Who I Am

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"-- Jesus  (Mark 5:41)

I remember reading the story of Jairus and his gravely ill daughter a couple years ago when I was in the depths of despair over my current situation.  Just before reading it, I remember I was curled up in a fetal position in my bed just crying out to God asking him to let me die because I couldn't face the pain I was suffering.  God called me to read His words at random, and I fell upon this story after leafing through my bible.  Jairus comes to Jesus asking for help as his daughter's illness is overcoming her.  As they are walking back to his house so that Jesus may meet the child, friends and family members are strewn about wailing over the young girl's death which occurred while Jairus was away.  Calmly, Jesus says, "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36)  Jesus places his hands on the little girl and says, "Talitha koum!" (Mark 5:41)  And she rises!

I felt like God was speaking directly to me.  I felt like His little girl, curled up in a ball on his lap, falling to pieces.  I felt Him stroke my hair, and gently whisper, "Get up.  You are going to be alright."  Because of these words, I put all my faith in God to bring me through what was killing me inside. Because I knew when it was all said and done, because I believed, I would be raised from the dead.

This was my devotional this morning.  I'm not dying from the pain of my situation this time, but I needed this reminder.  And just like before, God spoke to me.

I was praying two days ago asking God what he wanted me to do next because "I feel lost in who I am."  Those were the words I used when I spoke to him.

Then at church on New Year's Eve (What a fantastic idea to go to church instead of out to party!  I was so grateful for this!), shortly into worship, we sang "Made New" by Lincoln Brewster.

"You hold my head up

You remind me who I am."

...And the very next song was the one I heard that brought me to answer the altar call at church when I was 17.  The one that moved me to profess my belief that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.

...And as if that wasn't a clear cut message straight from God, our pastor's wife stood up and prayed an amazing prayer of restoration over the congregation.  Within that, she asked God to restore who we are in Him.

...And then this morning, I read, "Talitha koum."

I love how God speaks to me!  It's time to believe and to rise up, to remember who I am in Christ, to keep walking with my faith forefront in my life, to remember what is most important to me. (Revisit this blog from last January.)

Been A While

Yes, yes it has....

I last wrote in August.  That was one of the hardest months for me.  I hit a pretty significant low in this whole divorce adventure.  I actually contemplated suicide, which I only told one person and I am sure now if my mom is reading this, she's flipping out.  Don't worry.  I'm ok.  And I made a promise to myself ages ago that if the thought of dying to get out of life's pains ever came back in my head, I would tell someone.  Only one person though.  And they would help me.  So we're good.  No worries.

At any rate, that's how low I was.  After that I wrote this blog: Seek Ye First.  I took that very seriously.  God clearly spoke to me saying that I wasn't putting Him first in my life.  I am proud to say since that happened, I have read devotionals first thing every morning every day ever since.  But that's not all.  I really seriously put God first in everything.  I talk to God before I go to a friend when I am sad, mad, confused, etc.  I ask God for help when I don't know what to do.  I make sure nothing comes before Him and my relationship with Him and my need to learn more from Him.  God is everything.  As He should be.

After that blog post though, I kept thinking to myself that writing every day on this journey, filling my fans in on epiphanies I was having, having profound things to say about devotionals or my readings in the Bible, all that stuff was part of me seeking God.  But it wasn't.  I was seeking attention. I really wanted more readers.  I wanted to inspire others with my faith.  I was doing it for the wrong reason.

And that is why I took a break from writing.

That....and God made me do it.  He knew what I was doing and how I was going off on a weird path with this whole blogging thing and decided to give me writer's block.  Everything that I wrote sounded really dumb.  I have a few drafts saved on here to prove it (which shall promptly be deleted).  When I couldn't get the right words out any longer, I started looking back at what I was doing and saw my flaws.  I was wrong.

I thought several times I would come back and write, but I didn't.  The main reason is because I was still working on getting God first and foremost in my life, and I didn't want to allow the blog writing (and acquiring readers) to get in the way of that.  I put my big girl pants on and did what was right.  I let God lead me.

The last couple of weeks I've begun writing blogs in my head without even really knowing it.  They became Facebook statuses.  Just thoughts I had and wanted to speak out into existence, to no one in particular.  And that's when God told me I could write again.

So I'm back.

Seek Ye First...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. --Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

A few weeks ago, I got to a point in life where I realized the first things I did every single day had nothing to do with God.  And each time I did these things, I felt guilty that I waited to do devotionals, read the bible, or pray until after they were done.  How on Earth did a get to a point where Facebook and emails were more important to me than God?

I was reading a book and the above scripture was the title of the chapter.  Actually, I think it was just "Seek ye first...".  It spoke about always going to God first in everything--first thing in the morning, first thing when you have a problem, first thing when you are thankful, FIRST.  Funny thing, I was reading it last.  The very last thing I was doing that day.

