Bitter Party

From a pity party to a bitter party...

I don't know what is eating at me, but I am so grumpy.  I'm really irritable.  Little things are annoying me so much.  I have this knot in my chest and feel overwhelmed by this anger, and I don't even know where it's coming from.

Nothing has changed in the major situation I have been in for the last several months.  No one has done anything different.  No more moves have been made.  No more words have been said.

Yet for the past two weeks I have just been all around angry.  Angry at the world again.  Am I stuck on the Angry-Go-Round?  I don't even know what I'm angry about. I'm just so....ARGH!

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. --Ephesians 4:31

I am trying, Lord, but I don't even know where it's coming from.  Please just cleanse me of this desire to hate everything and everyone.  Please relax my body, my mind, and my heart.  Loosen my clenched jaw and release my furrowed brow.  Help me to take deep breaths and feel good.  Fill me with your love and let it pour out of me.  Make it fill me so much that there is no room for anger, resentment, irritability.  During this time, help me to keep my mouth shut.  Let nothing flow from me but your love. Let no one see how dark I am inside right now.

I have come so far in the last five months and I feel it all slipping away because of the last few weeks where I have just felt so negative.  I can't let that happen. I won't.

Pity Party

I'm feeling really tired lately.  And it feels like everything is hitting me as hard.  Being a mother is hard.  Getting out of bed is hard.  Life. is. hard.  I don't feel like doing this anymore.

Today was weird.  I woke up...and then fell back asleep...like a million times.  I don't know what's wrong with me but I literally can't keep my eyes open.  And this happens to be a day that my husband was working so I had to care for the kids--prepare meals, keep them entertained, make peace among them, take the dog out, etc.  But I could not will myself to move for the most part.  So they frustrated me quite a bit....  They are always so loud, constantly fighting, eating everything, and never ever listening to me.  Never.

I'm. so. tired.

It's days like today...or really like the past two weeks...that make me wonder why I do any of this.  What's the purpose anymore?   I really don't know...

But...I'll keep going. I have to keep going.

There's a Reason

"God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason."

One of my friends said this to me today in a message on Facebook. It stuck with me and played around in my head for a while. Then while doing dishes, I said it out loud, "God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason...." and almost immediately I heard, "So he can see you go through it."

You see, I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want. I don't like even saying that because I believe God is restoring my marriage even if it's falling apart. The weird thing is my husband and I still live together with our four children. It's like we are roommates, not husband and wife, but in all other aspects we are a family. It's very hurtful to have him so close yet so very distant from me. And it's very difficult for me to just "give him to God". I never know how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to say, how to interact with him, etc. Plus, his new found desire to wear cologne even though he has never worn any in the 11+ years we have been together is pretty disheartening to smell constantly.

My friend who said the above is going through the same thing, except her husband is out of the house now. She doesn't see him or speak to him unless he initiates contact. She is praying her way through this, and like mine, her marriage is being restored. It's happening. We might not see it, but God is working. We know it.

Her point in saying that to me was that for some reason God decided I needed to go through this in a different way that she is. And as I prayed over her words, it came to me that my husband needs to see the work God is doing in me.

Yet at the same time, I need to let God do the work in me without wanting and needing others to see it.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. --Matthew 6:1-4

Conundrum! Really?! Could this be any harder?

Sure it can! God blessed me with a brain that never ever stops. I'm serious. It just goes. I have no control over it. So when it wanders, it worries, and when it worries, I over think everything.

As soon as I start going off on a tangent in my head, I pray to God to let that stop. Please Lord, this is torturing me enough. Please let me not torture myself on top of it all.

Where was I? Well, I guess...I just feel like I'm on this merry-go-round that won't stop. Or at least I can't figure out which direction I have to go to get off of it. I'm very confused. Constantly. I just have to trust that at any given moment God is going to send me a huge neon arrow sign indicating what I need to do. And then I will obey.

Seek Ye First...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. --Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

A few weeks ago, I got to a point in life where I realized the first things I did every single day had nothing to do with God.  And each time I did these things, I felt guilty that I waited to do devotionals, read the bible, or pray until after they were done.  How on Earth did a get to a point where Facebook and emails were more important to me than God?

I was reading a book and the above scripture was the title of the chapter.  Actually, I think it was just "Seek ye first...".  It spoke about always going to God first in everything--first thing in the morning, first thing when you have a problem, first thing when you are thankful, FIRST.  Funny thing, I was reading it last.  The very last thing I was doing that day.

I fell asleep after reading that chapter.  When I woke in the morning, the first thing that came to my mind before any other thoughts (even that I had to pee) was, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  I knew God was talking to me.  So I immediately read the two devotionals that I read each day and a chapter in proverbs (as I am working through proverbs and then through psalms).  I did it before I even touched my phone, before I went to the bathroom, before I woke the kids and attended their needs.  God came first!

The next day, the same thing happened. I awoke and heard clearly, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  In fact, ever since then, every single morning when I wake up, that's the first thing that runs through my mind.  And I obey.

Last week I had a particularly trying day that ended in an awful evening that broke my heart. In order to save other's reputations ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29) and not cause additional strife, I am not going to share exactly what happened.  Just know it hurt me a lot.  Like to the point where I thought I was going to die from the pain within me.  My initial thought this time, however, was not to run to a friend, my mom, anybody BUT God.  "Seek ye first..."  I needed to turn to God in that exact moment to ask Him to help me through it.  I prayed and prayed, just me and God.  When I finally calmed down a bit, I was able to call a close friend of mine who prayed with me.

