Doing "Right"

Oh the snow....

The kids had off of school for the entire week because of snow, cold, wind, blowing, drifting.  This puts a cramp in my work schedule because many kids at the daycare have parents who are teacher, and they don't come in when mom or dad doesn't have to go to work.  I worked two days this week.  The other days were lazy...very lazy.  And boring...so boring!

Cabin fever definitely set in. Then my body decided to throw something interesting into the mix by giving me a stomach virus on Thursday morning.  I know I was bored, but having to spend 12 hours with my head in a toilet was not what I was thinking when I wanted something to do.

My daughter and I binge watched Netflix.  It was good bonding time.

We slept a lot.  And ate a ton of junk food.  I believe we went through two boxes of 8-count Drumsticks in 3 days!  What can I say, we were just so lazy that cooking (even though we clearly had the time) just wasn't going to happen.

Bad mom award goes to....

We were so lazy that I put off reading my Bible each morning too.  Eh, to be completely honest, I started that a couple weeks ago...so ashamed.

I'm battling something lately.  I don't even know what specifically.  I'm just not feeling the whole "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" importance.  I keep making excuses in my mind.  "Who cares? God will forgive me anyway..."

I hate that mentality!

It's directly from the enemy.  Actually, whether you believe in the devil and his power over you or not, this mentality is the root of all evil.  I know the old saying is that money is the root of all evil, but that is wrong.  The rationalization of doing something you know and feel is wrong is where you stumble.  No, it's where you go crashing down.

Think about it:  You talk yourself into doing something that your inner self is saying not to do.  Yah, it's fun while it lasts.  But then the guilt sets in.  Guilt leads to depression and self loathing.  And that leads to anger. Oh that angry-go-round! All the while, you still try to rationalize what you did.

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4:17 NIV

This has been on my mind lately.  I've been praying about it a lot.  I know clearly what the Bible says about divorce and dating/remarriage after divorce.  For the last month or two, the thought has been coming into my mind that I deserve to find someone new who will love me the way I am supposed to be loved.  Maybe God is doing this to give me that opportunity.  He's closing one door to open another.

Lies.

God blatantly says in the Bible that remarriage after divorce while my husband is still alive is adultery (Matthew 19:9).  (**Please see note at the bottom of this blog if you are offended by this realization).  But God also says that all sins except blasphemy are forgivable (Matthew 12:31-32).  Does this then mean that I can do it because I know I will be forgiven?

Does that mean you can steal a car because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can lie to a police officer because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can kill someone because you will be forgiven?

If you know it's wrong, but know you are going to be forgiven, do you automatically do it anyway?

I'd like to go back and change all the "you's" in all of that to "I's" or "me's", but I don't feel like it.  Point is, I'm not condemning anyone.  I'm speaking about myself.  Would I do wrong knowing I will be forgiven?  I have, and I'm sure I will because I am of the flesh, but I will fight the desires to do so.

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires. The concern of the flesh is death, but the concern of the spirit is life and peace." -Romans 8:5-6

I kinda went off on a tangent here.  I had to reread all I wrote to get back to my point.

I'm battling with right and wrong lately in many aspects of my life.  And each time I choose wrong, I know it clearly because of the guilt.  Right now, although I'm so very lonely, when I think about maybe starting to date sometime after the divorce is official (which I suppose is going to be sometime this month), I'm condemned with guilt.  That's telling me it's wrong.  At least for now.  God will tell me if that will ever be right.

**IMPORTANT NOTE:  For all my divorced/remarried readers, I am certainly not here to condemn or shame you.  Jesus plainly says, "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come". (Matthew 12:31-32) Divorce, remarriage or even adultery do not qualify for the unforgivable sin, so each person who commits those things can repent and be forgiven.  All you have to do is pray to God asking for forgiveness and then not do it again.  Easy peasy!

Where are they now?

Oh, my friends, I have so much to say right now.  I could probably write ten different blogs on different subjects.  But I will start with an update...

