Who I Am

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"-- Jesus  (Mark 5:41)

I remember reading the story of Jairus and his gravely ill daughter a couple years ago when I was in the depths of despair over my current situation.  Just before reading it, I remember I was curled up in a fetal position in my bed just crying out to God asking him to let me die because I couldn't face the pain I was suffering.  God called me to read His words at random, and I fell upon this story after leafing through my bible.  Jairus comes to Jesus asking for help as his daughter's illness is overcoming her.  As they are walking back to his house so that Jesus may meet the child, friends and family members are strewn about wailing over the young girl's death which occurred while Jairus was away.  Calmly, Jesus says, "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36)  Jesus places his hands on the little girl and says, "Talitha koum!" (Mark 5:41)  And she rises!

I felt like God was speaking directly to me.  I felt like His little girl, curled up in a ball on his lap, falling to pieces.  I felt Him stroke my hair, and gently whisper, "Get up.  You are going to be alright."  Because of these words, I put all my faith in God to bring me through what was killing me inside. Because I knew when it was all said and done, because I believed, I would be raised from the dead.

This was my devotional this morning.  I'm not dying from the pain of my situation this time, but I needed this reminder.  And just like before, God spoke to me.

I was praying two days ago asking God what he wanted me to do next because "I feel lost in who I am."  Those were the words I used when I spoke to him.

Then at church on New Year's Eve (What a fantastic idea to go to church instead of out to party!  I was so grateful for this!), shortly into worship, we sang "Made New" by Lincoln Brewster.

"You hold my head up

You remind me who I am."

...And the very next song was the one I heard that brought me to answer the altar call at church when I was 17.  The one that moved me to profess my belief that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.

...And as if that wasn't a clear cut message straight from God, our pastor's wife stood up and prayed an amazing prayer of restoration over the congregation.  Within that, she asked God to restore who we are in Him.

...And then this morning, I read, "Talitha koum."

I love how God speaks to me!  It's time to believe and to rise up, to remember who I am in Christ, to keep walking with my faith forefront in my life, to remember what is most important to me. (Revisit this blog from last January.)

Waiting for Boaz

I can give you a million excuses as to why I've only written once in the last year.  But it's between me and God.  At this point though, if I have any readers, do me a favor and keep me accountable. I'm diving back into daily devotionals, and writing after reading was always a way for me to really let it sink in.  So if you don't hear from me in a while, holler at me, not because you are dying to read my thoughts (even though I know you are, obviously), but because you want my walk with God to be as strong as ever.

Now on to the subject matter at hand...

I was at church a few weeks ago and stopped afterwards to chat with Rachael, a long time friend of mine.  We talked about finances mostly. I'm a single mom of four kids who has taken time off from working to give one of my struggling sons the time and attention he needs to function properly.  It's tough, but I'm getting by.  My faith hasn't faltered. Through all of this, I still know God's got this.  No. Matter. What.

After chatting, she asked if she could pray for me.  "Of course!" I said enthusiastically.  I love it when she prays!  It's moving.  You can feel the spirituality flow through you.  And for some reason, I always feel like her words to God pack such a huge punch in that moment.  I always come out of it feeling like something was heard. I know God always hears me, and you, and anyone praying, but there's just something about Rachael's words and how she presents them.

She started off the prayer thanking God for bringing me back to my home church, the one I went to in high school, which is why we were sitting together catching up in the first place.  She expressed how we are faithful in the fact that we know He holds my finances in His hands.  She asked God to open doors for me for specific opportunities that I wish to keep between myself, Rachael, and God for right now.  Then all of a sudden she stopped as if something came to realization.  As if someone standing next to her whispered into her ear that that wasn't what I needed prayers for at all...

She continued by asking God to not make me lonely anymore.  Something that we had not talked about once in our conversation, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because that, my friends, is what I am struggling with most right now.  Tears streamed down my face as she compared me to Ruth and asked God to bring me my Boaz.  Her words swirled around me and I felt lighter.  God knew I needed to hear that before I fell once again.

Now skip forward to a few nights ago....

I was lying in bed feeling quite forlorn. Bedtime is usually when this hits me the hardest.  I tuck my kids, my only daily company, in their beds, and there I am left to sit alone, to entertain myself, to comfort myself to sleep.  The weightiness of the desolation is painful at times.  I drown out the sorrow with TV and often sleeping medications because I just do not want to face it.

This night, however, I decided I needed to read the Bible instead.  The word "Boaz" echoed in my ears as I picked up my iPad and opened up the YouVersion app. I've read the book of Ruth before, but never really studied it. So I decided to look for a plan that focused on one chapter of Ruth each day.  I found one, clicked on it, and felt like God was smacking me in the face!

"Like Ruth, stay in your field and be faithful where you have been planted.  Remain where God has placed you. Don't stray away from the field that God has put you in for this season just to go into another field where you will be out of His will (Ruth 2:8-9)."

I've been wondering where God wants me right now because I feel lost where I am.  He answers so blatantly with such conviction sometimes!

But there's more...

"Ladies:  WAIT FOR YOUR BOAZ"

Just that one simple sentence.  "Wait for your Boaz."  I have little to no patience ever.  In all situations, I want what I want and I want it now.  I often go looking for what I want and find a variation of it ending up settling for what's not right for me because I'm too impatient to wait for what God intends.