I fell asleep after reading that chapter.  When I woke in the morning, the first thing that came to my mind before any other thoughts (even that I had to pee) was, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  I knew God was talking to me.  So I immediately read the two devotionals that I read each day and a chapter in proverbs (as I am working through proverbs and then through psalms).  I did it before I even touched my phone, before I went to the bathroom, before I woke the kids and attended their needs.  God came first!

The next day, the same thing happened. I awoke and heard clearly, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  In fact, ever since then, every single morning when I wake up, that's the first thing that runs through my mind.  And I obey.

Last week I had a particularly trying day that ended in an awful evening that broke my heart. In order to save other's reputations ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29) and not cause additional strife, I am not going to share exactly what happened.  Just know it hurt me a lot.  Like to the point where I thought I was going to die from the pain within me.  My initial thought this time, however, was not to run to a friend, my mom, anybody BUT God.  "Seek ye first..."  I needed to turn to God in that exact moment to ask Him to help me through it.  I prayed and prayed, just me and God.  When I finally calmed down a bit, I was able to call a close friend of mine who prayed with me.

In her prayers, she asked God to show me how much He loves me and to give me something to hold on to that will be a symbol to me and remind me constantly.  I went to sleep still feeling like a truck hit me, but I had a peace over me that reminded me that tomorrow is a new day ("Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." --Psalm 30:5).  When I woke up in the morning, I seeked God first.  First, I thanked Him for helping me through the night and giving me a long night's rest.  I asked for continued strength, trust and patience that His will would soon be done.  I just have to keep going.  I read my bible, I did my devotions.  When I finally was done, I did my "second"--checked my email.  Sitting in front of the computer screen was a package that just said "A Gift for Taylor".  It must have arrived the day before when I was out of town.  I opened it up and there was a little card inside that said,

To Taylor,
 ...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you. --Matthew 17:20b

And under that was a little silver necklace with a mustard seed pendant.  There was no indication as to who it was from at all. It was sent directly to me from the store that carries the jewelry, so I couldn't check the post office stamp.  No way of knowing.

Mustard Seed Necklace gift from A Perfect Peace

But I knew.  It was from God.  He told someone that I was in desperate need of a gift to help me to keep going, and that person listened faithfully.  And at the exact right moment, God gave it to me.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  God's got this...as long as I keep seeking Him before all things, He's going to keep speaking to me and helping me through this.  In the end, I will be made anew, and I will have what is promised.

"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Remember the Keys

This last week has been a tough one.  My faith has been attacked by the enemy.  My mind have been shrouded with doubt and resentment...and sadness.  My mind and heart have been in a constant battle leaving me feeling very weak and helpless.

I've slacked a little on my devotionals because of time constraints at home (this may be the window that the devil saw that let him creep in).  Even while getting attacked though, I have been able to keep expressing my faith to my children and to keep teaching them from the bible, which is good.  I've been praying fervently too.  Also a good sign.  Although my faith is being tested, I've been able to keep it.  In other times, I would just give up.

My tears have been flowing, and of course, God has heard me.  On Saturday night, I was watching a sermon from Destiny Christian Church in Arizona.  It was as if she was speaking directly to me in several instances.  This is the second week they are covering "God Speaks".

Wait, let me back track to earlier that day...or maybe it was Friday.  I had posted on Facebook that "I believe in miracles."  I used the status to say "out loud" that I believe God makes big moves and I believe He will.  I was speaking directly to the devil.  "You may be letting me sink in doubt and despair, devil, but I still believe!!!"  So there.

Back to the sermon..."Pray and believe the impossible!"  That's a direct quote from Pastor Melissa Witmer who was giving the message.  God speaks!

At the end of the message, Melissa stuck something in that wasn't completely having to do with the subject.  Although it was relevant in a roundabout way, it was kind of out of left field.  She said she felt like it was put on her heart to share it.  She spoke of a time that she was praying to God and feeling doubtful.  She had a sudden urge to ask for something material to reaffirm her faith.  And lo and behold, within 24 hours it was given to her.  The exact item she asked for.  A fellow pastor handed her an envelope saying God wanted her to give it to her.  And there it was!  Melissa finished by saying, "Remember these tokens that God gives to us to let you know that He is there."

Immediately, in bright bold letters in my brain, I saw "Remember the Keys!!!!!"  I let out a big sigh and thanked God for the reminder.  And now I want to put keys all over the place to remind me of my faith from now on.

