time off from working to give one of my struggling sons the time and attention he needs to function properly.  It's tough, but I'm getting by.  My faith hasn't faltered. Through all of this, I still know God's got this.  No. Matter. What.

After chatting, she asked if she could pray for me.  "Of course!" I said enthusiastically.  I love it when she prays!  It's moving.  You can feel the spirituality flow through you.  And for some reason, I always feel like her words to God pack such a huge punch in that moment.  I always come out of it feeling like something was heard. I know God always hears me, and you, and anyone praying, but there's just something about Rachael's words and how she presents them.

She started off the prayer thanking God for bringing me back to my home church, the one I went to in high school, which is why we were sitting together catching up in the first place.  She expressed how we are faithful in the fact that we know He holds my finances in His hands.  She asked God to open doors for me for specific opportunities that I wish to keep between myself, Rachael, and God for right now.  Then all of a sudden she stopped as if something came to realization.  As if someone standing next to her whispered into her ear that that wasn't what I needed prayers for at all...

She continued by asking God to not make me lonely anymore.  Something that we had not talked about once in our conversation, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because that, my friends, is what I am struggling with most right now.  Tears streamed down my face as she compared me to Ruth and asked God to bring me my Boaz.  Her words swirled around me and I felt lighter.  God knew I needed to hear that before I fell once again.

Now skip forward to a few nights ago....

I was lying in bed feeling quite forlorn. Bedtime is usually when this hits me the hardest.  I tuck my kids, my only daily company, in their beds, and there I am left to sit alone, to entertain myself, to comfort myself to sleep.  The weightiness of the desolation is painful at times.  I drown out the sorrow with TV and often sleeping medications because I just do not want to face it.

This night, however, I decided I needed to read the Bible instead.  The word "Boaz" echoed in my ears as I picked up my iPad and opened up the YouVersion app. I've read the book of Ruth before, but never really studied it. So I decided to look for a plan that focused on one chapter of Ruth each day.  I found one, clicked on it, and felt like God was smacking me in the face!

"Like Ruth, stay in your field and be faithful where you have been planted.  Remain where God has placed you. Don't stray away from the field that God has put you in for this season just to go into another field where you will be out of His will (Ruth 2:8-9)."

I've been wondering where God wants me right now because I feel lost where I am.  He answers so blatantly with such conviction sometimes!

But there's more...

"Ladies:  WAIT FOR YOUR BOAZ"

Just that one simple sentence.  "Wait for your Boaz."  I have little to no patience ever.  In all situations, I want what I want and I want it now.  I often go looking for what I want and find a variation of it ending up settling for what's not right for me because I'm too impatient to wait for what God intends.

God clearly shouted this at me when I needed to hear it most.  I mean, seriously, this was in all caps in the devotional. He makes me chuckle sometimes.

So I will wait....impatiently.  But I know it's what's best.  All of this has happened for a reason.  I know that when Boaz finally finds me, it will be better than anything because it is what God intends.  Marriage means a completely different thing to me now.

And as my mom said to me earlier this month:  "God is working on him before he brings him to you."

The Crazy Ones

I've been asked on so many occasions to write about my experiences with depression.  What does it feel like?  Why is it happening?  How do I deal with it?  It's difficult to explain these things because I don't even understand it.  I don't think any of "us" (the collective "us" represents all those with mental illness) understand it.  Yet, we understand each other because we don't understand it together.  See, I told you it's confusing.

With the loss of Robin Williams, Facebook became riddled with people who do not know how to react to depression, mental illness, suicide, self harm, etc.  It's heartbreaking that so few people strive to understand (even though they never will at no fault of their own) mental illness.

Robin Williams has always been one of my favorite actors. As a kid, I thought he was funny. As a teen, I saw his true talent. As an adult, I learned of his mental illness and began to look up to him. He was successful, happy, able to function and not defined by his illness. I wanted that.

I cried when I heard the news today. I cried because I adore him, but I also cried because we failed him by letting his mental illness overcome home.

Don't judge him, people. You don't know how it feels to be in a tortured mind. Instead, learn more about mental illness. We all owe it to those who are suffering from it. The more you don't understand, the more we (as a collective community with mental illness) give up. Because it's hard. We need your help.

Rest in peace, Robin. I pray your mind is finally at rest and you are no longer hurting.