In her prayers, she asked God to show me how much He loves me and to give me something to hold on to that will be a symbol to me and remind me constantly.  I went to sleep still feeling like a truck hit me, but I had a peace over me that reminded me that tomorrow is a new day ("Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." --Psalm 30:5).  When I woke up in the morning, I seeked God first.  First, I thanked Him for helping me through the night and giving me a long night's rest.  I asked for continued strength, trust and patience that His will would soon be done.  I just have to keep going.  I read my bible, I did my devotions.  When I finally was done, I did my "second"--checked my email.  Sitting in front of the computer screen was a package that just said "A Gift for Taylor".  It must have arrived the day before when I was out of town.  I opened it up and there was a little card inside that said,

To Taylor,
 ...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you. --Matthew 17:20b

And under that was a little silver necklace with a mustard seed pendant.  There was no indication as to who it was from at all. It was sent directly to me from the store that carries the jewelry, so I couldn't check the post office stamp.  No way of knowing.

Mustard Seed Necklace gift from A Perfect Peace

But I knew.  It was from God.  He told someone that I was in desperate need of a gift to help me to keep going, and that person listened faithfully.  And at the exact right moment, God gave it to me.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  God's got this...as long as I keep seeking Him before all things, He's going to keep speaking to me and helping me through this.  In the end, I will be made anew, and I will have what is promised.

"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Delight in Weakness

Every few weeks, I post a blog about how I am weak and falling apart.  If you are a woman, you know what  I mean when I say, "It's that week."

I think the devil knows that this is the perfect opportunity to attack me.  At all other times, I'm pretty much at peace with what is going on. I know that God is working. I have no doubts at all.  I'm standing strong in my faith.

Then this week hits.  The devil weasels his way into the crack and bursts me into tiny little pieces.  I can't breathe.  I can't muster up enough energy to gather the pieces so I curl up in my bed reeling from the pain of this situation.

It hurts.  It hurts so much...

The last time, I spent two days straight laying in bed crying and praying to the Lord.  "Please, dear God, please.  Make. this. stop."

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. --2 Corinthians 12:9-10

FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG!!!!  Take that, Devil!

Boys are Overrated

I volunteer at a community center twice a week. The center is a branch off from our church, so you can call it Christian based although we don't shove the belief down the throats of the kids. Basically, we offer a safe place for kids of all ages to come hang out and be entertained.  And we feed them. So that makes them happy!

The young girls seem to enjoy talking with me and ask me to "hang out" with them. From the six year old little ladies who ask me to make bracelets for them to the twelve year old tweens who talk to me about boys.  

Sigh...boys.  

Why are preteens so worried about boys already? I was one of them twenty years ago. Well, to be honest, I was boy crazy as early as kindergarten. I so very deeply wanted to be in love. I have no idea why. But boys had the answer to some epic question I started seeking very early in life.

Today, one of the twelve year old girls named Chelsie (who has a twelve year old boyfriend named Gavin who also hangs out at the center) asked me, "Why do you say we are too young to have boyfriends?" Oh. My. Gosh! God opened up a door for me to stick a foot into! But I tripped as I was walking in.

I didn't know how to answer. And I didn't know how to tactfully bring God into the conversation without scaring the Chrisitanity right out of her. I fumbled with my words until this came out:

"Well, I think there is more in life that should be of greater importance to you at this age."

Ooh. That was good!

"What do you mean?" She asked

Yay, God is giving me another chance.

"Are you ready to get married, Chelsie?"

She laughed.  "Not for a while."

"Then why do something that is meant to find your husband when you are not even ready to think about marriage?"

She took that to heart. I sat there with thoughts of saying, "also, Jesus wouldn't be happy with you," or, "because you should spend the time you are worshiping your boyfriend worshiping god instead."  I thought about it, but I knew if I said it, I would lose her. She didn't need to hear that. So I said this to make her want to hear more from me:

"Speaking from experience, not as a mom, not as a grown up, nothing but someone who has been there too, Chels, if I could go back and forget about boys until I was much older and focused on something else, my life would have been so different."

She stared at me ready to hear more, but I allowed one of the younger girls to interrupt by tying a bracelet I was braiding onto her outstretched wrist. I said enough. Just enough. 

Now she is waiting to hear what I would have rather focused on instead of boys. How my life would have been different. And God will give me that opportunity to tell her the love she is looking for is way easier to get than to obsess over boys all the time.  God has me there for a reason.

It's all about me!

When a conflict arises between any pair (be it a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a family relationship, or even strangers), our initial reaction is to automatically blame the other person.  It's their fault, right?  You didn't do anything.  Of course not, you are perfect!

I beg to differ, dear friend.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? --Matthew 7:3

Jesus is saying that before you speak negatively about another person, before you judge them, before you evaluate their self worth, look at you.

No one is perfect other than Jesus.  It is perfectly ok that you did something wrong.  What is not ok, is if you think what you did wrong doesn't matter, and then on top of it, you chastise others for their wrongdoings.

My marriage has fallen apart.  I'm trusting God to bring it back together.  But I'm not just sitting around doing nothing.  We both had faults in this marriage, but nothing will ever be healed until I work on me.  God will work on him.

I've been praying to God to point out everything wrong about me. This is a harsh reality, let me tell you.  Criticism hurts even when it is constructive.  And for someone like me who has always prided herself on being right...it kills me to be so wrong.

But I also cannot tell you enough how freeing it feels to see clearly now.  I was praying earlier today and just thanked God for making me someone I actually like now.  I look back at who I used to be and am so appalled.  How did I even have friends?