God clearly shouted this at me when I needed to hear it most.  I mean, seriously, this was in all caps in the devotional. He makes me chuckle sometimes.

So I will wait....impatiently.  But I know it's what's best.  All of this has happened for a reason.  I know that when Boaz finally finds me, it will be better than anything because it is what God intends.  Marriage means a completely different thing to me now.

And as my mom said to me earlier this month:  "God is working on him before he brings him to you."

The Crazy Ones

I've been asked on so many occasions to write about my experiences with depression.  What does it feel like?  Why is it happening?  How do I deal with it?  It's difficult to explain these things because I don't even understand it.  I don't think any of "us" (the collective "us" represents all those with mental illness) understand it.  Yet, we understand each other because we don't understand it together.  See, I told you it's confusing.

With the loss of Robin Williams, Facebook became riddled with people who do not know how to react to depression, mental illness, suicide, self harm, etc.  It's heartbreaking that so few people strive to understand (even though they never will at no fault of their own) mental illness.

Robin Williams has always been one of my favorite actors. As a kid, I thought he was funny. As a teen, I saw his true talent. As an adult, I learned of his mental illness and began to look up to him. He was successful, happy, able to function and not defined by his illness. I wanted that.

I cried when I heard the news today. I cried because I adore him, but I also cried because we failed him by letting his mental illness overcome home.

Don't judge him, people. You don't know how it feels to be in a tortured mind. Instead, learn more about mental illness. We all owe it to those who are suffering from it. The more you don't understand, the more we (as a collective community with mental illness) give up. Because it's hard. We need your help.

Rest in peace, Robin. I pray your mind is finally at rest and you are no longer hurting.

I was asked once again after last night's Facebook post expressing my grief over the loss of an amazing man (above) to explain depression, suicide and cutting from my perspective.  It rattled around in my head for a bit because I honestly don't know how to do that.  I've tried. I really have.

However, I think it's pertinent that I let everyone that knows me know that I am one of them.  Yes, that's right. I'm one of the "crazy ones" (homage to Robin).  I have Bipolar Disorder and anxiety (here, educate yourself: Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety).  Both have been debilitating on numerous occasions.  To the point where picking myself up out of bed was so terrifying and torturous that it didn't happen for days (except the occasional potty break, of course, because otherwise that would be icky).  Depression has crippled me in the past to where normal every day functioning was not possible.  There's such a pain inside that you do not understand, that has no reason, that just eats at you.  When your heart feels like it's falling out of you and you have no way to figure out why or how to make it stop, trying to do anything is inconceivable.  It's so much more than just "picking yourself up and getting help."  You can't.  You just can't.  Because, you know, if you don't understand it, how will they?

Which brings me to cutting...  The unexplained, unmanageable agony inside leads to the desire to control some kind of pain.  I would cut half inch superficial wounds into my upper left arm.  Just enough to feel aching elsewhere.  Pain that I know has a cause, that I know how to stop, that I know will heal and go away.  I didn't want to injure or scar myself.  I didn't want to cause death or do any permanent damage. It's all about manifesting the pain somewhere else so what's inside of me doesn't hurt so much.  Or at least that's how it was for me.  (Please notice when talking about cutting I use past tense.  It's been four years in May since I last cut myself.)

And now on to suicide...  I have never tried to commit suicide, nor have I planned it or thought I could/would actually do it.  However, almost every single depressive episode I have had in my life has included thoughts of wanting to die.  It's not a control thing with this one.  It's feeling so hopeless that it is not going to end that the only way you can see out of it is to end it all.  The good along with the bad.  This should indicate to you how much misery comes from depression.  How excruciating it is.  How extremely desperate you are to make it stop that you would give up everything worthwhile in your life just to have that peace of not having to deal with it again.

To me, it makes perfect sense that people commit suicide.  I actually understand why.  What disturbs me is that no one was there to help them remember that the pain is going to end just like it did with the last wave and they just need to ride it out in their arms.  What baffles me is that someone wasn't there to get help for them and encourage healing through medications, therapy, just plain old love.  This is where education comes in.  Please do your part.

I just read back over this stuff and feel like I still am not doing it justice.  I told you, it's hard to explain something that you don't even understand yourself.

The best description I have seen thus far comes from Hyperbole and a Half.  I'm pretty sure Allie Bosch is in my head because every single thing she writes relates to me so incredibly that I think I wrote her blogs some times.  My sister introduced me to Allie's writings with this blog.  I cried all the way through it.  I finally FINALLY felt like someone was able to explain to the masses who are on the outside of depression how it feels to be in it.  Read it. I beg of you. Take the time to do it.  You won't fully understand, I've told you that you never will, but this will bring you one step closer.  She has another blog that is exceptional too: Adventures in Depression.  Read that one too.  You need to.  Especially if you personally know me, just read them both so you understand me.

Before I go, the one thing I want to get across to all of my readers is what you can do for someone like this, like me.  Be there.  Yes, that's it.  Just be there.  I have a couple friends who randomly send me love notes to check up on me.  "I had a fleeting thought of you today.  I wanted to make sure you are doing well.  Love you, miss you, hugs!"  Or I have one friend who sends me surprises to remind me how much I'm loved.  Surprises that I can actually wear on my body so I see them every single time I start getting down.  A custom made medical bracelet that she made for me has a secret message on the inside that says, "One day it will all be worth it."  I have a few friends who remind me of how much they love me simply by posting a word on my Facebook wall, "Squirrel!" I have an amazing sister and mom who have sometimes just held me while I cried and cried because they know that nothing else is really needed but their presence.  And more often than not, they cry with me.  Which makes me feel like they understand the pain too, or at  least understand how tortured I am in that moment.  I have friends who send me scriptures when they just have a sense that something is bothering me (Philippians 4:8).