I was asked once again after last night's Facebook post expressing my grief over the loss of an amazing man (above) to explain depression, suicide and cutting from my perspective.  It rattled around in my head for a bit because I honestly don't know how to do that.  I've tried. I really have.

However, I think it's pertinent that I let everyone that knows me know that I am one of them.  Yes, that's right. I'm one of the "crazy ones" (homage to Robin).  I have Bipolar Disorder and anxiety (here, educate yourself: Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety).  Both have been debilitating on numerous occasions.  To the point where picking myself up out of bed was so terrifying and torturous that it didn't happen for days (except the occasional potty break, of course, because otherwise that would be icky).  Depression has crippled me in the past to where normal every day functioning was not possible.  There's such a pain inside that you do not understand, that has no reason, that just eats at you.  When your heart feels like it's falling out of you and you have no way to figure out why or how to make it stop, trying to do anything is inconceivable.  It's so much more than just "picking yourself up and getting help."  You can't.  You just can't.  Because, you know, if you don't understand it, how will they?

Which brings me to cutting...  The unexplained, unmanageable agony inside leads to the desire to control some kind of pain.  I would cut half inch superficial wounds into my upper left arm.  Just enough to feel aching elsewhere.  Pain that I know has a cause, that I know how to stop, that I know will heal and go away.  I didn't want to injure or scar myself.  I didn't want to cause death or do any permanent damage. It's all about manifesting the pain somewhere else so what's inside of me doesn't hurt so much.  Or at least that's how it was for me.  (Please notice when talking about cutting I use past tense.  It's been four years in May since I last cut myself.)

And now on to suicide...  I have never tried to commit suicide, nor have I planned it or thought I could/would actually do it.  However, almost every single depressive episode I have had in my life has included thoughts of wanting to die.  It's not a control thing with this one.  It's feeling so hopeless that it is not going to end that the only way you can see out of it is to end it all.  The good along with the bad.  This should indicate to you how much misery comes from depression.  How excruciating it is.  How extremely desperate you are to make it stop that you would give up everything worthwhile in your life just to have that peace of not having to deal with it again.

To me, it makes perfect sense that people commit suicide.  I actually understand why.  What disturbs me is that no one was there to help them remember that the pain is going to end just like it did with the last wave and they just need to ride it out in their arms.  What baffles me is that someone wasn't there to get help for them and encourage healing through medications, therapy, just plain old love.  This is where education comes in.  Please do your part.

I just read back over this stuff and feel like I still am not doing it justice.  I told you, it's hard to explain something that you don't even understand yourself.

The best description I have seen thus far comes from Hyperbole and a Half.  I'm pretty sure Allie Bosch is in my head because every single thing she writes relates to me so incredibly that I think I wrote her blogs some times.  My sister introduced me to Allie's writings with this blog.  I cried all the way through it.  I finally FINALLY felt like someone was able to explain to the masses who are on the outside of depression how it feels to be in it.  Read it. I beg of you. Take the time to do it.  You won't fully understand, I've told you that you never will, but this will bring you one step closer.  She has another blog that is exceptional too: Adventures in Depression.  Read that one too.  You need to.  Especially if you personally know me, just read them both so you understand me.

Before I go, the one thing I want to get across to all of my readers is what you can do for someone like this, like me.  Be there.  Yes, that's it.  Just be there.  I have a couple friends who randomly send me love notes to check up on me.  "I had a fleeting thought of you today.  I wanted to make sure you are doing well.  Love you, miss you, hugs!"  Or I have one friend who sends me surprises to remind me how much I'm loved.  Surprises that I can actually wear on my body so I see them every single time I start getting down.  A custom made medical bracelet that she made for me has a secret message on the inside that says, "One day it will all be worth it."  I have a few friends who remind me of how much they love me simply by posting a word on my Facebook wall, "Squirrel!" I have an amazing sister and mom who have sometimes just held me while I cried and cried because they know that nothing else is really needed but their presence.  And more often than not, they cry with me.  Which makes me feel like they understand the pain too, or at  least understand how tortured I am in that moment.  I have friends who send me scriptures when they just have a sense that something is bothering me (Philippians 4:8).