You see, a week or so ago, I had grabbed my car keys to go run some errands.  As I walked out the door, I found that a chunk of my keys were gone.  The remote and key to the car I always drive were just not there.  I walked back into the  house and asked my husband if he had taken them off.  After he said no, we looked around on the floor under where my keys are normally hanging and we didn't find anything.  It's as if they just got up and walked away.  My husband said, "Maybe they just got off the ring and fell somewhere."  Really?  How do keys get off of a tight key ring on their own?  My mind went directly to believing that my husband had taken them from me.  That he was trying to take the car away from me and this was the first part of the divorce proceedings that I have been so desperately praying for to stop.  I felt my heart sink to my toes.

My husband handed me his key for the car and I went to run my errands.  While out, I prayed continuously asking God to please please please stop the divorce stuff.  Just as I had finished up my errands and was pulling into the driveway, I realized that I was praying the wrong thing. I sat behind the steering wheel and said, "God, I believe in your miracles and I know you are going to fix my marriage.  Please remove all doubt that I have surrounding my husband and let me walk into the house and see my keys immediately."

I got out of the car and kept saying the last part of that prayer over and over again.  I opened the door and there they were inside an empty bag that was hanging just below where the keys are kept.  It's not as if I purposefully looked into the bag.  My eyes just instinctively looked right in there as I walked in.  "Here I am," God said.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." --Matthew 7:7

Zip Your Lips!

I recently prayed to God asking if I should speak up.  Should I be telling my husband that I am sorry even though I said it over and over again?  Should I ask him if he still wants a divorce?  Should I give him more scriptures or devotionals that I have read that strongly imply that divorce is by all means not what God wants?  Should I stand up for myself and tell him the way he is treating me right now isn't really fair?  Should I tell him that I am hurt and confused and angry and sad and sorry....Should I be saying anything at all?

Over the last 3 days, the following scriptures have popped up in devotionals and books I have been reading, on my Facebook news feed, as the random "Scripture of the Day" on youversion...everywhere.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." --Exodus 14:14

"There is...a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to keep silence and a time to speak." --Ecclesiastes 3:1,7

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." --Proverbs 29:11

"Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God.  For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few."  --Ecclesiastes 5:2

"They, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives."  -1 Peter 3:1-2

There's more....I'm not even kidding here.  These scriptures made their way into what I have been reading.  I did not go look up "Does the bible say to stay silent?" or anything of the sort.  These randomly popped up in every day stuff. Every time I saw a verse about being silent, I marked it with "Zip Your Lips!"  An easy reminder when I flip through my notes that God is telling me to just keep to myself.

I hear ya, Lord!  Loud and clear!  Keep my mouth shut and let YOU do the work.

"There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two." --The Power of a Praying Wife

Strength and Tiny Blessings

Yesterday kind of sucked for me. It was Mother's Day, and I felt like I deserved a nice relaxing day off from everything.  Apparently, I was the only one who thought that as nothing was done around the house including feeding the kids.  I felt really unappreciated.  I felt punished.  I felt as though a few people in my life were being hateful and hurtful on purpose.

Around 5:30pm yesterday, I finally had enough of feeling like poo and went to visit a friend for a quick hug.  I told her that this was so hard.  One thing she said to me resonated in my head the rest of the night:

"Some day, God is going to say to you, 'Look how strong you were!'  And that will get you through the next trial."

I never thought about it like that.  So I thought back on all the times I have said before, "This is so hard. I can't do it."  And I got through and look at those moments in my life saying, "I was so strong." (Or rather, people remind me of them to show my strength as sometimes I'm just blinded to what I have accomplished.)

One day, God's going to use this time to help me get through another.

As if those words weren't encouraging enough, this morning in two separate devotionals by two separate authors and ministries God spoke to me.  Both expressed the importance of finding the little miracles where you are right now on the way to where I am going.  In other words, stop complaining about what is going wrong and focus on the little itty bitty things that make a day worthwhile.

Tiny blessing from yesterday:  I bought a pack of four colored pens (purple, blue, green, and orange).  For some reason that makes me happy.  Now my devotional notes look oh-so-pretty.

After reading those two devotionals (and all the others I read first thing in the morning), the very last one said this:

"Trials come to prove your strength in God!"

Thank you for speaking to me, Lord!

Drooling

I fasted for the first time religiously today. I don't know much about fasting--why we do it, if we are supposed to do it, what the importance of doing it is... But over the last two weeks I have had this feeling that I needed to do it. This feeling compounded with several "coincidental" scriptures and devotionals mentioning fasting in passing made me feel like God was calling me to do it.

Last weekend, I asked someone about it. They said you take something (not always food) away from yourself that is getting in the way of your relationship with God. That makes sense, right? What do you do first thing in the morning, check your Facebook page or read your devotionals? So fast from Facebook. I did that on Tuesday. Not Facebook because honestly it's not getting in the way of my relationship with God lately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it just makes me want to read my Bible. So I chose something that I put a lot of importance into, something that I often dealt with before reading the bible or praying.