I'm not done yet.  I'm working on me until the day I die.  I will always ask God to tell me where I am wrong because I am not perfect and never will be.  I will always ask Him to give me the desire to be more like Jesus, to be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover, human being.  Because walking with a plank sticking out of my face just isn't appealing to me.

Friends, I beg of you to look in the mirror.  Speaking purely from experience, when you see wrong in everything else and hate the world, it probably has something to do with what is in you.  Ask God to help you fix that.

He is Using You

Remind yourself, "This is not working against me. This is working for me. It's getting me in position for the amazing future God has in store." --Joel Osteen

There's a reason for everything.  Everyone says that.  "I know there's a reason for everything, but..."  No "but".  There just is.  God gives you every single situation in your life in order to make you who you need to be for when He uses you.

It's hard to accept this when your life is sucking. It's hard to see that some way, some how in your future this very moment is going to have some huge significance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.-- Romans 8:28

I told you!  He does "all things" for your "good" "according to his purpose".

Brings new meaning to "Praise Him in this Storm".  God trusts you with something great in the future.  Something for which He needs to mold you in His very hands.  Something for which He needs to make you stronger in your faith.  Something for which He is going to use your fight as an example to others.  Praise the Lord for He has chosen you for this task!  Are you honored or what?!

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the victor's crown, the life God has promised to those who love him.--James 1:12

Need just smidge more to help your strength right now during this hard time?  Check out what my friend Katy says here.

Stronger

I know that God is using me right now. He's building up an amazing testimony that will knock the socks off of everyone who hears it someday. It's going to make a difference in many lives. It will even save some.

Lord, I want you to use me. But please, as you use me, as you build up this testimony, make me stronger. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

He has promised me. And He will. For I have mustard seeds.

In fact, I bought five packs of them to throw at the enemy when he attacks me.

I. Will. Win.

Bigger Miracles

Anyone can heal a man, but raising him from the dead?  Now that takes a bigger miracle.

Jesus had a friend named Lazarus.  He was very ill, so his sister, Martha, sent for Jesus.  "Lord, the one you love is sick." (John 11:3)  He loved him.  And although he knew his cherished friend was dying, he stayed where he was for two more days.

Why did he do that?  Lazarus was very ill, on his deathbed.  And Jesus loved him....he LOVED him.  Why did he wait if he knew that he was so close to death?

Lazarus died.  Jesus already knew that.  He waited the two days so that Lazarus would die.  What?  Didn't we just establish that he loved him??

"So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe." -John 11:14-15

By the time they got to Lazarus, he had already been in the tomb for four days.  I tried to look up how long he was actually dead before Jesus got there, but Google frustrated me, so I gave up.  BUT think about it.  In this day and age, funerals are typically 4ish days after death.  Who knows about back in those times, but I would assume they had to take some time to prepare the tomb and the body before it was buried.  So Lazarus was dead probably about a whole week before Jesus got there.  Now we have established that Lazarus was not just barely dead, but completely dead....a week's worth of dead.

"'Lord,' Martha said to Jesus, 'if you had been here, my brother would not have died." -John 11:21

Martha and Mary (her sister) were mad.  They knew he could have gotten there before he died, but he didn't.  In fact, Mary wouldn't even come out to greet Jesus when he arrived she was so upset with him.  

Jesus cried for his beloved friend.  Everyone around him saw how much he loved Lazarus.  But still they were so confused as to why he waited to come.  Why would a man that can heal a blind stranger not come running to save the life of his dear friend?

Martha and Mary took Jesus to Lazarus' tomb and when Jesus said to remove the stone, Martha protested that her very dead brother would stink.  But Jesus had bigger miracles for those who believed.

"Then Jesus looked up and said, 'Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me." -John 11:41-42

After he spoke, his completely dead friend walked out of the tomb.

Like I said, anyone can heal a man, but it takes a bigger miracle to raise him from the dead.  Jesus knew what he was doing the whole time.  He knew his friend would die, and he knew he would bring him back to life.  He knew that they would be sad that he got there too late, but he knew raising him from the dead would make them believe more than healing him would.

Have you ever caught yourself in a really big trial in your life and wondered why God was taking so long to heal you?  It's because He has a bigger miracle to show you, to show the world.  He's waiting for the right moment to raise you from the dead because that is bigger than what you expect Him to do.  And when that bigger miracle happens, when you see the "glory of God" (v.40), you have no choice but to believe.

Mustard Seeds

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” --Matthew 17:20

A mustard seed is 1 to 2mm in diameter.  Jesus says in the parable of the mustard seeds that it is the smallest of all seeds. (Matthew 13)

One of my sons has had a really tough life.  He has knocked on deaths door many times in his almost 7 years of life (and even before that in the womb).  I fully believe that he is here today, and a healthy little boy for that matter, because of mustard seeds.

My husband used to walk around at the hospitals our ill son was living in and sprinkle mustard seeds as he prayed.  He used to whisper the verse above to our son and tell him he "better get to moving those mountains".  He believed that all it took was faith in God's hand on our little teeny tiny baby boy and he would live.  And not only live but surpass all that the doctors said he would ever be able to do with that life.

If one tiny mustard seed can move a mountain, what can handfuls of mustard seeds do to a mole hill?  I'd say they can stomp on it and blow it to smithereens.  Amen.

What do you do when you are knocking on deaths door?  Have faith.  What do you do when a situation looks impossible?  Have faith.  What do you do when the devil chips away at your soul?  Throw mustard seeds at him.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." --1 Corinthians 16:13

Hello, My Name is....

If it weren't for the fact that I keep in touch with the majority of my friends and run a business through it, I would get rid of Facebook. Hurtful talk and acts run rampant on that site. People use it to passively speak to others which can be either about you or about someone else, but still hurts you all the same. It ruins relationships, it cultivates gossip, it destroys communication, it distracts from work and what needs to be done in "real" life. In short, Facebook is the devil's playground. Beware!