Become such an expert on your friend that you know just by looking at them or hearing their voice that something is different and they need you right then and there.  And even if you aren't able to become that "in tune" with them, just be there frequently.  Check in, give love, hold them.  Educate yourself.  Please, just do it.  You have no idea whose life you are about to save because you read this and subsequently learned more.

Please share!

Doing "Right"

Oh the snow....

The kids had off of school for the entire week because of snow, cold, wind, blowing, drifting.  This puts a cramp in my work schedule because many kids at the daycare have parents who are teacher, and they don't come in when mom or dad doesn't have to go to work.  I worked two days this week.  The other days were lazy...very lazy.  And boring...so boring!

Cabin fever definitely set in. Then my body decided to throw something interesting into the mix by giving me a stomach virus on Thursday morning.  I know I was bored, but having to spend 12 hours with my head in a toilet was not what I was thinking when I wanted something to do.

My daughter and I binge watched Netflix.  It was good bonding time.

We slept a lot.  And ate a ton of junk food.  I believe we went through two boxes of 8-count Drumsticks in 3 days!  What can I say, we were just so lazy that cooking (even though we clearly had the time) just wasn't going to happen.

Bad mom award goes to....

We were so lazy that I put off reading my Bible each morning too.  Eh, to be completely honest, I started that a couple weeks ago...so ashamed.

I'm battling something lately.  I don't even know what specifically.  I'm just not feeling the whole "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" importance.  I keep making excuses in my mind.  "Who cares? God will forgive me anyway..."

I hate that mentality!

It's directly from the enemy.  Actually, whether you believe in the devil and his power over you or not, this mentality is the root of all evil.  I know the old saying is that money is the root of all evil, but that is wrong.  The rationalization of doing something you know and feel is wrong is where you stumble.  No, it's where you go crashing down.

Think about it:  You talk yourself into doing something that your inner self is saying not to do.  Yah, it's fun while it lasts.  But then the guilt sets in.  Guilt leads to depression and self loathing.  And that leads to anger. Oh that angry-go-round! All the while, you still try to rationalize what you did.

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4:17 NIV

This has been on my mind lately.  I've been praying about it a lot.  I know clearly what the Bible says about divorce and dating/remarriage after divorce.  For the last month or two, the thought has been coming into my mind that I deserve to find someone new who will love me the way I am supposed to be loved.  Maybe God is doing this to give me that opportunity.  He's closing one door to open another.

Lies.

God blatantly says in the Bible that remarriage after divorce while my husband is still alive is adultery (Matthew 19:9).  (**Please see note at the bottom of this blog if you are offended by this realization).  But God also says that all sins except blasphemy are forgivable (Matthew 12:31-32).  Does this then mean that I can do it because I know I will be forgiven?

Does that mean you can steal a car because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can lie to a police officer because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can kill someone because you will be forgiven?

If you know it's wrong, but know you are going to be forgiven, do you automatically do it anyway?

I'd like to go back and change all the "you's" in all of that to "I's" or "me's", but I don't feel like it.  Point is, I'm not condemning anyone.  I'm speaking about myself.  Would I do wrong knowing I will be forgiven?  I have, and I'm sure I will because I am of the flesh, but I will fight the desires to do so.

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires. The concern of the flesh is death, but the concern of the spirit is life and peace." -Romans 8:5-6

I kinda went off on a tangent here.  I had to reread all I wrote to get back to my point.

I'm battling with right and wrong lately in many aspects of my life.  And each time I choose wrong, I know it clearly because of the guilt.  Right now, although I'm so very lonely, when I think about maybe starting to date sometime after the divorce is official (which I suppose is going to be sometime this month), I'm condemned with guilt.  That's telling me it's wrong.  At least for now.  God will tell me if that will ever be right.

**IMPORTANT NOTE:  For all my divorced/remarried readers, I am certainly not here to condemn or shame you.  Jesus plainly says, "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come". (Matthew 12:31-32) Divorce, remarriage or even adultery do not qualify for the unforgivable sin, so each person who commits those things can repent and be forgiven.  All you have to do is pray to God asking for forgiveness and then not do it again.  Easy peasy!

Where are they now?

Oh, my friends, I have so much to say right now.  I could probably write ten different blogs on different subjects.  But I will start with an update...

So where are we in this journey?