Become such an expert on your friend that you know just by looking at them or hearing their voice that something is different and they need you right then and there.  And even if you aren't able to become that "in tune" with them, just be there frequently.  Check in, give love, hold them.  Educate yourself.  Please, just do it.  You have no idea whose life you are about to save because you read this and subsequently learned more.

Please share!

Doing "Right"

Oh the snow....

The kids had off of school for the entire week because of snow, cold, wind, blowing, drifting.  This puts a cramp in my work schedule because many kids at the daycare have parents who are teacher, and they don't come in when mom or dad doesn't have to go to work.  I worked two days this week.  The other days were lazy...very lazy.  And boring...so boring!

Cabin fever definitely set in. Then my body decided to throw something interesting into the mix by giving me a stomach virus on Thursday morning.  I know I was bored, but having to spend 12 hours with my head in a toilet was not what I was thinking when I wanted something to do.

My daughter and I binge watched Netflix.  It was good bonding time.

We slept a lot.  And ate a ton of junk food.  I believe we went through two boxes of 8-count Drumsticks in 3 days!  What can I say, we were just so lazy that cooking (even though we clearly had the time) just wasn't going to happen.

Bad mom award goes to....

We were so lazy that I put off reading my Bible each morning too.  Eh, to be completely honest, I started that a couple weeks ago...so ashamed.

I'm battling something lately.  I don't even know what specifically.  I'm just not feeling the whole "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" importance.  I keep making excuses in my mind.  "Who cares? God will forgive me anyway..."

I hate that mentality!

It's directly from the enemy.  Actually, whether you believe in the devil and his power over you or not, this mentality is the root of all evil.  I know the old saying is that money is the root of all evil, but that is wrong.  The rationalization of doing something you know and feel is wrong is where you stumble.  No, it's where you go crashing down.

Think about it:  You talk yourself into doing something that your inner self is saying not to do.  Yah, it's fun while it lasts.  But then the guilt sets in.  Guilt leads to depression and self loathing.  And that leads to anger. Oh that angry-go-round! All the while, you still try to rationalize what you did.

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4:17 NIV

This has been on my mind lately.  I've been praying about it a lot.  I know clearly what the Bible says about divorce and dating/remarriage after divorce.  For the last month or two, the thought has been coming into my mind that I deserve to find someone new who will love me the way I am supposed to be loved.  Maybe God is doing this to give me that opportunity.  He's closing one door to open another.

Lies.

God blatantly says in the Bible that remarriage after divorce while my husband is still alive is adultery (Matthew 19:9).  (**Please see note at the bottom of this blog if you are offended by this realization).  But God also says that all sins except blasphemy are forgivable (Matthew 12:31-32).  Does this then mean that I can do it because I know I will be forgiven?

Does that mean you can steal a car because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can lie to a police officer because you will be forgiven?
Does that mean you can kill someone because you will be forgiven?

If you know it's wrong, but know you are going to be forgiven, do you automatically do it anyway?

I'd like to go back and change all the "you's" in all of that to "I's" or "me's", but I don't feel like it.  Point is, I'm not condemning anyone.  I'm speaking about myself.  Would I do wrong knowing I will be forgiven?  I have, and I'm sure I will because I am of the flesh, but I will fight the desires to do so.

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires. The concern of the flesh is death, but the concern of the spirit is life and peace." -Romans 8:5-6

I kinda went off on a tangent here.  I had to reread all I wrote to get back to my point.

I'm battling with right and wrong lately in many aspects of my life.  And each time I choose wrong, I know it clearly because of the guilt.  Right now, although I'm so very lonely, when I think about maybe starting to date sometime after the divorce is official (which I suppose is going to be sometime this month), I'm condemned with guilt.  That's telling me it's wrong.  At least for now.  God will tell me if that will ever be right.

**IMPORTANT NOTE:  For all my divorced/remarried readers, I am certainly not here to condemn or shame you.  Jesus plainly says, "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come". (Matthew 12:31-32) Divorce, remarriage or even adultery do not qualify for the unforgivable sin, so each person who commits those things can repent and be forgiven.  All you have to do is pray to God asking for forgiveness and then not do it again.  Easy peasy!

Where are they now?

Oh, my friends, I have so much to say right now.  I could probably write ten different blogs on different subjects.  But I will start with an update...

So where are we in this journey?

First, I'd like to say that I no longer want to or need to stay anonymous.  My name is Taylor.  I have no secrets.  And if my husband and/or his family see this blog, I don't care.  They should learn a thing or two anyway.

In November, we had a pre-hearing where our lawyers discussed things in order to petition the judge for what we each wanted. I didn't ask for anything.  I didn't just "lay down and take it".  I knew what I was doing. I trusted God to make sure that He would make Luke give me what I was due.  And if he didn't, I knew He would sustain us no matter what.  After all, who are we to ask the unrighteous for help before we ask God?