The other day, someone said something mean about me on someone else's public Facebook status. Just plainly put it out there where they knew I would see it.  They persecuted my new found love of Christ and my blatant display of my walk with and trust of God saying that I was putting on a show. 

Normally, I would publicly fight back and call said person some choice names that would not pleasing to the Lord. I would retaliate by sharing their missteps and downfalls publicly and banding my friends together to form a hate group about them. Basically, I would stoop to their level.

But just as this happened, God said, "You got it wrong!"  Remember the other day when I posted a blog about standing up for myself and time to speak? I was wrong. My interpretation was off.  I'm glad I sat back and prayed about that more asking God for a very clear answer as to whether or not I was to speak yet. What I thought He was saying to me was wrong.

God was preparing me though the book of Nehemiah to be able to defend my faith.  He was telling me that it was time to speak in this situation. Not in what I had thought a few days ago.

I wrote to the person, who is a "Christian" woman, and asked if she believed that the Bible is truth.  I said that if she did, as any Christian would, then she would believe that anyone can be made new in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Through my time in the word over the last 2.5 months, I was able to stand up straight and use scripture to say what needed to be said.

I am Nehemiah. I am rebuilding a home, I am fighting the enemies' persecution and mocking, I am using scripture to defend what I am doing.  I will continue to build no matter what comes my way and I will defend.

I am Saul.  I persecuted Christianity and let my faith fall, I was blind...then I heard God's voice and now I see.  I am Paul.  I am mocked. I have people who do not believe me.  I have people casting stones and trying to beat me down. But I will stand as God has asked me to.

Hello, my name is child of the one true King 

I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, and I have been set free

“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

I am no longer defined By all the wreckage behind

The one who makes all things new

Has proven it’s true

Just take a look at my life

-Matthew West

One of those moments...

I'm having one of those sad moments.  The ones that come out of nowhere and overtake you.  The ones where tears just fall from your eyes and you don't even know why.  Well, I guess I know why, I just don't know why it started.

The ones where you just say, "Please, God...." and cry.

He hears my heart and He knows I am hurting.  I don't have to say anything because He knows.

"...We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." ~Romans 8:26

It's comforting to know that in times like these all I have to say is, "God, hear my cries and know what I need."  I don't even know...

I just need to trust in Him and His promises.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Exodus 14:13

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58

Just. Keep. Standing.

"Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13:8

Baby Steps

God answered a prayer for me this morning.

I laid in bed last night praying and fumbled over my words.  I ended up getting my prayer journal out and wrote out my prayer instead.  Sometimes I need to do that because the devil fills my head with distractions.  Although God knows what I am trying to say even when I don't (Romans 8:26), I get frustrated with my prayers when they don't make sense.  I literally stopped what I was saying and hung my head.  I sighed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I want to say right now."  And I picked up my pen and paper and it flowed.

I asked for two specific things.  The first was for my husband to want to spend time with his kids as I feel like they have lost some importance on his hierarchy of priorities lately.  The second is more personal and I don't need to share it here.  It's between me, God and my husband (someday).

This morning, I asked him if he would like to go with the kids and I to a local festival.  He asked what time we were leaving and when I said 9:30 he hemmed and hawed and said probably not.  I said we could skip the first parade and just go to a later event at noon to see if he would go with us later.  He said sure, that the kids would like that (if he came with us).  I can't tell you how my heart leapt for joy!

It was short lived.  When I looked up the festival and found we had to pay to get in.  Boo!  So I mentioned it to him saying we would just not go and I would find something for the kids to do here at home.  Then without a beat he said, "Let's just go to the parade like we originally planned and then go out to lunch."  I think I glowed at this moment.  First, he said "we"!!!  That's huge!  He has not used "we", "our", "us" since this started two months ago.  Second, he purposefully made a point to do something with his family even though something got in the way of it.

I enjoyed the time together.  We were like a family for the first time in months.

It gets better....

I clean our floors almost every night now that the kids are playing outside all the time because they track in dirt and mud everywhere.  It's kind of become a routine of mine and I'm not too upset when the footprints appear every night.  I swept up the dirt, then using the sink in the bathroom for my "mop bucket", mopped the floor.  After the floors were clean, the sink was then filthy.  So I got out the bathroom cleaner and started cleaning the vanity.  My daughter walked in then and said, "Can I help?"  She grabbed the cleaner then started scrubbing the bathtub.  What is it with kids that they love to clean when you don't ask them, but when you do it's like pulling teeth?  The cleaning bug trickled down to my other kids and soon I had one in the bathtub, one doing dishes and one folding towels.  What?!

All while this was going on, my husband was watching TV...or something, I don't remember. It wasn't  important to me. It's my job to keep the house. (Proverbs 31:27)  And I'm happy to do it for the Lord.  But soon after my son got out the vacuum, he got up and started moving furniture around to help him get the dust bunnies behind them.  I sat back and watched after mopping the floors, cleaning the vanity, and scrubbing the toilet.  Not that he never does anything around the house, but it was a family effort and he wanted to be part of it.  I smiled.

Thank you, God, for baby steps.  I know you are moving here and I know that the other request I had for you last night will be answered too in your time.  Thank you so much for this day, the time with my family, the sunshine, the fun event we got to enjoy together.  Even though we were at each other's throats at times, we still had love among us.  These times together as a family are so far and few between lately that I treasure each one.  Thank you, thank you, Lord, for giving it to us.  Amen.