First, I'd like to say that I no longer want to or need to stay anonymous.  My name is Taylor.  I have no secrets.  And if my husband and/or his family see this blog, I don't care.  They should learn a thing or two anyway.

In November, we had a pre-hearing where our lawyers discussed things in order to petition the judge for what we each wanted. I didn't ask for anything.  I didn't just "lay down and take it".  I knew what I was doing. I trusted God to make sure that He would make Luke give me what I was due.  And if he didn't, I knew He would sustain us no matter what.  After all, who are we to ask the unrighteous for help before we ask God?

"When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers" --1 Corinthians 6:1-5

I didn't "get" much.  I got my car.  And we basically agreed that I could take anything in the house that I wanted.  But I didn't take much either.  Like I said, I knew God would provide. I just took what I needed.  I didn't want to fight, not that I really think he would have. But I just didn't care to try either.  It wasn't worth it to cause a fuss.

So I moved out on December first with my youngest and my oldest (she's mine anyway, so he doesn't get her).  Before you say, "How can you split the kids?!?!"  It was just what worked for us.  Growing up in a broken home, I resented my father so much because I was forced to go visit him when I didn't want to.  My ten year old daughter doesn't enjoy going to her biological father's house as much as she should because she feels obligated to go.  I didn't want my kids to grow up with that.  And since my youngest (who has had extensive medical problems that I have taken care of since birth) is closer to me, and my oldest son listens to dad better, it just worked out that two of my sons live with dad full time and my other son and daughter live with me.  We have no formal parenting time arrangement either.  We go by our work schedules and we let the kids decide when they want to see us.  It's worked well for the last month.  I see my boys almost every day if just for a moment, but more often much longer.  We are doing well...I think anyway.  I know my kids are not completely doing alright because their family was just torn apart, but we are getting by.

According to the courts, the divorce will be final in February.  No specific date yet, but that's what I was told after our pre-trial thing in November.  It broke my heart.  I cried through the whole thing.  I must have looked like a blubbering idiot to the judge, my husband and his lawyer.  Actually, I bet my lawyer was taken aback too.  It's like I had no control over it though. It just flowed. I prayed extensively for the crying not to happen, but it did.  I wasn't scared or worried, just sad.  It hurt to hear my husband say to the judge that our marriage was beyond repair when he didn't even try.

But that's a moot point now. I've been out of the house for a month.  And I feel good.  Life isn't perfect, but I'm doing it with only the help of God.  That's all I need.

Last night, it came to my attention that my husband blocked me on Facebook.  Now it's not like I was even talking to him through that or harassing him or even looking at his page.  He just out of no where blocked me.  Didn't change our relationship status, didn't "hide" me, didn't just de-friend me.  No, he blocked me.  Seems extreme, and shocking, and hurtful, doesn't it?  I cried, I puked, I shook and yelled obscenities out to myself in my house (which I have worked hard not to do over the last nine months).  I prayed.  And I freaked out.  I ended up calling my mom on Skype and talked to her for an hour and a half.  I confessed a lot.  Many many things that have happened in our marriage.  Things that I have not told anyone in order to keep my husband's reputation in our community and church intact.  I felt better afterwards and I came to a decision....

I took my wedding ring off, and decided I'm done praying for restoration.  I do want restoration for my marriage. I do want my husband back and my family to be together.  But this is not my husband.  He is so far gone in hurt and anger that he is making awful, sinful, hurtful choices.  I want restoration, but not with this man. I want salvation for my husband before anything else.  And right now, I need to hand him to God to work on, because all he's doing is tearing me apart.  So my prayers from now on will focus on what God is doing in me, and maybe every once in a while I will pray for his heart.  But not our marriage. It needs to die before it's resurrected. (See Bigger Miracles)

So that's where I am now.  I'm doing alright.  In fact, read this:  "I am more 'Me' than I have been in forever..."  I can do this.  God's got it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Philippians 4:13

I am more "Me" than I have been in forever...

I wrote this as a Facebook status which really is what prompted me to start writing again.  This was like God saying, "It's time. I'm letting you speak out again."  I just wanted to share it on here for the record.  Who knows...someday I may need to reread this to get back to this point!