It wasn't hard at all. It felt freeing and I did indeed spend more time reading the word. But it wasn't difficult. I asked God if I did it right. I didn't get a clear answer until I then decided that on Wednesday I would fast from food. I felt that if fasting from something else didn't feel right that going the old fashioned, in-the-Bible route would make a difference.

As soon as I made the choice to do that, the temptations flooded in. Wednesday my husband was planning a steak dinner (steak, potatoes, corn on the cob and rolls), so I told myself I would just fast the next day. Why waste a yummy steak dinner on a day that I'm fasting?! The next day I had to take the kids somewhere in the evening and knew that meant fast food (as opposed to fasting from food). Why torture myself with the smells of burgers and fries? Friday my son wanted to go out for lunch, couldn't pass that up. Saturday, my husband wanted to take the whole family out to lunch for Mother's Day. Again, who am I to pass up free food not prepared by myself?!

Each time I gave in to this whole "I'll fast tomorrow" game, I felt guilty. And what makes you feel guilty, folks? The devil! The enemy was tempting me to do something against what I had told God I was going to do. It wasn't so much the not-eating-food thing that was important. It was the I-made-a-promise-to-God-that-I-would-do-it thing! By giving in to the temptations that the devil laid in front of me, it was so easy to say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

By last night, I felt convicted to do what I said to God that I would do. And then God spoke! In a book I am reading about prayer, out of nowhere there is one sentence that says if there is a tough issue you are praying for and you need a breakthrough, fasting will make your prayers more effective. Now there was no mention of fasting before that and none after that. God just came right out and said, "Stop making excuses and fast!"

So I did.

Like I said, it's not about the not-eating thing. It's about not giving in to the temptations the devil lays out in front of you to make you do something that you told God you were going to do for Him. The donut holes (my favorite flavor too!) at church this morning, the half of a burger leftover by one of my kids at lunch this afternoon, the brownies sitting on the counter that I had made the night before, or that piece of chocolate that my daughter gave me to say Happy Mother's Day. That last one was difficult. She felt bad that she wasn't with me all day and that the day had sucked royally. All she wanted was to make me smile. Woo boy, that was a had one to turn down. Well played, devil. But I won.

And do you know how I won? Each and every time I felt tempted to eat something, I prayed. "God, keep me from evil and help me to do this one thing to show You that I am faithful." And He gave me strength. In fact, I really wasn't hungry all day besides those moments when I saw something delectable or thought about how easy it would be to just say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

I'm laying down to go to bed right now and happy to say I have not eaten a single bite (only drank water and tea) in 24 hours. I promised something to God and persevered passed the devil's temptations to deliver that promise. I showed my faith. At a time that I have been feeling weak, I showed that I can do this. My God is strong and so is my faith.

Battle of Wills

I sat outside my son's bedroom door for 45 minutes last night while he alternated yelling at me and softly apologizing and pleading with me to let him out.

He wasn't very good at an event last evening.  So as a consequence, he was not going to get ice cream like the rest of my children.  Upon getting this news, he decided to yell the words "Ice Cream" for ten minutes as we drove home from the event.

When we arrived home, I calmly said, "Now you have lost your privilege to stay up any longer (it was 730 anyway so bed time was near).  Go to your room."  He planted his feet into the ground and refused to move and said once again, "ICE CREAM!"  Without a word, I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom.  He grabbed anything we passed trying to stay put or throwing objects at me.  I placed him in his room and said, "You have not respected me this evening and therefore you will pay the consequence."  Then I closed the door.

Almost immediately, he opened it and said, "Haha! I can get out! I'm not staying in here!"  This was going to be a battle of wills, I could tell!  I gently pushed him back from the door and closed it again.  No words, just action.  This time I held the knob so he couldn't open it again.

He screamed at me about how I was an awful mom.  He kicked and punched the door, threw some toys at it too.  Then laid down on the floor and spoke to me from under the door. "Mommy, I want a hug and a kiss."  Trying to pull on my heartstrings, I see.

"You may come out and give me a hug and a kiss but then you will go back in and pay your consequence."

"But I am apologizing!  Please forgive me!"

"I forgive you, son, but you will still have to pay the consequence for your actions."

More screaming at me and hitting the door, more pleading for me to give in.

When he finally calmed down and it was evident he would stay in his room with out me sitting by the door, I opened it and said, "Son, God tells us in the Bible to respect our mothers.  You have had a hard time with that tonight and a lot lately.  You need to know that I will not tolerate that.  We all make mistakes, and luckily, God forgives us when we ask for forgiveness.  And God has also told us to forgive others as he has forgiven us, so I forgive you too.  But we still have to pay our consequences so we learn from our actions."