Time to Speak?

A couple weeks ago I started reading a devotional plan based on the book of Nehemiah.  Late last week, a devotional blog that I follow started a new plan on Nehemiah too.  I found it kind of redundant and thought to myself that I didn't have to read this new one because I had already read about it in a different devotional. But then I thought, "No, God must have a plan here or he wouldn't want me to study this twice."

Now a little back story here.  Nehemiah was working for the king far away from home when he found out that his home was destroyed.  He waited 4 months until the king finally asked him why he was so sad, and upon telling him what had happened, the king immediately said to go help his people rebuild. (Nehemiah 2:1-2)  Nehemiah waited silently until it was the right time.  Home destroyed, wait silently.  Sound familiar?

Nehemiah knew God's plan for him was a great one. He was to step out in faith and rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't a carpenter or construction worker.  He didn't have a crew.  He didn't have the materials.  He just was to go there and do it.  Just do it!  And because he trusted that God would provide, he did it.

While he was building the wall, the enemies started taunting him and his faith (also sounding familiar?).  Nehemiah took time out of his work to pray for them.  Not to yell back and argue.  Not to fight with them and call them names too.  No, he prayed.  (Nehemiah 4:1-5)

Then through his faith he fought back to protect the wall he was rebuilding with the other Israelites.

"We must post our defenses in our weakest points, ready to defend, with other followers, with strength of His word, with the power of the Holy Spirit."  --Nehemiah 4:13

I didn't know it the first time I read these words, but I did the same thing.  I have been talked about behind my back pretty badly for two months now.  As I sit and wait in silence, I pray for them.  And moreover, I got ready to defend myself with The Word.  I have read and read and learned so much in the last two months. Still a long way to go, but I know so much more than I did a few months ago.


I had fallen behind on my devotionals recently, so the first one I read today was from May 20th titled "The Gift of Friendship to Accomplish God's Work".

"Nehemiah has a gift for asking for help and being specific in his needs.....When we ask for help and work with others for the Lord's calling, we open doors that might have been impossible to open alone....Our Christian friendships allow us to use each other's God-given gifts to work together for His greater plan." --She Reads Truth

For several weeks, God has answered one of my questions clearly.

Should I say something, Lord?

"No, ZIP YOUR LIPS!  I am working on this right now."

I have sat back quietly.  Praying and praying.  Every day among my prayers, I would ask the same thing, every day I would get another scripture that says to stay still and be quiet.

This weekend, my prayers changed slightly asking God to put someone in my husband's life that will tell him what he is doing is wrong.  At church on Sunday, I prayed this over and over. I had these strong urges to talk to a couple of people who I thought would be a good person for this job, but when I asked God if this was where I was to speak, I didn't get an answer.  Since I had so clearly gotten an answer over and over again not to speak.  I knew I needed to wait for an answer to speak.

And today I read this devotional about Nehemiah asking for help.

Is it time, Lord, that I should speak?  And if so, whom shall I speak to for help?  Guide me, God.  Help me find the right person and tell me clearly this is who I am supposed to be asking for help.  Give me the courage and strength to ask them and give them an open and willing heart to help me.  Give them the courage to step in and tell their friend that what he is doing is wrong in your eyes, Lord.  Help them help me bring his heart out of darkness and back to the light.  I ask you all these things in your son's name, Amen.

Remember the Keys

This last week has been a tough one.  My faith has been attacked by the enemy.  My mind have been shrouded with doubt and resentment...and sadness.  My mind and heart have been in a constant battle leaving me feeling very weak and helpless.

I've slacked a little on my devotionals because of time constraints at home (this may be the window that the devil saw that let him creep in).  Even while getting attacked though, I have been able to keep expressing my faith to my children and to keep teaching them from the bible, which is good.  I've been praying fervently too.  Also a good sign.  Although my faith is being tested, I've been able to keep it.  In other times, I would just give up.

My tears have been flowing, and of course, God has heard me.  On Saturday night, I was watching a sermon from Destiny Christian Church in Arizona.  It was as if she was speaking directly to me in several instances.  This is the second week they are covering "God Speaks".

Wait, let me back track to earlier that day...or maybe it was Friday.  I had posted on Facebook that "I believe in miracles."  I used the status to say "out loud" that I believe God makes big moves and I believe He will.  I was speaking directly to the devil.  "You may be letting me sink in doubt and despair, devil, but I still believe!!!"  So there.

Back to the sermon..."Pray and believe the impossible!"  That's a direct quote from Pastor Melissa Witmer who was giving the message.  God speaks!

At the end of the message, Melissa stuck something in that wasn't completely having to do with the subject.  Although it was relevant in a roundabout way, it was kind of out of left field.  She said she felt like it was put on her heart to share it.  She spoke of a time that she was praying to God and feeling doubtful.  She had a sudden urge to ask for something material to reaffirm her faith.  And lo and behold, within 24 hours it was given to her.  The exact item she asked for.  A fellow pastor handed her an envelope saying God wanted her to give it to her.  And there it was!  Melissa finished by saying, "Remember these tokens that God gives to us to let you know that He is there."

Immediately, in bright bold letters in my brain, I saw "Remember the Keys!!!!!"  I let out a big sigh and thanked God for the reminder.  And now I want to put keys all over the place to remind me of my faith from now on.

You see, a week or so ago, I had grabbed my car keys to go run some errands.  As I walked out the door, I found that a chunk of my keys were gone.  The remote and key to the car I always drive were just not there.  I walked back into the  house and asked my husband if he had taken them off.  After he said no, we looked around on the floor under where my keys are normally hanging and we didn't find anything.  It's as if they just got up and walked away.  My husband said, "Maybe they just got off the ring and fell somewhere."  Really?  How do keys get off of a tight key ring on their own?  My mind went directly to believing that my husband had taken them from me.  That he was trying to take the car away from me and this was the first part of the divorce proceedings that I have been so desperately praying for to stop.  I felt my heart sink to my toes.

