Worn

I had a really awful two days last week. I was so depressed and ended up crying at just about anything and everything. I was feeling very much like giving up.

Saturday I woke up feeling renewed and asked god to help me focus solely on the good. I spent all day with my kids enjoying the beautiful weather. I smiled and laughed and felt lots of love and joy. It was a good day.

Sunday and Monday weren't bad either. I didn't feel the heaviness and despair. I felt strong. I felt like I could do this.

Then there's today. I don't know if I'm extra tired or had too much time to think or what but I feel down. Every time something negative pops into my head I turn to god. We've been having a running conversation all day.

About an hour ago I got to a point where I got teary eyed because of this heavy feeling. I asked god to hug me. A minute later the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio.

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

This song literally took words out of my mouth...or not my mouth but my head.  It's a beautiful song and reminded me that no matter how tired I get in this fight I still need to turn to God.  It also reminded me that I'm not alone.  Others are right there fighting the same fight I am.  Just because I am weak from time to time does not mean that I'm not good enough.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." --Romans 12:12

One last thing I want to say before I sign off. I realized recently that while I drive anywhere (and I have to drive a lot with bringing the kids to their activities and appointments and my own appointments lately) the devil attacks me most.  He puts negative thoughts into my head.  I worry, I resent, I just all around start feeling craptacular.  I started listening to Family Life Radio now whenever I am in the car in order to put these feelings at bay.  As soon as I start getting attacked by the devil, I just concentrate on the music and the words and I can feel God fighting off the negative intrusions.  Also, God speaks to me quite often through the songs (as he did above).  Going through something tough too?  Try it.

Broken

I am finding life to be harder and harder lately.  I am completely exhausted with everything going on and then tackling every day life on top of that.  I spent most of yesterday crying and begging God to stop doing this to me.  How long do I have to suffer to prove that I am returning to Him and will never leave again?

I feel so weak.
I feel so empty.
I feel so hurt and alone.

Pray for stength.
Pray for love.
Pray for healing and comfort.

Pray for Peace.

I am broken.  I am at the lowest I have ever been and all I am doing is looking straight up at God.  God, what do you want me to do now?  Where do I go now?

I'm in physical pain because of how much my heart hurts right now.  I so want to give up.  I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and not wake up.  I don't want to do this anymore because it's too hard.

Last night, I was so incredibly exhausted, my body ached terribly, tears streamed down my face constantly.  I collapsed in my bed and wanted to give up.  But I needed to fuel my faith so I googled "scriptures for when you are weak".  I found this one, third from the top:

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken." --Psalm 34:17-20

I have repeated this to myself for 24 hours straight now to reaffirm my faith.

I called a Christian Counseling Service today to make an appointment.  I feel like my therapist isn't understanding that God is what I need right now.  "I can't sleep," I said.  She said, "Try drinking warm milk." Um, are you kidding me?  She doesn't get it.  And since my church has foresaken me (or so I feel at least), I can't turn to my pastor or my usual prayer warriors.  I need someone who will stand by me in my faith and give me some guidance driven by God.  I need someone to quote scriptures to me when I am feeling weak and alone.  I need someone who will say a prayer with me.  I need someone who understands that because I trust God, I am letting Him handle this.

I have two friend who are being very, very helpful in that right now.  One of them lives close to me and she met me earlier today so I could cry and get a hug and she gave me Godly advice and prayer.  Another was in my same exact predicament a year ago and through her faith she got through it.  I can't thank God enough for giving them to me right now.

Let Go

This was the subject of my prayers last night before bed.  And then I wake up to it on FB this morning.  I love when God speaks directly to me.

Arm Yourself

I love it when I read a scripture at random just before bed, then one of my devotionals uses the same scripture the next morning or someone posts it on Facebook or it's in the Sunday sermon.  It's God blatantly telling me, "This is important for you to know.  Listen to me."

"Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 

"Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
--Ephesians 6:11-17 (NLT)

"Stand firm against all strategies of the devil." (NLT)
"Stand up to everything the Devil throws your way." (MSG)

With God's armor, I can battle whatever comes my way.  Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation.

From the dictionary:
Truth:  the actual state or conditions; reality or fact
Righteousness:  uprightness or morality
Peace: tranquility; freedom from strife or dissension
Faith: confidence or trust; belief not based on proof
Salvation:  the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

I can do this.  God reminded me.