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

I'm proud of myself.  It took 45 minutes but he finally realized I wasn't going to just let him go.  And even more over, I didn't raise my voice or do anything that was mean/harmful.  I just stood my ground.  I prayed through the whole happening.  "God, give me strength to stand firm."

After the whole ordeal, I was completely exhausted. I got the other three kids up in their beds and then sat down at the computer to write about it and just started bawling.  I prayed some more, "God, give me a sign that I did the right thing."

And on Facebook, a few posts down on my newsfeed, was this:

"It may be hard, but the greater the difficulty, the greater the reward. When you sow a radical seed of obedience, you will reap a radical reward." --Joel Osteen Ministries

I let out a sigh of relief, and through my tears, thanked God for telling me what I needed to hear at that moment.

Pray for the Enemy

There are 31,103 verses in the Bible.  I looked it up.  I wanted to know what the chances were that the same verses would show up in the several church sermons and devotionals I listen to and read daily.  1 verse in 31,103....wow...

So what was brought up to me several times between yesterday and today?  1) Shame; and 2) prayer for your enemy.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. --2 Timothy 2:15

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. --Psalm 25:1-3

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. --Psalm 31:1

I've been feeling not-good-enough for God lately.  And I've also been feeling like those reading my Facebook posts and/or hearing me speak of the word, devotionals, prayer, etc. are secretly laughing behind my back.  I wrote about the bravery of Paul when he was mocked and persecuted for his new found belief in the Lord the other day.  I assume as a human he felt the shame and guilt about his past too.  I'm sure the devil sat deep within him and threw these feelings up into his heart whenever he was about to speak of the glory of Jesus.  Just like me...

Yesterday, I was feeling rather hurt and angry about someone who I feel doesn't like me right now intentionally being hateful and hurtful.  Of course, I don't know that as truth but I was feeling it.  Actually, there are many people I'm feeling are doing that right now.  Then I start thinking about what they must be thinking about me in my walk back to God.  "Who does she think she is sharing Bible verses on Facebook?  Shame on her.  She's so two-faced."  I don't know if they are really saying this or thinking it, but that brings up so much shame in me.

Last night, I was having hateful thoughts towards these people.  But each time, I caught myself and said, "No, you need to pray for these thoughts to be taken right out of you as they do not portray what is in your heart."

Then this morning, one devotional spoke of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem and how Sanballat and Tobiah ridiculed him and the Jews for the work they were doing. Nehemiah took what they were saying and did this:

Hear us, our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders. --Nehemiah 4:4-5

He prayed for the persecutors.  He asked God to show them what they are doing.  He didn't yell obscenities back at them. Nope, he said, "God, I will only make things worse if I speak right now, can you please handle this?"

And then this morning in church, the lesson was about this:

[Jesus Said] "You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." --Matthew 5:38-42

And he goes on to say:

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." --Matthew 5:44

What?  So, Jesus, you are telling me that when someone hurts me, when any of those people make me feel shameful, I should walk away and then get on my knees and pray that you will bless them?

Clearly, God was working on me.  He not only gave these verses to me once, but he made sure I heard them over and over today.  He wanted to make sure that I got it and that I would do it.

I'm telling you, if you don't think God speaks, you are crazy.  There are 31,103 verses in the Bible, and through three devotionals and a church sermon, all of which have no correlation with each other what-so-ever, the same themes were preached upon in the last 24 hours.  He's speaking to me.

FMF: Brave

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

BRAVE

I've been likening myself to Saul/Paul lately.  If you don't know the story, Saul was one of the leaders against all those who followed Christ.  He was a murderous and hateful individual.  One day as Saul was traveling to Damascus where he is going to seek permission to arrest any Christians and take them back to Jerusalem to stand trial, the lord literally opens up the sky and speaks to him:

He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” --Acts 9:4

Saul had such a great responsibility in the construction of Christianity all over the world that the lord asked him personally "What the heck are you doing?"  God then makes him blind and tells him he must go see Ananias in order to see again.  Saul is obedient and sure enough scales fall from his eyes and he could see again.

Saul was converted to Paul and became one of the foremost leaders of the Christian church preaching to everyone about Jesus Christ.  The thing is, no one believed him.  Here we have an awful human being saying he was now following Christ.  He was persecuted for his beliefs and his life was even threatened.  He eventually ended up in jail because of his undying faithfulness to the lord.

Now I personally am not a murderer by any means...and I'm not saying I'm a saint either.  My point is that God took a horrible beast and made him one of his own.  God loves everyone and anyone can be changed in God's love.  Even me.

Paul preached to those who didn't believe him.  That's pretty brave of him.  He stood up against all odds to show his love and commitment to Christ, and he never backed down.