My husband handed me his key for the car and I went to run my errands.  While out, I prayed continuously asking God to please please please stop the divorce stuff.  Just as I had finished up my errands and was pulling into the driveway, I realized that I was praying the wrong thing. I sat behind the steering wheel and said, "God, I believe in your miracles and I know you are going to fix my marriage.  Please remove all doubt that I have surrounding my husband and let me walk into the house and see my keys immediately."

I got out of the car and kept saying the last part of that prayer over and over again.  I opened the door and there they were inside an empty bag that was hanging just below where the keys are kept.  It's not as if I purposefully looked into the bag.  My eyes just instinctively looked right in there as I walked in.  "Here I am," God said.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." --Matthew 7:7

Zip Your Lips!

I recently prayed to God asking if I should speak up.  Should I be telling my husband that I am sorry even though I said it over and over again?  Should I ask him if he still wants a divorce?  Should I give him more scriptures or devotionals that I have read that strongly imply that divorce is by all means not what God wants?  Should I stand up for myself and tell him the way he is treating me right now isn't really fair?  Should I tell him that I am hurt and confused and angry and sad and sorry....Should I be saying anything at all?

Over the last 3 days, the following scriptures have popped up in devotionals and books I have been reading, on my Facebook news feed, as the random "Scripture of the Day" on youversion...everywhere.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." --Exodus 14:14

"There is...a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to keep silence and a time to speak." --Ecclesiastes 3:1,7

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." --Proverbs 29:11

"Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God.  For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few."  --Ecclesiastes 5:2

"They, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives."  -1 Peter 3:1-2

There's more....I'm not even kidding here.  These scriptures made their way into what I have been reading.  I did not go look up "Does the bible say to stay silent?" or anything of the sort.  These randomly popped up in every day stuff. Every time I saw a verse about being silent, I marked it with "Zip Your Lips!"  An easy reminder when I flip through my notes that God is telling me to just keep to myself.

I hear ya, Lord!  Loud and clear!  Keep my mouth shut and let YOU do the work.

"There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two." --The Power of a Praying Wife

Strength and Tiny Blessings

Yesterday kind of sucked for me. It was Mother's Day, and I felt like I deserved a nice relaxing day off from everything.  Apparently, I was the only one who thought that as nothing was done around the house including feeding the kids.  I felt really unappreciated.  I felt punished.  I felt as though a few people in my life were being hateful and hurtful on purpose.

Around 5:30pm yesterday, I finally had enough of feeling like poo and went to visit a friend for a quick hug.  I told her that this was so hard.  One thing she said to me resonated in my head the rest of the night:

"Some day, God is going to say to you, 'Look how strong you were!'  And that will get you through the next trial."

I never thought about it like that.  So I thought back on all the times I have said before, "This is so hard. I can't do it."  And I got through and look at those moments in my life saying, "I was so strong." (Or rather, people remind me of them to show my strength as sometimes I'm just blinded to what I have accomplished.)

One day, God's going to use this time to help me get through another.

As if those words weren't encouraging enough, this morning in two separate devotionals by two separate authors and ministries God spoke to me.  Both expressed the importance of finding the little miracles where you are right now on the way to where I am going.  In other words, stop complaining about what is going wrong and focus on the little itty bitty things that make a day worthwhile.

Tiny blessing from yesterday:  I bought a pack of four colored pens (purple, blue, green, and orange).  For some reason that makes me happy.  Now my devotional notes look oh-so-pretty.

After reading those two devotionals (and all the others I read first thing in the morning), the very last one said this:

"Trials come to prove your strength in God!"

Thank you for speaking to me, Lord!

Drooling

I fasted for the first time religiously today. I don't know much about fasting--why we do it, if we are supposed to do it, what the importance of doing it is... But over the last two weeks I have had this feeling that I needed to do it. This feeling compounded with several "coincidental" scriptures and devotionals mentioning fasting in passing made me feel like God was calling me to do it.

Last weekend, I asked someone about it. They said you take something (not always food) away from yourself that is getting in the way of your relationship with God. That makes sense, right? What do you do first thing in the morning, check your Facebook page or read your devotionals? So fast from Facebook. I did that on Tuesday. Not Facebook because honestly it's not getting in the way of my relationship with God lately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it just makes me want to read my Bible. So I chose something that I put a lot of importance into, something that I often dealt with before reading the bible or praying.

It wasn't hard at all. It felt freeing and I did indeed spend more time reading the word. But it wasn't difficult. I asked God if I did it right. I didn't get a clear answer until I then decided that on Wednesday I would fast from food. I felt that if fasting from something else didn't feel right that going the old fashioned, in-the-Bible route would make a difference.

As soon as I made the choice to do that, the temptations flooded in. Wednesday my husband was planning a steak dinner (steak, potatoes, corn on the cob and rolls), so I told myself I would just fast the next day. Why waste a yummy steak dinner on a day that I'm fasting?! The next day I had to take the kids somewhere in the evening and knew that meant fast food (as opposed to fasting from food). Why torture myself with the smells of burgers and fries? Friday my son wanted to go out for lunch, couldn't pass that up. Saturday, my husband wanted to take the whole family out to lunch for Mother's Day. Again, who am I to pass up free food not prepared by myself?!