Power of Prayer

A few years ago, I was at our local grocery store in the teeny tiny town that we live in.  As I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car, I was approached by 4 individuals that asked if they could pray for me.  I interrupted them and told them I was a believer and already went to church.  I told them I didn't need saving and they should find someone else to pray for.  They told me that earlier that morning they had a prayer meeting asking God to show them who to pray for.  During this prayer, one of the young ladies wrote down four things that God put on her heart--groceries, pink shirt and brown sandals, and marriage.  That was me.

Now granted, they could have just saw me at the grocery store in my pink shirt and brown sandals and then made this up. But the main thing that made me catch my breath was "marriage".  How did they know I needed prayer for my marriage?

At the time, I let them pray over me.  And I cried.  In that moment, it touched me and I knew God was speaking to me.  But I didn't listen.  Although I knew this was a moment God was using to give me what I needed, although I was convicted and felt in my heart the right thing was to turn to God and fix what was broken, I didn't do anything about it.

I went to a friend's church today.  I have felt like I don't fit at my church anymore since this recent development in my life.  I don't want to go in detail about why, but it just doesn't feel right, not right now.  I am sure I will go back eventually, but at this time, I believe that God is telling me I need a different place that will make me feel God completely.

The message was good.  I needed to hear it.  It reaffirmed my walk right now.  I can do this, because I have God.

"Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You." --Psalm 27:3

But I still felt incomplete upon leaving the church.  I was driving home, and right as I got to my house, instead of pulling into my driveway, I remembered those prayer warriors that found me in that parking lot that day.  So I went to that church.  Their service had ended, everyone had left.  The only people that were still there were three of the four that prayed for me that day.  I told them about it and all of them remembered.  Immediately they hugged me and asked to pray for me again.  I sat and they talked to me and prayed for me for 20 minutes.  Before I left, they gave me their personal cell phone numbers and their email addresses and said not to ever hesitate to contact them at any moment that I felt weak.

Thank you, God!  I needed them right now!  I feel loved by a lot of people, don't get me wrong, but I needed a body of believers that were so unbiased about what is going on in my life and were so connected with God that they were drawn to me knowing this was going to happen even years before it did.  They've been praying for me ever since.  Never knew my name, never knew my life, just knew I needed it.  And here I am.

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." --Matthew 18:19

Positivity

I've already quoted this scripture and written on it in the last couple of weeks, but I had a morning full of resentment and decided I needed to remind myself.

"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." --Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)

Today I looked up another version of the scripture.  The Message tends to put things in the most easily understood way.  I find that if I read several versions of one scripture, I "get it" better.

Without focusing on the negative too much, this morning, someone could have done something for me very easily instead of making me do it.  But it was not done, and I felt pretty annoyed.  I wanted to say something to this person.  I wanted to nag them for sitting around and not helping me out.  But I bit my tongue.  Nagging won't help.

I prayed to God asking for words to use to ask for help effectively.  I kid you not, in mid sentence of this prayer, God gave me this scripture.  It popped right into my head: "Things to praise, not things to curse."  I made a mental list of the things that this person did do this morning that were honorable.

I'm not going to lie and say that this cleared my heart of bitterness.  I wish it did. But it cleared my mind and reminded me that there isn't all bad in this person.

It was also put on my heart to email them and apologize for being cold due to the resentment.  I didn't talk much this morning because I felt so negative.  I didn't want to let the animosity leave my head via my mouth.  But in doing that, I also became terse and standoffish.  I wasn't very pleasant this morning although I wasn't nearly as bad as I used to get.

I'm a work in progress....

The Bible is my New Best Friend

I read devotions and bible scriptures all day long. When I feel my brain start to take over my heart, I google a new devotion. Sometimes I read at random, sometimes it's something specific that I am struggling with. Always, it's what I need at the moment to get through my next moment.

I was just doing dishes and my mind wandered from some craptacular advice someone gave to someone else that is affecting me greatly. As I prayed for the second someone to find more Godly advice, my mind made a turn to parenting. How do we teach our children to be righteous? How do we guide them to make the right choices in their lives? It's simple:

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” -Romans 15:4

Plain and simple, READ THE BIBLE.

Have you ever heard, "Children don't come with an instruction manual?" That's only partly true. God gave us a place to turn to when we don't know what to say or do. Give advice straight from scripture and with love. Are you angry or hurt? Hold your tongue and pray about what you are going to say to someone about their situation. Consult the Bible. What would God want you to say right now? It would be tragic to give your child, your friend, your lover, etc, advice that will only hurt them further if it does not align with God's words!