"When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers" --1 Corinthians 6:1-5

I didn't "get" much.  I got my car.  And we basically agreed that I could take anything in the house that I wanted.  But I didn't take much either.  Like I said, I knew God would provide. I just took what I needed.  I didn't want to fight, not that I really think he would have. But I just didn't care to try either.  It wasn't worth it to cause a fuss.

So I moved out on December first with my youngest and my oldest (she's mine anyway, so he doesn't get her).  Before you say, "How can you split the kids?!?!"  It was just what worked for us.  Growing up in a broken home, I resented my father so much because I was forced to go visit him when I didn't want to.  My ten year old daughter doesn't enjoy going to her biological father's house as much as she should because she feels obligated to go.  I didn't want my kids to grow up with that.  And since my youngest (who has had extensive medical problems that I have taken care of since birth) is closer to me, and my oldest son listens to dad better, it just worked out that two of my sons live with dad full time and my other son and daughter live with me.  We have no formal parenting time arrangement either.  We go by our work schedules and we let the kids decide when they want to see us.  It's worked well for the last month.  I see my boys almost every day if just for a moment, but more often much longer.  We are doing well...I think anyway.  I know my kids are not completely doing alright because their family was just torn apart, but we are getting by.

According to the courts, the divorce will be final in February.  No specific date yet, but that's what I was told after our pre-trial thing in November.  It broke my heart.  I cried through the whole thing.  I must have looked like a blubbering idiot to the judge, my husband and his lawyer.  Actually, I bet my lawyer was taken aback too.  It's like I had no control over it though. It just flowed. I prayed extensively for the crying not to happen, but it did.  I wasn't scared or worried, just sad.  It hurt to hear my husband say to the judge that our marriage was beyond repair when he didn't even try.

But that's a moot point now. I've been out of the house for a month.  And I feel good.  Life isn't perfect, but I'm doing it with only the help of God.  That's all I need.

Last night, it came to my attention that my husband blocked me on Facebook.  Now it's not like I was even talking to him through that or harassing him or even looking at his page.  He just out of no where blocked me.  Didn't change our relationship status, didn't "hide" me, didn't just de-friend me.  No, he blocked me.  Seems extreme, and shocking, and hurtful, doesn't it?  I cried, I puked, I shook and yelled obscenities out to myself in my house (which I have worked hard not to do over the last nine months).  I prayed.  And I freaked out.  I ended up calling my mom on Skype and talked to her for an hour and a half.  I confessed a lot.  Many many things that have happened in our marriage.  Things that I have not told anyone in order to keep my husband's reputation in our community and church intact.  I felt better afterwards and I came to a decision....

I took my wedding ring off, and decided I'm done praying for restoration.  I do want restoration for my marriage. I do want my husband back and my family to be together.  But this is not my husband.  He is so far gone in hurt and anger that he is making awful, sinful, hurtful choices.  I want restoration, but not with this man. I want salvation for my husband before anything else.  And right now, I need to hand him to God to work on, because all he's doing is tearing me apart.  So my prayers from now on will focus on what God is doing in me, and maybe every once in a while I will pray for his heart.  But not our marriage. It needs to die before it's resurrected. (See Bigger Miracles)

So that's where I am now.  I'm doing alright.  In fact, read this:  "I am more 'Me' than I have been in forever..."  I can do this.  God's got it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Philippians 4:13

I am more "Me" than I have been in forever...

I wrote this as a Facebook status which really is what prompted me to start writing again.  This was like God saying, "It's time. I'm letting you speak out again."  I just wanted to share it on here for the record.  Who knows...someday I may need to reread this to get back to this point!

This isn't going to make sense to some of you, and to others it will make perfect sense. There will be a few who have no idea what I am truly talking about but will totally understand without knowing. And then there will be that select few who are going to see this and immediately judge me just because I'm popping up on their newsfeed, then maybe they will actually read, and that will lead to talking negatively amongst themselves about me, saying I'm being fake...and yadda yadda. Bear with me while I declare something....

Life is really hard, and frankly, it's really scary too. I've never had to do it on my own. I've always had people around to save me whenever I asked. Some of it their fault for not letting me do stuff on my own, and most of it my fault for not letting them let me do stuff on my own. Although, I am so grateful to have had them in my life, I'm abundantly grateful NOT to have them in my life to save me right now.

For the first time in almost 33 years, I am genuinely being me, only me. Not a daughter, not a sister, not a wife, not a mom, just me. This is the least "fake" I have ever been. God gave me a journey that is harder and sadder than I could have ever wanted to go through, but like we all say, "There's a reason for everything." He wanted me, only me. He needed me to find me, to know me. And He needed me to need Him and only Him so I knew that I could do anything through Him.

I'm proud of myself tonight because I did yet another thing on my own. Something so small and insignificant probably to most, but something that made me so proud because I did it. All the small things I do on my own, build up into one big thing. Finding a job, making a budget, moving furniture, endlessly unpacking, shoveling snow, putting together five shelving units, a desk and a filing cabinet/printer stand, making candies, cooking dinner from scratch, reading the Bible daily and making sure I make the time for that, cleaning the stove, negotiating a fair price for plowing my driveway, attending to other business like Friend of the Court, car insurance, bills, etc., truly and faithfully tithing, getting the kids to school on time while trying to figure out a new routine, making and sticking to priorities, and generally troubleshooting life... They build up to me growing up, to me having confidence in myself for once, to me not being the victim all the time, to me relying on the one and only thing that I should be relying on--God.