Each time I gave in to this whole "I'll fast tomorrow" game, I felt guilty. And what makes you feel guilty, folks? The devil! The enemy was tempting me to do something against what I had told God I was going to do. It wasn't so much the not-eating-food thing that was important. It was the I-made-a-promise-to-God-that-I-would-do-it thing! By giving in to the temptations that the devil laid in front of me, it was so easy to say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

By last night, I felt convicted to do what I said to God that I would do. And then God spoke! In a book I am reading about prayer, out of nowhere there is one sentence that says if there is a tough issue you are praying for and you need a breakthrough, fasting will make your prayers more effective. Now there was no mention of fasting before that and none after that. God just came right out and said, "Stop making excuses and fast!"

So I did.

Like I said, it's not about the not-eating thing. It's about not giving in to the temptations the devil lays out in front of you to make you do something that you told God you were going to do for Him. The donut holes (my favorite flavor too!) at church this morning, the half of a burger leftover by one of my kids at lunch this afternoon, the brownies sitting on the counter that I had made the night before, or that piece of chocolate that my daughter gave me to say Happy Mother's Day. That last one was difficult. She felt bad that she wasn't with me all day and that the day had sucked royally. All she wanted was to make me smile. Woo boy, that was a had one to turn down. Well played, devil. But I won.

And do you know how I won? Each and every time I felt tempted to eat something, I prayed. "God, keep me from evil and help me to do this one thing to show You that I am faithful." And He gave me strength. In fact, I really wasn't hungry all day besides those moments when I saw something delectable or thought about how easy it would be to just say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

I'm laying down to go to bed right now and happy to say I have not eaten a single bite (only drank water and tea) in 24 hours. I promised something to God and persevered passed the devil's temptations to deliver that promise. I showed my faith. At a time that I have been feeling weak, I showed that I can do this. My God is strong and so is my faith.

FMF: Comfort

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing. However, I never time myself. Why censor what is from the heart?

COMFORT

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. --2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

I'm actually surprised this is the prompt for today.  Well, not really, since God usually brings these things to me to make sure I make moves.

Yesterday, my sister sent me this link.  Go ahead, go read it.  I promise you won't be disappointed.  You can read this post first and the go read it.  I'm pretty sure you will be intrigued after you hear my words.

For years, I have suffered from chronic depression. I have been taking medications for 17 years (holy cow I feel old).  Even with the medications, life is hard.  I go through bouts of just not feeling right. It's very uncomfortable and confusing.  I have never been able to explain to anyone how this feels.  Not my family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, not even myself.

This unexplainable pain leads to frustration and anger for not being able to express what I am going through.  I wrote the following to my mom and sister after reading the blog linked above:

I read it and cried the whole time. I cannot tell you how much that says exactly how it feels. I have thought so many times that I just want to die so I don't have to do it anymore because it's so hard to try and try and try and get no where. And I'm not even talking about just this crap I am going through. I'm talking about life. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, and with no one understanding it, not even myself, I get so angry and agitated. I am so glad whoever this is wrote this so people can know somewhat of how it feels and how hard it is.

Now, let me move back just slightly.  I would never take my own life.  God has given me this life as a gift and who am I to take control of that.  BUT I will fully admit there have been times where I have felt so helpless that I have begged God to just let me leave this world so I didn't have to feel this way.  Of course, He never answered this prayer.  Why would He?  He has much better things for me...

Back to "comfort"...  What do you do when someone is feeling like this and you just don't get it (trust me, they don't either!!)?  If you've read the blog that I am speaking about (here's the link again), you'll know what I am talking about in this part of my email to my mom and sister:

About the dead fish...when I am so incredibly down and out, mom used to lay down with me in bed and just put her arms around me while I cried. That is the best thing ever for someone to do when they can't see the dead fish. That's kind of why I'm having such a hard time with mom and you so far away right now. All I want is to be held while I cry. No one can give me advice that will help, no one can do anything to make it better. Nothing will help. But that hug is basically the way I know you care without understanding.

I have had a lot of people in my life go through my bouts of depression and none of them knew what to do.  In all honesty, neither did I.  I didn't know what they could do to help me, to fix me.  Like I said above, I would get really angry at them because I felt that even though I was so confused, because they weren't going through it, they should some how know what to do.

I remember when I was 17, I had a therapist that I literally yelled at and told her that she didn't know how to do her job because I was spiraling into an abyss of nothingness.  She should have been able to save me, right?  Out of everyone in my life, she should know what to do!

I'm not writing this to tell you what to do in these situations.  I'm not claiming that I know what will work.  I'm not claiming that anything even works for myself really.  But if you have someone in your life that suffers from depression, please please PLEASE read that blog (<--linked it again, that's how important it is!!!).  Although it is so very very hard to understand (probably impossible), this will give you insight like no other.  And it's easy to read and kind of funny (the corn will make you smile).

Lastly, I'm going to give you a verse.  Although, like I said, nothing really helps, I find comfort in God's words that it will end soon and better things are yet to come.  God will give you that hug when no one else can.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

Battle of Wills

I sat outside my son's bedroom door for 45 minutes last night while he alternated yelling at me and softly apologizing and pleading with me to let him out.

He wasn't very good at an event last evening.  So as a consequence, he was not going to get ice cream like the rest of my children.  Upon getting this news, he decided to yell the words "Ice Cream" for ten minutes as we drove home from the event.

When we arrived home, I calmly said, "Now you have lost your privilege to stay up any longer (it was 730 anyway so bed time was near).  Go to your room."  He planted his feet into the ground and refused to move and said once again, "ICE CREAM!"  Without a word, I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom.  He grabbed anything we passed trying to stay put or throwing objects at me.  I placed him in his room and said, "You have not respected me this evening and therefore you will pay the consequence."  Then I closed the door.