This isn't going to make sense to some of you, and to others it will make perfect sense. There will be a few who have no idea what I am truly talking about but will totally understand without knowing. And then there will be that select few who are going to see this and immediately judge me just because I'm popping up on their newsfeed, then maybe they will actually read, and that will lead to talking negatively amongst themselves about me, saying I'm being fake...and yadda yadda. Bear with me while I declare something....

Life is really hard, and frankly, it's really scary too. I've never had to do it on my own. I've always had people around to save me whenever I asked. Some of it their fault for not letting me do stuff on my own, and most of it my fault for not letting them let me do stuff on my own. Although, I am so grateful to have had them in my life, I'm abundantly grateful NOT to have them in my life to save me right now.

For the first time in almost 33 years, I am genuinely being me, only me. Not a daughter, not a sister, not a wife, not a mom, just me. This is the least "fake" I have ever been. God gave me a journey that is harder and sadder than I could have ever wanted to go through, but like we all say, "There's a reason for everything." He wanted me, only me. He needed me to find me, to know me. And He needed me to need Him and only Him so I knew that I could do anything through Him.

I'm proud of myself tonight because I did yet another thing on my own. Something so small and insignificant probably to most, but something that made me so proud because I did it. All the small things I do on my own, build up into one big thing. Finding a job, making a budget, moving furniture, endlessly unpacking, shoveling snow, putting together five shelving units, a desk and a filing cabinet/printer stand, making candies, cooking dinner from scratch, reading the Bible daily and making sure I make the time for that, cleaning the stove, negotiating a fair price for plowing my driveway, attending to other business like Friend of the Court, car insurance, bills, etc., truly and faithfully tithing, getting the kids to school on time while trying to figure out a new routine, making and sticking to priorities, and generally troubleshooting life... They build up to me growing up, to me having confidence in myself for once, to me not being the victim all the time, to me relying on the one and only thing that I should be relying on--God.

I have no idea what the future holds, only God does. The only thing I can do is pray about it and trust His will be done (and that I will be able to accept it when it does happen). All I do know, though, is that I am walking into the future a totally different person. A person I actually like and have faith in. I know I can do anything. It may be hard, it may be sad, it's probably going to break my heart even more, there may be times when I still want to curl up in my bed and give up, but you know what? God's got this...and that's all that matters.

Been A While

Yes, yes it has....

I last wrote in August.  That was one of the hardest months for me.  I hit a pretty significant low in this whole divorce adventure.  I actually contemplated suicide, which I only told one person and I am sure now if my mom is reading this, she's flipping out.  Don't worry.  I'm ok.  And I made a promise to myself ages ago that if the thought of dying to get out of life's pains ever came back in my head, I would tell someone.  Only one person though.  And they would help me.  So we're good.  No worries.

At any rate, that's how low I was.  After that I wrote this blog: Seek Ye First.  I took that very seriously.  God clearly spoke to me saying that I wasn't putting Him first in my life.  I am proud to say since that happened, I have read devotionals first thing every morning every day ever since.  But that's not all.  I really seriously put God first in everything.  I talk to God before I go to a friend when I am sad, mad, confused, etc.  I ask God for help when I don't know what to do.  I make sure nothing comes before Him and my relationship with Him and my need to learn more from Him.  God is everything.  As He should be.

After that blog post though, I kept thinking to myself that writing every day on this journey, filling my fans in on epiphanies I was having, having profound things to say about devotionals or my readings in the Bible, all that stuff was part of me seeking God.  But it wasn't.  I was seeking attention. I really wanted more readers.  I wanted to inspire others with my faith.  I was doing it for the wrong reason.

And that is why I took a break from writing.

That....and God made me do it.  He knew what I was doing and how I was going off on a weird path with this whole blogging thing and decided to give me writer's block.  Everything that I wrote sounded really dumb.  I have a few drafts saved on here to prove it (which shall promptly be deleted).  When I couldn't get the right words out any longer, I started looking back at what I was doing and saw my flaws.  I was wrong.

I thought several times I would come back and write, but I didn't.  The main reason is because I was still working on getting God first and foremost in my life, and I didn't want to allow the blog writing (and acquiring readers) to get in the way of that.  I put my big girl pants on and did what was right.  I let God lead me.

The last couple of weeks I've begun writing blogs in my head without even really knowing it.  They became Facebook statuses.  Just thoughts I had and wanted to speak out into existence, to no one in particular.  And that's when God told me I could write again.

So I'm back.