I know right now a lot of people are looking at me saying I am "just acting."  They don't believe that I am a changed person.  They don't believe that my life is now dedicated to my love of Christ and my obedience to God.  As an earthly being, this is difficult to face.  As a spiritual daughter, God gives me the bravery I need to continue on because I ask for it.

Paul preached the gospel to many nations and is seen as one of the most important people in the bible and all because he just wouldn't stand down to the people who did not believe he had changed.

Do not be anxious about anything...

My stomach did one of those flip flop things today.  Where you feel like the weight of the world is on you and some impending doom is coming your way.  You know what I'm talking you, the kind of moment where you immediately have to poop.(Admit it, you know what I'm talking about.)

The last several times I have had this feeling in the last two months, something bad did happen.  Am I psychic?  Or was I just feeling the devil laughing as he caught me in a weak moment and knew he had gotten to me...

Whatever it is, I hate that feeling.  Of course, I usually end up teary eyed and expect the hammer to drop at anytime (after I poop, that is).  This will take all the enjoyment out of any day.  Even if something bad doesn't happen, I sit there waiting for it and feeling like crap all day (no pun intended).

Today, when it hit me, first I pooped, but then I went to Google.  "What does the Bible say about anxiety?"  As trusty as ever, Google gave me a plethora of examples where God says in the Bible that worrying about something is not necessary for it's in His hands.  

When I find a scripture that fits my moment, I will usually read it out loud to myself, then more times than not, I will share it on Facebook.  I feel like if I needed it at that moment, someone else probably needs to hear it too.  I shared this one:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

I was right.  At least one person did need to hear it because she thanked me for posting it.

My tummy trouble went away quickly after I posted the scripture.  I also dove into the word a little deeper and read another devotional (the 7th one I read today), and then I went online to find a church sermon I could watch.  I've said it before and I know I will say it again, but as soon as I let time be idle the devil gets into my head and makes for a very unpleasant feeling.  So it was essential that while I was waiting until I had an appointment this afternoon, I needed to occupy that time with God.

My appointment was with a Pastor from our church.  Our head pastor I can't talk to right now.  He said it himself, "I'm too close to the situation to be able to counsel you."  So I went to his dad instead.  I love the depth of his knowledge of the Bible and his wife is one of the best prayer warriors I have ever met.  They welcomed me into their home to let me talk and to give me spiritual guidance during this difficult time.  Thank you, God, for giving them to me!

Then as I was leaving their home, I turned on my car and on the radio I heard, "Philippians 4:6-7.  Do not be anxious about anything...."  God really wanted me to get that point today.

Worn

I had a really awful two days last week. I was so depressed and ended up crying at just about anything and everything. I was feeling very much like giving up.

Saturday I woke up feeling renewed and asked god to help me focus solely on the good. I spent all day with my kids enjoying the beautiful weather. I smiled and laughed and felt lots of love and joy. It was a good day.

Sunday and Monday weren't bad either. I didn't feel the heaviness and despair. I felt strong. I felt like I could do this.

Then there's today. I don't know if I'm extra tired or had too much time to think or what but I feel down. Every time something negative pops into my head I turn to god. We've been having a running conversation all day.

About an hour ago I got to a point where I got teary eyed because of this heavy feeling. I asked god to hug me. A minute later the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio.

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

This song literally took words out of my mouth...or not my mouth but my head.  It's a beautiful song and reminded me that no matter how tired I get in this fight I still need to turn to God.  It also reminded me that I'm not alone.  Others are right there fighting the same fight I am.  Just because I am weak from time to time does not mean that I'm not good enough.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." --Romans 12:12

One last thing I want to say before I sign off. I realized recently that while I drive anywhere (and I have to drive a lot with bringing the kids to their activities and appointments and my own appointments lately) the devil attacks me most.  He puts negative thoughts into my head.  I worry, I resent, I just all around start feeling craptacular.  I started listening to Family Life Radio now whenever I am in the car in order to put these feelings at bay.  As soon as I start getting attacked by the devil, I just concentrate on the music and the words and I can feel God fighting off the negative intrusions.  Also, God speaks to me quite often through the songs (as he did above).  Going through something tough too?  Try it.

Let Go

This was the subject of my prayers last night before bed.  And then I wake up to it on FB this morning.  I love when God speaks directly to me.

Arm Yourself

I love it when I read a scripture at random just before bed, then one of my devotionals uses the same scripture the next morning or someone posts it on Facebook or it's in the Sunday sermon.  It's God blatantly telling me, "This is important for you to know.  Listen to me."

"Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 

"Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
--Ephesians 6:11-17 (NLT)

"Stand firm against all strategies of the devil." (NLT)
"Stand up to everything the Devil throws your way." (MSG)

With God's armor, I can battle whatever comes my way.  Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation.