I have no idea what the future holds, only God does. The only thing I can do is pray about it and trust His will be done (and that I will be able to accept it when it does happen). All I do know, though, is that I am walking into the future a totally different person. A person I actually like and have faith in. I know I can do anything. It may be hard, it may be sad, it's probably going to break my heart even more, there may be times when I still want to curl up in my bed and give up, but you know what? God's got this...and that's all that matters.

Been A While

Yes, yes it has....

I last wrote in August.  That was one of the hardest months for me.  I hit a pretty significant low in this whole divorce adventure.  I actually contemplated suicide, which I only told one person and I am sure now if my mom is reading this, she's flipping out.  Don't worry.  I'm ok.  And I made a promise to myself ages ago that if the thought of dying to get out of life's pains ever came back in my head, I would tell someone.  Only one person though.  And they would help me.  So we're good.  No worries.

At any rate, that's how low I was.  After that I wrote this blog: Seek Ye First.  I took that very seriously.  God clearly spoke to me saying that I wasn't putting Him first in my life.  I am proud to say since that happened, I have read devotionals first thing every morning every day ever since.  But that's not all.  I really seriously put God first in everything.  I talk to God before I go to a friend when I am sad, mad, confused, etc.  I ask God for help when I don't know what to do.  I make sure nothing comes before Him and my relationship with Him and my need to learn more from Him.  God is everything.  As He should be.

After that blog post though, I kept thinking to myself that writing every day on this journey, filling my fans in on epiphanies I was having, having profound things to say about devotionals or my readings in the Bible, all that stuff was part of me seeking God.  But it wasn't.  I was seeking attention. I really wanted more readers.  I wanted to inspire others with my faith.  I was doing it for the wrong reason.

And that is why I took a break from writing.

That....and God made me do it.  He knew what I was doing and how I was going off on a weird path with this whole blogging thing and decided to give me writer's block.  Everything that I wrote sounded really dumb.  I have a few drafts saved on here to prove it (which shall promptly be deleted).  When I couldn't get the right words out any longer, I started looking back at what I was doing and saw my flaws.  I was wrong.

I thought several times I would come back and write, but I didn't.  The main reason is because I was still working on getting God first and foremost in my life, and I didn't want to allow the blog writing (and acquiring readers) to get in the way of that.  I put my big girl pants on and did what was right.  I let God lead me.

The last couple of weeks I've begun writing blogs in my head without even really knowing it.  They became Facebook statuses.  Just thoughts I had and wanted to speak out into existence, to no one in particular.  And that's when God told me I could write again.

So I'm back.

Bitter Party

From a pity party to a bitter party...

I don't know what is eating at me, but I am so grumpy.  I'm really irritable.  Little things are annoying me so much.  I have this knot in my chest and feel overwhelmed by this anger, and I don't even know where it's coming from.

Nothing has changed in the major situation I have been in for the last several months.  No one has done anything different.  No more moves have been made.  No more words have been said.

Yet for the past two weeks I have just been all around angry.  Angry at the world again.  Am I stuck on the Angry-Go-Round?  I don't even know what I'm angry about. I'm just so....ARGH!

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. --Ephesians 4:31

I am trying, Lord, but I don't even know where it's coming from.  Please just cleanse me of this desire to hate everything and everyone.  Please relax my body, my mind, and my heart.  Loosen my clenched jaw and release my furrowed brow.  Help me to take deep breaths and feel good.  Fill me with your love and let it pour out of me.  Make it fill me so much that there is no room for anger, resentment, irritability.  During this time, help me to keep my mouth shut.  Let nothing flow from me but your love. Let no one see how dark I am inside right now.

I have come so far in the last five months and I feel it all slipping away because of the last few weeks where I have just felt so negative.  I can't let that happen. I won't.

Pity Party

I'm feeling really tired lately.  And it feels like everything is hitting me as hard.  Being a mother is hard.  Getting out of bed is hard.  Life. is. hard.  I don't feel like doing this anymore.

Today was weird.  I woke up...and then fell back asleep...like a million times.  I don't know what's wrong with me but I literally can't keep my eyes open.  And this happens to be a day that my husband was working so I had to care for the kids--prepare meals, keep them entertained, make peace among them, take the dog out, etc.  But I could not will myself to move for the most part.  So they frustrated me quite a bit....  They are always so loud, constantly fighting, eating everything, and never ever listening to me.  Never.

I'm. so. tired.

It's days like today...or really like the past two weeks...that make me wonder why I do any of this.  What's the purpose anymore?   I really don't know...

But...I'll keep going. I have to keep going.

There's a Reason

"God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason."

One of my friends said this to me today in a message on Facebook. It stuck with me and played around in my head for a while. Then while doing dishes, I said it out loud, "God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason...." and almost immediately I heard, "So he can see you go through it."

You see, I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want. I don't like even saying that because I believe God is restoring my marriage even if it's falling apart. The weird thing is my husband and I still live together with our four children. It's like we are roommates, not husband and wife, but in all other aspects we are a family. It's very hurtful to have him so close yet so very distant from me. And it's very difficult for me to just "give him to God". I never know how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to say, how to interact with him, etc. Plus, his new found desire to wear cologne even though he has never worn any in the 11+ years we have been together is pretty disheartening to smell constantly.