So where are we in this journey?

First, I'd like to say that I no longer want to or need to stay anonymous.  My name is Taylor.  I have no secrets.  And if my husband and/or his family see this blog, I don't care.  They should learn a thing or two anyway.

In November, we had a pre-hearing where our lawyers discussed things in order to petition the judge for what we each wanted. I didn't ask for anything.  I didn't just "lay down and take it".  I knew what I was doing. I trusted God to make sure that He would make Luke give me what I was due.  And if he didn't, I knew He would sustain us no matter what.  After all, who are we to ask the unrighteous for help before we ask God?

"When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers" --1 Corinthians 6:1-5

I didn't "get" much.  I got my car.  And we basically agreed that I could take anything in the house that I wanted.  But I didn't take much either.  Like I said, I knew God would provide. I just took what I needed.  I didn't want to fight, not that I really think he would have. But I just didn't care to try either.  It wasn't worth it to cause a fuss.

So I moved out on December first with my youngest and my oldest (she's mine anyway, so he doesn't get her).  Before you say, "How can you split the kids?!?!"  It was just what worked for us.  Growing up in a broken home, I resented my father so much because I was forced to go visit him when I didn't want to.  My ten year old daughter doesn't enjoy going to her biological father's house as much as she should because she feels obligated to go.  I didn't want my kids to grow up with that.  And since my youngest (who has had extensive medical problems that I have taken care of since birth) is closer to me, and my oldest son listens to dad better, it just worked out that two of my sons live with dad full time and my other son and daughter live with me.  We have no formal parenting time arrangement either.  We go by our work schedules and we let the kids decide when they want to see us.  It's worked well for the last month.  I see my boys almost every day if just for a moment, but more often much longer.  We are doing well...I think anyway.  I know my kids are not completely doing alright because their family was just torn apart, but we are getting by.

According to the courts, the divorce will be final in February.  No specific date yet, but that's what I was told after our pre-trial thing in November.  It broke my heart.  I cried through the whole thing.  I must have looked like a blubbering idiot to the judge, my husband and his lawyer.  Actually, I bet my lawyer was taken aback too.  It's like I had no control over it though. It just flowed. I prayed extensively for the crying not to happen, but it did.  I wasn't scared or worried, just sad.  It hurt to hear my husband say to the judge that our marriage was beyond repair when he didn't even try.

But that's a moot point now. I've been out of the house for a month.  And I feel good.  Life isn't perfect, but I'm doing it with only the help of God.  That's all I need.

Last night, it came to my attention that my husband blocked me on Facebook.  Now it's not like I was even talking to him through that or harassing him or even looking at his page.  He just out of no where blocked me.  Didn't change our relationship status, didn't "hide" me, didn't just de-friend me.  No, he blocked me.  Seems extreme, and shocking, and hurtful, doesn't it?  I cried, I puked, I shook and yelled obscenities out to myself in my house (which I have worked hard not to do over the last nine months).  I prayed.  And I freaked out.  I ended up calling my mom on Skype and talked to her for an hour and a half.  I confessed a lot.  Many many things that have happened in our marriage.  Things that I have not told anyone in order to keep my husband's reputation in our community and church intact.  I felt better afterwards and I came to a decision....

I took my wedding ring off, and decided I'm done praying for restoration.  I do want restoration for my marriage. I do want my husband back and my family to be together.  But this is not my husband.  He is so far gone in hurt and anger that he is making awful, sinful, hurtful choices.  I want restoration, but not with this man. I want salvation for my husband before anything else.  And right now, I need to hand him to God to work on, because all he's doing is tearing me apart.  So my prayers from now on will focus on what God is doing in me, and maybe every once in a while I will pray for his heart.  But not our marriage. It needs to die before it's resurrected. (See Bigger Miracles)

So that's where I am now.  I'm doing alright.  In fact, read this:  "I am more 'Me' than I have been in forever..."  I can do this.  God's got it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Philippians 4:13