"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Delight in Weakness

Every few weeks, I post a blog about how I am weak and falling apart.  If you are a woman, you know what  I mean when I say, "It's that week."

I think the devil knows that this is the perfect opportunity to attack me.  At all other times, I'm pretty much at peace with what is going on. I know that God is working. I have no doubts at all.  I'm standing strong in my faith.

Then this week hits.  The devil weasels his way into the crack and bursts me into tiny little pieces.  I can't breathe.  I can't muster up enough energy to gather the pieces so I curl up in my bed reeling from the pain of this situation.

It hurts.  It hurts so much...

The last time, I spent two days straight laying in bed crying and praying to the Lord.  "Please, dear God, please.  Make. this. stop."

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:9-10

FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG!!!!  Take that, Devil!

Boys are Overrated

I volunteer at a community center twice a week. The center is a branch off from our church, so you can call it Christian based although we don't shove the belief down the throats of the kids. Basically, we offer a safe place for kids of all ages to come hang out and be entertained.  And we feed them. So that makes them happy!

The young girls seem to enjoy talking with me and ask me to "hang out" with them. From the six year old little ladies who ask me to make bracelets for them to the twelve year old tweens who talk to me about boys.  

Sigh...boys.  

Why are preteens so worried about boys already? I was one of them twenty years ago. Well, to be honest, I was boy crazy as early as kindergarten. I so very deeply wanted to be in love. I have no idea why. But boys had the answer to some epic question I started seeking very early in life.

Today, one of the twelve year old girls named Chelsie (who has a twelve year old boyfriend named Gavin who also hangs out at the center) asked me, "Why do you say we are too young to have boyfriends?" Oh. My. Gosh! God opened up a door for me to stick a foot into! But I tripped as I was walking in.

I didn't know how to answer. And I didn't know how to tactfully bring God into the conversation without scaring the Chrisitanity right out of her. I fumbled with my words until this came out:

"Well, I think there is more in life that should be of greater importance to you at this age."

Ooh. That was good!

"What do you mean?" She asked

Yay, God is giving me another chance.

"Are you ready to get married, Chelsie?"

She laughed.  "Not for a while."

"Then why do something that is meant to find your husband when you are not even ready to think about marriage?"

She took that to heart. I sat there with thoughts of saying, "also, Jesus wouldn't be happy with you," or, "because you should spend the time you are worshiping your boyfriend worshiping god instead."  I thought about it, but I knew if I said it, I would lose her. She didn't need to hear that. So I said this to make her want to hear more from me:

"Speaking from experience, not as a mom, not as a grown up, nothing but someone who has been there too, Chels, if I could go back and forget about boys until I was much older and focused on something else, my life would have been so different."

She stared at me ready to hear more, but I allowed one of the younger girls to interrupt by tying a bracelet I was braiding onto her outstretched wrist. I said enough. Just enough. 

Now she is waiting to hear what I would have rather focused on instead of boys. How my life would have been different. And God will give me that opportunity to tell her the love she is looking for is way easier to get than to obsess over boys all the time.  God has me there for a reason.

It's all about me!

When a conflict arises between any pair (be it a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a family relationship, or even strangers), our initial reaction is to automatically blame the other person.  It's their fault, right?  You didn't do anything.  Of course not, you are perfect!

I beg to differ, dear friend.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? --Matthew 7:3

Jesus is saying that before you speak negatively about another person, before you judge them, before you evaluate their self worth, look at you.

No one is perfect other than Jesus.  It is perfectly ok that you did something wrong.  What is not ok, is if you think what you did wrong doesn't matter, and then on top of it, you chastise others for their wrongdoings.

My marriage has fallen apart.  I'm trusting God to bring it back together.  But I'm not just sitting around doing nothing.  We both had faults in this marriage, but nothing will ever be healed until I work on me.  God will work on him.

I've been praying to God to point out everything wrong about me. This is a harsh reality, let me tell you.  Criticism hurts even when it is constructive.  And for someone like me who has always prided herself on being right...it kills me to be so wrong.

But I also cannot tell you enough how freeing it feels to see clearly now.  I was praying earlier today and just thanked God for making me someone I actually like now.  I look back at who I used to be and am so appalled.  How did I even have friends?

I'm not done yet.  I'm working on me until the day I die.  I will always ask God to tell me where I am wrong because I am not perfect and never will be.  I will always ask Him to give me the desire to be more like Jesus, to be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover, human being.  Because walking with a plank sticking out of my face just isn't appealing to me.

Friends, I beg of you to look in the mirror.  Speaking purely from experience, when you see wrong in everything else and hate the world, it probably has something to do with what is in you.  Ask God to help you fix that.

He is Using You

Remind yourself, "This is not working against me. This is working for me. It's getting me in position for the amazing future God has in store." --Joel Osteen

There's a reason for everything.  Everyone says that.  "I know there's a reason for everything, but..."  No "but".  There just is.  God gives you every single situation in your life in order to make you who you need to be for when He uses you.

It's hard to accept this when your life is sucking. It's hard to see that some way, some how in your future this very moment is going to have some huge significance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.-- Romans 8:28

I told you!  He does "all things" for your "good" "according to his purpose".

Brings new meaning to "Praise Him in this Storm".  God trusts you with something great in the future.  Something for which He needs to mold you in His very hands.  Something for which He needs to make you stronger in your faith.  Something for which He is going to use your fight as an example to others.  Praise the Lord for He has chosen you for this task!  Are you honored or what?!

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the victor's crown, the life God has promised to those who love him.--James 1:12

Need just smidge more to help your strength right now during this hard time?  Check out what my friend Katy says here.