My friend who said the above is going through the same thing, except her husband is out of the house now. She doesn't see him or speak to him unless he initiates contact. She is praying her way through this, and like mine, her marriage is being restored. It's happening. We might not see it, but God is working. We know it.

Her point in saying that to me was that for some reason God decided I needed to go through this in a different way that she is. And as I prayed over her words, it came to me that my husband needs to see the work God is doing in me.

Yet at the same time, I need to let God do the work in me without wanting and needing others to see it.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. --Matthew 6:1-4

Conundrum! Really?! Could this be any harder?

Sure it can! God blessed me with a brain that never ever stops. I'm serious. It just goes. I have no control over it. So when it wanders, it worries, and when it worries, I over think everything.

As soon as I start going off on a tangent in my head, I pray to God to let that stop. Please Lord, this is torturing me enough. Please let me not torture myself on top of it all.

Where was I? Well, I guess...I just feel like I'm on this merry-go-round that won't stop. Or at least I can't figure out which direction I have to go to get off of it. I'm very confused. Constantly. I just have to trust that at any given moment God is going to send me a huge neon arrow sign indicating what I need to do. And then I will obey.

Seek Ye First...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. --Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

A few weeks ago, I got to a point in life where I realized the first things I did every single day had nothing to do with God.  And each time I did these things, I felt guilty that I waited to do devotionals, read the bible, or pray until after they were done.  How on Earth did a get to a point where Facebook and emails were more important to me than God?

I was reading a book and the above scripture was the title of the chapter.  Actually, I think it was just "Seek ye first...".  It spoke about always going to God first in everything--first thing in the morning, first thing when you have a problem, first thing when you are thankful, FIRST.  Funny thing, I was reading it last.  The very last thing I was doing that day.

I fell asleep after reading that chapter.  When I woke in the morning, the first thing that came to my mind before any other thoughts (even that I had to pee) was, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  I knew God was talking to me.  So I immediately read the two devotionals that I read each day and a chapter in proverbs (as I am working through proverbs and then through psalms).  I did it before I even touched my phone, before I went to the bathroom, before I woke the kids and attended their needs.  God came first!

The next day, the same thing happened. I awoke and heard clearly, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  In fact, ever since then, every single morning when I wake up, that's the first thing that runs through my mind.  And I obey.

Last week I had a particularly trying day that ended in an awful evening that broke my heart. In order to save other's reputations ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29) and not cause additional strife, I am not going to share exactly what happened.  Just know it hurt me a lot.  Like to the point where I thought I was going to die from the pain within me.  My initial thought this time, however, was not to run to a friend, my mom, anybody BUT God.  "Seek ye first..."  I needed to turn to God in that exact moment to ask Him to help me through it.  I prayed and prayed, just me and God.  When I finally calmed down a bit, I was able to call a close friend of mine who prayed with me.

In her prayers, she asked God to show me how much He loves me and to give me something to hold on to that will be a symbol to me and remind me constantly.  I went to sleep still feeling like a truck hit me, but I had a peace over me that reminded me that tomorrow is a new day ("Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." --Psalm 30:5).  When I woke up in the morning, I seeked God first.  First, I thanked Him for helping me through the night and giving me a long night's rest.  I asked for continued strength, trust and patience that His will would soon be done.  I just have to keep going.  I read my bible, I did my devotions.  When I finally was done, I did my "second"--checked my email.  Sitting in front of the computer screen was a package that just said "A Gift for Taylor".  It must have arrived the day before when I was out of town.  I opened it up and there was a little card inside that said,

To Taylor,
 ...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you. --Matthew 17:20b

And under that was a little silver necklace with a mustard seed pendant.  There was no indication as to who it was from at all. It was sent directly to me from the store that carries the jewelry, so I couldn't check the post office stamp.  No way of knowing.

Mustard Seed Necklace gift from A Perfect Peace

But I knew.  It was from God.  He told someone that I was in desperate need of a gift to help me to keep going, and that person listened faithfully.  And at the exact right moment, God gave it to me.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  God's got this...as long as I keep seeking Him before all things, He's going to keep speaking to me and helping me through this.  In the end, I will be made anew, and I will have what is promised.

"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Delight in Weakness

Every few weeks, I post a blog about how I am weak and falling apart.  If you are a woman, you know what  I mean when I say, "It's that week."

I think the devil knows that this is the perfect opportunity to attack me.  At all other times, I'm pretty much at peace with what is going on. I know that God is working. I have no doubts at all.  I'm standing strong in my faith.

Then this week hits.  The devil weasels his way into the crack and bursts me into tiny little pieces.  I can't breathe.  I can't muster up enough energy to gather the pieces so I curl up in my bed reeling from the pain of this situation.

It hurts.  It hurts so much...

The last time, I spent two days straight laying in bed crying and praying to the Lord.  "Please, dear God, please.  Make. this. stop."

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:9-10

FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG!!!!  Take that, Devil!

Boys are Overrated

I volunteer at a community center twice a week. The center is a branch off from our church, so you can call it Christian based although we don't shove the belief down the throats of the kids. Basically, we offer a safe place for kids of all ages to come hang out and be entertained.  And we feed them. So that makes them happy!

The young girls seem to enjoy talking with me and ask me to "hang out" with them. From the six year old little ladies who ask me to make bracelets for them to the twelve year old tweens who talk to me about boys.  

