Where are they now?

Oh, my friends, I have so much to say right now.  I could probably write ten different blogs on different subjects.  But I will start with an update...

So where are we in this journey?

First, I'd like to say that I no longer want to or need to stay anonymous.  My name is Taylor.  I have no secrets.  And if my husband and/or his family see this blog, I don't care.  They should learn a thing or two anyway.

In November, we had a pre-hearing where our lawyers discussed things in order to petition the judge for what we each wanted. I didn't ask for anything.  I didn't just "lay down and take it".  I knew what I was doing. I trusted God to make sure that He would make Luke give me what I was due.  And if he didn't, I knew He would sustain us no matter what.  After all, who are we to ask the unrighteous for help before we ask God?

"When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers" --1 Corinthians 6:1-5

I didn't "get" much.  I got my car.  And we basically agreed that I could take anything in the house that I wanted.  But I didn't take much either.  Like I said, I knew God would provide. I just took what I needed.  I didn't want to fight, not that I really think he would have. But I just didn't care to try either.  It wasn't worth it to cause a fuss.

So I moved out on December first with my youngest and my oldest (she's mine anyway, so he doesn't get her).  Before you say, "How can you split the kids?!?!"  It was just what worked for us.  Growing up in a broken home, I resented my father so much because I was forced to go visit him when I didn't want to.  My ten year old daughter doesn't enjoy going to her biological father's house as much as she should because she feels obligated to go.  I didn't want my kids to grow up with that.  And since my youngest (who has had extensive medical problems that I have taken care of since birth) is closer to me, and my oldest son listens to dad better, it just worked out that two of my sons live with dad full time and my other son and daughter live with me.  We have no formal parenting time arrangement either.  We go by our work schedules and we let the kids decide when they want to see us.  It's worked well for the last month.  I see my boys almost every day if just for a moment, but more often much longer.  We are doing well...I think anyway.  I know my kids are not completely doing alright because their family was just torn apart, but we are getting by.

According to the courts, the divorce will be final in February.  No specific date yet, but that's what I was told after our pre-trial thing in November.  It broke my heart.  I cried through the whole thing.  I must have looked like a blubbering idiot to the judge, my husband and his lawyer.  Actually, I bet my lawyer was taken aback too.  It's like I had no control over it though. It just flowed. I prayed extensively for the crying not to happen, but it did.  I wasn't scared or worried, just sad.  It hurt to hear my husband say to the judge that our marriage was beyond repair when he didn't even try.

But that's a moot point now. I've been out of the house for a month.  And I feel good.  Life isn't perfect, but I'm doing it with only the help of God.  That's all I need.

Last night, it came to my attention that my husband blocked me on Facebook.  Now it's not like I was even talking to him through that or harassing him or even looking at his page.  He just out of no where blocked me.  Didn't change our relationship status, didn't "hide" me, didn't just de-friend me.  No, he blocked me.  Seems extreme, and shocking, and hurtful, doesn't it?  I cried, I puked, I shook and yelled obscenities out to myself in my house (which I have worked hard not to do over the last nine months).  I prayed.  And I freaked out.  I ended up calling my mom on Skype and talked to her for an hour and a half.  I confessed a lot.  Many many things that have happened in our marriage.  Things that I have not told anyone in order to keep my husband's reputation in our community and church intact.  I felt better afterwards and I came to a decision....

I took my wedding ring off, and decided I'm done praying for restoration.  I do want restoration for my marriage. I do want my husband back and my family to be together.  But this is not my husband.  He is so far gone in hurt and anger that he is making awful, sinful, hurtful choices.  I want restoration, but not with this man. I want salvation for my husband before anything else.  And right now, I need to hand him to God to work on, because all he's doing is tearing me apart.  So my prayers from now on will focus on what God is doing in me, and maybe every once in a while I will pray for his heart.  But not our marriage. It needs to die before it's resurrected. (See Bigger Miracles)

So that's where I am now.  I'm doing alright.  In fact, read this:  "I am more 'Me' than I have been in forever..."  I can do this.  God's got it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Philippians 4:13

There's a Reason

"God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason."

One of my friends said this to me today in a message on Facebook. It stuck with me and played around in my head for a while. Then while doing dishes, I said it out loud, "God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason...." and almost immediately I heard, "So he can see you go through it."

You see, I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want. I don't like even saying that because I believe God is restoring my marriage even if it's falling apart. The weird thing is my husband and I still live together with our four children. It's like we are roommates, not husband and wife, but in all other aspects we are a family. It's very hurtful to have him so close yet so very distant from me. And it's very difficult for me to just "give him to God". I never know how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to say, how to interact with him, etc. Plus, his new found desire to wear cologne even though he has never worn any in the 11+ years we have been together is pretty disheartening to smell constantly.

My friend who said the above is going through the same thing, except her husband is out of the house now. She doesn't see him or speak to him unless he initiates contact. She is praying her way through this, and like mine, her marriage is being restored. It's happening. We might not see it, but God is working. We know it.

Her point in saying that to me was that for some reason God decided I needed to go through this in a different way that she is. And as I prayed over her words, it came to me that my husband needs to see the work God is doing in me.

Yet at the same time, I need to let God do the work in me without wanting and needing others to see it.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. --Matthew 6:1-4

Conundrum! Really?! Could this be any harder?

Sure it can! God blessed me with a brain that never ever stops. I'm serious. It just goes. I have no control over it. So when it wanders, it worries, and when it worries, I over think everything.

As soon as I start going off on a tangent in my head, I pray to God to let that stop. Please Lord, this is torturing me enough. Please let me not torture myself on top of it all.

Where was I? Well, I guess...I just feel like I'm on this merry-go-round that won't stop. Or at least I can't figure out which direction I have to go to get off of it. I'm very confused. Constantly. I just have to trust that at any given moment God is going to send me a huge neon arrow sign indicating what I need to do. And then I will obey.