From the dictionary:
Truth:  the actual state or conditions; reality or fact
Righteousness:  uprightness or morality
Peace: tranquility; freedom from strife or dissension
Faith: confidence or trust; belief not based on proof
Salvation:  the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

I can do this.  God reminded me.

Power of Prayer

A few years ago, I was at our local grocery store in the teeny tiny town that we live in.  As I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car, I was approached by 4 individuals that asked if they could pray for me.  I interrupted them and told them I was a believer and already went to church.  I told them I didn't need saving and they should find someone else to pray for.  They told me that earlier that morning they had a prayer meeting asking God to show them who to pray for.  During this prayer, one of the young ladies wrote down four things that God put on her heart--groceries, pink shirt and brown sandals, and marriage.  That was me.

Now granted, they could have just saw me at the grocery store in my pink shirt and brown sandals and then made this up. But the main thing that made me catch my breath was "marriage".  How did they know I needed prayer for my marriage?

At the time, I let them pray over me.  And I cried.  In that moment, it touched me and I knew God was speaking to me.  But I didn't listen.  Although I knew this was a moment God was using to give me what I needed, although I was convicted and felt in my heart the right thing was to turn to God and fix what was broken, I didn't do anything about it.

I went to a friend's church today.  I have felt like I don't fit at my church anymore since this recent development in my life.  I don't want to go in detail about why, but it just doesn't feel right, not right now.  I am sure I will go back eventually, but at this time, I believe that God is telling me I need a different place that will make me feel God completely.

The message was good.  I needed to hear it.  It reaffirmed my walk right now.  I can do this, because I have God.

"Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You." --Psalm 27:3

But I still felt incomplete upon leaving the church.  I was driving home, and right as I got to my house, instead of pulling into my driveway, I remembered those prayer warriors that found me in that parking lot that day.  So I went to that church.  Their service had ended, everyone had left.  The only people that were still there were three of the four that prayed for me that day.  I told them about it and all of them remembered.  Immediately they hugged me and asked to pray for me again.  I sat and they talked to me and prayed for me for 20 minutes.  Before I left, they gave me their personal cell phone numbers and their email addresses and said not to ever hesitate to contact them at any moment that I felt weak.

Thank you, God!  I needed them right now!  I feel loved by a lot of people, don't get me wrong, but I needed a body of believers that were so unbiased about what is going on in my life and were so connected with God that they were drawn to me knowing this was going to happen even years before it did.  They've been praying for me ever since.  Never knew my name, never knew my life, just knew I needed it.  And here I am.

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." --Matthew 18:19

Trust the Unseen

Today was really hard.  I guess you could probably tell that since I am blogging for the third time today.  I spent most of the day sobbing.  I feel weak.  I feel like I'm not doing enough. Am I doing what's right?  I feel like this storm will never end.  Where's my rainbow?

I talked to a friend today and she always says the perfect things to me.  She knows where I am right now in life and in my walk back to God.  I don't think I could do this without her.

I got through the rest of the day on her words even though I was tearful.  I made the kids dinner, I helped with homework, I bathed them, got them ready for bed, cried with them for a while because we are all so sad right now.  I put them all to bed, and I started on housework.

I've been plagued with negative thoughts and feelings today.  Lots of pain and resentment.  I felt like my brain was trying to overpower my heart.  My heart which is set on God fighting my brain which is reminding me of the crap I am dealing with right now.

I turned on Pandora to drown out the thoughts, and for the first time in a long long time, I put on Christian music.  I felt like my head needed to hear what my heart was hearing.

God knew I needed to hear Him today.  First, He played Never Alone by Barlow Girl.  I cried through the whole song because it's exactly what I was feeling when I called my friend. I felt like I was alone and God wasn't hearing me or wanting to help me.  She said, "Trust in God."  Trust the unseen....



After that a few more songs played while I cried into the dirty dish water.  Then this one I had never heard came on.  I have now listened to it several times and know most of the words because I feel God wanted me to be able to sing this when I feel like I'm weak and want to stop following Him.




I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it again, I pray constantly.  Sometimes, God knows exactly when you need to hear Him.

Believe the Best

Last week a friend of mine gave me a scripture that happened to be the same scripture that had come to me the night before when I was having a hard time not succumbing to the negative circumstances of my life.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Phillipians 4:8

Again, (I know I say this a lot but) God speaks.  He knew I needed this scripture and He knew I needed to work on this right now.  I need to not dwell on what is pulling me down--people talking behind my back, my own disapproval of my past actions, anger towards others' actions, what the future holds for me now--and dwell on what is real and right--I'm human and can change, God said so!  God is with me even when I feel like no one else is on my side.  God knows what is best for me and He will give that to me for my future.