Sigh...boys.  

Why are preteens so worried about boys already? I was one of them twenty years ago. Well, to be honest, I was boy crazy as early as kindergarten. I so very deeply wanted to be in love. I have no idea why. But boys had the answer to some epic question I started seeking very early in life.

Today, one of the twelve year old girls named Chelsie (who has a twelve year old boyfriend named Gavin who also hangs out at the center) asked me, "Why do you say we are too young to have boyfriends?" Oh. My. Gosh! God opened up a door for me to stick a foot into! But I tripped as I was walking in.

I didn't know how to answer. And I didn't know how to tactfully bring God into the conversation without scaring the Chrisitanity right out of her. I fumbled with my words until this came out:

"Well, I think there is more in life that should be of greater importance to you at this age."

Ooh. That was good!

"What do you mean?" She asked

Yay, God is giving me another chance.

"Are you ready to get married, Chelsie?"

She laughed.  "Not for a while."

"Then why do something that is meant to find your husband when you are not even ready to think about marriage?"

She took that to heart. I sat there with thoughts of saying, "also, Jesus wouldn't be happy with you," or, "because you should spend the time you are worshiping your boyfriend worshiping god instead."  I thought about it, but I knew if I said it, I would lose her. She didn't need to hear that. So I said this to make her want to hear more from me:

"Speaking from experience, not as a mom, not as a grown up, nothing but someone who has been there too, Chels, if I could go back and forget about boys until I was much older and focused on something else, my life would have been so different."

She stared at me ready to hear more, but I allowed one of the younger girls to interrupt by tying a bracelet I was braiding onto her outstretched wrist. I said enough. Just enough. 

Now she is waiting to hear what I would have rather focused on instead of boys. How my life would have been different. And God will give me that opportunity to tell her the love she is looking for is way easier to get than to obsess over boys all the time.  God has me there for a reason.

It's all about me!

When a conflict arises between any pair (be it a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a family relationship, or even strangers), our initial reaction is to automatically blame the other person.  It's their fault, right?  You didn't do anything.  Of course not, you are perfect!

I beg to differ, dear friend.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? --Matthew 7:3

Jesus is saying that before you speak negatively about another person, before you judge them, before you evaluate their self worth, look at you.

No one is perfect other than Jesus.  It is perfectly ok that you did something wrong.  What is not ok, is if you think what you did wrong doesn't matter, and then on top of it, you chastise others for their wrongdoings.

My marriage has fallen apart.  I'm trusting God to bring it back together.  But I'm not just sitting around doing nothing.  We both had faults in this marriage, but nothing will ever be healed until I work on me.  God will work on him.

I've been praying to God to point out everything wrong about me. This is a harsh reality, let me tell you.  Criticism hurts even when it is constructive.  And for someone like me who has always prided herself on being right...it kills me to be so wrong.

But I also cannot tell you enough how freeing it feels to see clearly now.  I was praying earlier today and just thanked God for making me someone I actually like now.  I look back at who I used to be and am so appalled.  How did I even have friends?

I'm not done yet.  I'm working on me until the day I die.  I will always ask God to tell me where I am wrong because I am not perfect and never will be.  I will always ask Him to give me the desire to be more like Jesus, to be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover, human being.  Because walking with a plank sticking out of my face just isn't appealing to me.

Friends, I beg of you to look in the mirror.  Speaking purely from experience, when you see wrong in everything else and hate the world, it probably has something to do with what is in you.  Ask God to help you fix that.

He is Using You

Remind yourself, "This is not working against me. This is working for me. It's getting me in position for the amazing future God has in store." --Joel Osteen

There's a reason for everything.  Everyone says that.  "I know there's a reason for everything, but..."  No "but".  There just is.  God gives you every single situation in your life in order to make you who you need to be for when He uses you.

It's hard to accept this when your life is sucking. It's hard to see that some way, some how in your future this very moment is going to have some huge significance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.-- Romans 8:28

I told you!  He does "all things" for your "good" "according to his purpose".

Brings new meaning to "Praise Him in this Storm".  God trusts you with something great in the future.  Something for which He needs to mold you in His very hands.  Something for which He needs to make you stronger in your faith.  Something for which He is going to use your fight as an example to others.  Praise the Lord for He has chosen you for this task!  Are you honored or what?!

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the victor's crown, the life God has promised to those who love him.--James 1:12

Need just smidge more to help your strength right now during this hard time?  Check out what my friend Katy says here.

Stronger

I know that God is using me right now. He's building up an amazing testimony that will knock the socks off of everyone who hears it someday. It's going to make a difference in many lives. It will even save some.

Lord, I want you to use me. But please, as you use me, as you build up this testimony, make me stronger. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

He has promised me. And He will. For I have mustard seeds.

In fact, I bought five packs of them to throw at the enemy when he attacks me.

I. Will. Win.

Bigger Miracles

Anyone can heal a man, but raising him from the dead?  Now that takes a bigger miracle.

Jesus had a friend named Lazarus.  He was very ill, so his sister, Martha, sent for Jesus.  "Lord, the one you love is sick." (John 11:3)  He loved him.  And although he knew his cherished friend was dying, he stayed where he was for two more days.

Why did he do that?  Lazarus was very ill, on his deathbed.  And Jesus loved him....he LOVED him.  Why did he wait if he knew that he was so close to death?

Lazarus died.  Jesus already knew that.  He waited the two days so that Lazarus would die.  What?  Didn't we just establish that he loved him??

"So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe." -John 11:14-15

By the time they got to Lazarus, he had already been in the tomb for four days.  I tried to look up how long he was actually dead before Jesus got there, but Google frustrated me, so I gave up.  BUT think about it.  In this day and age, funerals are typically 4ish days after death.  Who knows about back in those times, but I would assume they had to take some time to prepare the tomb and the body before it was buried.  So Lazarus was dead probably about a whole week before Jesus got there.  Now we have established that Lazarus was not just barely dead, but completely dead....a week's worth of dead.

"'Lord,' Martha said to Jesus, 'if you had been here, my brother would not have died." -John 11:21

Martha and Mary (her sister) were mad.  They knew he could have gotten there before he died, but he didn't.  In fact, Mary wouldn't even come out to greet Jesus when he arrived she was so upset with him.  

Jesus cried for his beloved friend.  Everyone around him saw how much he loved Lazarus.  But still they were so confused as to why he waited to come.  Why would a man that can heal a blind stranger not come running to save the life of his dear friend?

Martha and Mary took Jesus to Lazarus' tomb and when Jesus said to remove the stone, Martha protested that her very dead brother would stink.  But Jesus had bigger miracles for those who believed.

"Then Jesus looked up and said, 'Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me." -John 11:41-42

After he spoke, his completely dead friend walked out of the tomb.

Like I said, anyone can heal a man, but it takes a bigger miracle to raise him from the dead.  Jesus knew what he was doing the whole time.  He knew his friend would die, and he knew he would bring him back to life.  He knew that they would be sad that he got there too late, but he knew raising him from the dead would make them believe more than healing him would.

Have you ever caught yourself in a really big trial in your life and wondered why God was taking so long to heal you?  It's because He has a bigger miracle to show you, to show the world.  He's waiting for the right moment to raise you from the dead because that is bigger than what you expect Him to do.  And when that bigger miracle happens, when you see the "glory of God" (v.40), you have no choice but to believe.

Mustard Seeds

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” --Matthew 17:20

A mustard seed is 1 to 2mm in diameter.  Jesus says in the parable of the mustard seeds that it is the smallest of all seeds. (Matthew 13)

One of my sons has had a really tough life.  He has knocked on deaths door many times in his almost 7 years of life (and even before that in the womb).  I fully believe that he is here today, and a healthy little boy for that matter, because of mustard seeds.

My husband used to walk around at the hospitals our ill son was living in and sprinkle mustard seeds as he prayed.  He used to whisper the verse above to our son and tell him he "better get to moving those mountains".  He believed that all it took was faith in God's hand on our little teeny tiny baby boy and he would live.  And not only live but surpass all that the doctors said he would ever be able to do with that life.

If one tiny mustard seed can move a mountain, what can handfuls of mustard seeds do to a mole hill?  I'd say they can stomp on it and blow it to smithereens.  Amen.

What do you do when you are knocking on deaths door?  Have faith.  What do you do when a situation looks impossible?  Have faith.  What do you do when the devil chips away at your soul?  Throw mustard seeds at him.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." --1 Corinthians 16:13

Hello, My Name is....

If it weren't for the fact that I keep in touch with the majority of my friends and run a business through it, I would get rid of Facebook. Hurtful talk and acts run rampant on that site. People use it to passively speak to others which can be either about you or about someone else, but still hurts you all the same. It ruins relationships, it cultivates gossip, it destroys communication, it distracts from work and what needs to be done in "real" life. In short, Facebook is the devil's playground. Beware!

The other day, someone said something mean about me on someone else's public Facebook status. Just plainly put it out there where they knew I would see it.  They persecuted my new found love of Christ and my blatant display of my walk with and trust of God saying that I was putting on a show. 

Normally, I would publicly fight back and call said person some choice names that would not pleasing to the Lord. I would retaliate by sharing their missteps and downfalls publicly and banding my friends together to form a hate group about them. Basically, I would stoop to their level.

But just as this happened, God said, "You got it wrong!"  Remember the other day when I posted a blog about standing up for myself and time to speak? I was wrong. My interpretation was off.  I'm glad I sat back and prayed about that more asking God for a very clear answer as to whether or not I was to speak yet. What I thought He was saying to me was wrong.

God was preparing me though the book of Nehemiah to be able to defend my faith.  He was telling me that it was time to speak in this situation. Not in what I had thought a few days ago.

I wrote to the person, who is a "Christian" woman, and asked if she believed that the Bible is truth.  I said that if she did, as any Christian would, then she would believe that anyone can be made new in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Through my time in the word over the last 2.5 months, I was able to stand up straight and use scripture to say what needed to be said.

I am Nehemiah. I am rebuilding a home, I am fighting the enemies' persecution and mocking, I am using scripture to defend what I am doing.  I will continue to build no matter what comes my way and I will defend.

I am Saul.  I persecuted Christianity and let my faith fall, I was blind...then I heard God's voice and now I see.  I am Paul.  I am mocked. I have people who do not believe me.  I have people casting stones and trying to beat me down. But I will stand as God has asked me to.

Hello, my name is child of the one true King 

I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free

“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it’s true

Just take a look at my life

-Matthew West