You can walk down a road and look straight forward, or you can let your eyes wander off to the side.  Which way do you think your feet will take you?  Actually, stand up right now and try to walk in a straight line while looking off to your right.  Hard to do, huh?  Focus on where you need to go!

And then this morning, one of my devotionals expounded further on what the original passage said.  God is laying this on me thick.

"[Love] believes all things, hopes all things." -1 Corinthians 13:7

To truly love, you need to focus on what is positive.  You can't dwell on everything that someone does wrong because you won't see all the fantastic things that they do right.  If you concentrate on their annoying habits, you won't find those neat things that they do that make you smile.

Look at a screen door.   Look right at the actual screen.  Seeing that which is right in front of you made everything behind it blurry, didn't it?  You didn't see the kids playing and giggling in the backyard or the flowers blooming.  All you saw was that gray screen because that is what you focused on.

All day long I find myself consumed with thoughts of resentment towards a lot of people.  It has been my immediate prayer lately that God takes that away from me and fills me with love.

God, heal my hardened, broken heart and let me see the good.  Let me love again.  Let me feel love again.  Help me to not have negative thoughts towards others.  Remind me to pray for them instead of curse them.  Lift all the negativity out of my heart and fill me with love.

Saul

Last Tuesday, I read a devotional about Saul, a man consumed by hatred, vengeance, and violence, who turns his life to God and becomes Paul, one of the greatest missionaries the world has ever seen. That's the extent to what I know about Saul as I didn't read much more about him than what was in the devotional.

But God speaks to me again...

At church yesterday, Saul was brought up. Then this morning, while reading another devotional, Saul is mentioned yet again!

"In the book of Acts we hear of a man named Saul. He was an incredible instrument of commitment, initiative and passion.

However, he was not making a pleasant sound with his life. He was using his position to harm and destroy. But Jesus turned His life around in such a way that Saul was able to make a beautiful tune that it is still resounding 2000 years later.

It was hard for Jesus’ followers to believe that someone who had been making such a horrendous noise could bring pleasant music to their ears, however, Jesus told them that Saul was His chosen instrument. Anyone who has been chosen by God can make a beautiful sound in this world. It does not matter about our upbringing, our outward appearance, or even how much we are worth. When we are obedient to Christ our life will make the most lovely tune."

I started my walk back to God hating who I had become while stewing in anger and resentment over the last several years. I doubted my ability to change and become what God wants me to be. He's telling me I can do it.

I'm going to dive deep into the story of Saul to become encouraged and inspired. Seems to be what God is giving to me in this time of need.

God Speaks

Last night, I lay in bed fraught with anxiety and depression over my current situation.  Seems like nights are the hardest.  Going to bed, I get flooded with emotion and cry and cry.  And sleep evades me which is torturous because I feel that if only sleep would come, I wouldn't feel.  If I could sleep through this distress, I would....but that's not possible.

I digress...

So I lay in bed crying after reading for an hour and a half multiple devotionals and scriptures on topics I chose.  I lay there feeling so empty and lost and hopeless.  I cried and I said aloud, "God, I have been praying to you nonstop for 2.5 weeks now and I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over.  I don't know what to pray for, I don't know what is right.  I just want you to speak to me."  Within minutes, I fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up grateful for a new day.  Grateful that the night, the hardest part, was over.  Grateful that I could fill my time (and thus my mind) with busy work so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.  After I got my kids around and they were off to school, I sat down with my iPad and started reading the newsfeed.  Probably the third post down was a daily devotional that I had just recently subscribed to.  The first word I saw was "Compassion".  My heart skipped a beat as I remembered that just the night before in my frantic search of devotionals and scriptures to help me sleep, I had looked up the word "Compassion". 

com·pas·sion /kəmˈpaSHən/ (Noun) Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

I read the devotional and felt immediately like God was speaking to me.

" 'It doesn’t end at the beginning.' While Saul’s story begins with hatred, vengeance and violence, that is not the end of his story.

Through Christ, Saul becomes Paul and ends up as one of the greatest missionaries this world has ever seen. While his beginning was dark, through Christ, his ending was filled with light.

This is true for our lives too. No matter how we came into this world, or how we have acted in the past, that is not our final chapter.

 Through Christ we can bring life, hope and love into our world so that others can also experience this brighter future."

You see, I feel like I'm an awful person.  I have walked away from God. I have filled myself with anger and resentment.  I have been mean and hurtful towards people I love.  I have not been walking a Christian life.  And I lay in bed last night crying asking God to speak to me and He literally thrusts this in my face(book).

God loves me and forgives me because He has compassion.  And no matter how bad it gets, I need to remember that I can change if I walk with Him.  I've been asking God to forgive me these last couple of weeks. I have been asking him to change me and right when I feel hopeless, right when I ask him to speak to me...He does.