Almost immediately, he opened it and said, "Haha! I can get out! I'm not staying in here!"  This was going to be a battle of wills, I could tell!  I gently pushed him back from the door and closed it again.  No words, just action.  This time I held the knob so he couldn't open it again.

He screamed at me about how I was an awful mom.  He kicked and punched the door, threw some toys at it too.  Then laid down on the floor and spoke to me from under the door. "Mommy, I want a hug and a kiss."  Trying to pull on my heartstrings, I see.

"You may come out and give me a hug and a kiss but then you will go back in and pay your consequence."

"But I am apologizing!  Please forgive me!"

"I forgive you, son, but you will still have to pay the consequence for your actions."

More screaming at me and hitting the door, more pleading for me to give in.

When he finally calmed down and it was evident he would stay in his room with out me sitting by the door, I opened it and said, "Son, God tells us in the Bible to respect our mothers.  You have had a hard time with that tonight and a lot lately.  You need to know that I will not tolerate that.  We all make mistakes, and luckily, God forgives us when we ask for forgiveness.  And God has also told us to forgive others as he has forgiven us, so I forgive you too.  But we still have to pay our consequences so we learn from our actions."

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

I'm proud of myself.  It took 45 minutes but he finally realized I wasn't going to just let him go.  And even more over, I didn't raise my voice or do anything that was mean/harmful.  I just stood my ground.  I prayed through the whole happening.  "God, give me strength to stand firm."

After the whole ordeal, I was completely exhausted. I got the other three kids up in their beds and then sat down at the computer to write about it and just started bawling.  I prayed some more, "God, give me a sign that I did the right thing."

And on Facebook, a few posts down on my newsfeed, was this:

"It may be hard, but the greater the difficulty, the greater the reward. When you sow a radical seed of obedience, you will reap a radical reward." --Joel Osteen Ministries

I let out a sigh of relief, and through my tears, thanked God for telling me what I needed to hear at that moment.

You will always look lovely!

Funny...I just wrote about this today...and then this showed up in my Facebook feed...

Thankful

Yesterday a friend of mine posted on Facebook about how Mondays ruin her weekends.  I heard on Family Life Radio a couple of weeks ago how they share blessings on Mondays to show that there is no reason to hate them so much.  So I commented on her status with something along those lines.  As a Christian woman, I kind of expected her to be all, "That's a good idea..." then share some blessings.  Not so much.  Too bad, her loss for not wanting to look on the bright side.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. --Philippians 4:8

God flat out says it in Philippians 4:8--positivity NOT negativity!  He doesn't say, "Think about the crappiest thing that's happening right now and then ruminate on how it is going to ruin your day.  Actually, it will probably ruin your week so go ahead and look all grumpy and spew negativity towards everyone you meet so their week sucks too."

Then He goes on to say:

...And the God of peace will be with you. --Philippians 4:9

So if I remember what is good, you will give me peace?  Thank you, Lord!

The other day I was feeling really down, so I posted on Facebook asking friends to share something that happened that day that was a blessing.  Many people participated with such experiences as simple as taking a shower without the kids barging in to getting kissed on the nose by their kiddo waking them up in the morning.  It was one of those posts that you knew everyone reading it was smiling.  And that warmed my heart.

I didn't dwell on the stuff that was happening that was hurting me so much.  Granted, as human as I am, that did come rushing back to me yesterday and I had a mini breakdown.  But in that moment, I learned to smile just by being positive.  If I can remember to look for the good in anything, then those smiles will come more frequently...and I will be at peace.

So what am I grateful for today:

• It is absolutely beautiful outside today!  I sat outside for a half hour this morning just listening to the birds sing.
• I got a hug this morning from someone I wasn't really expecting it from.  She knew I needed it though.  That meant a lot.
• I ate cake for breakfast. (*guilty grin*)
• My dog slept with me all night instead.  And not just at the foot of the bed, she was right against my body.  Something about that is just so loving.
• I finished a devotional series last night that I really liked.  Actually, I read 5 days of the series last night because I felt I needed to get fed.  Plus, it was good stuff I needed to hear yesterday.

The day is not nearly over yet (it's not even noon yet).  There will be so much more to be thankful for by the end of the day!

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.--1 Thessalonians 5:18

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last night, I was tucking my kids into bed.  As always they were each calling me back to their room for more attention, so I went between the three rooms with various conversations, stopping to pick books up in the hallway, found a pair of discarded jammie bottoms, and then closed each door.  As I did that, I noticed my daughter had put a new sign up on her door.  It simply reads: "Revelations 3:20"

Since I don't have the bible memorized I had to look it up:

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."

She made me smile.

The last month and a half have been some of the hardest times of my life.  And through it all I am working so hard to walk back to God.  In doing so, I'm reading the bible constantly, praying about everything, and doing what God wants me to do in all things.  I've asked God to guide me and use me.

My kids have seen what I am doing.  Last week, my daughter found a kids' devotional book that I had bought for her at a yard sale two years ago.  Knowing how I read several devotionals a day, she asked if we could read it together each night.  The first night only she and her oldest brother joined.  The next night all four of them wanted to listen and to hear me pray.

She's begun falling asleep with the bible in her hands as she is fervently trying to read and understand God's word.  She's not understanding it yet, but that's not what matters.  What matters is the willingness to want to be God's child and to do what God is telling us to do.

I couldn't be prouder each night when I check on each of the kids when I go to bed.  They are all snuggled up in their beds snoozing away.  And there she is sleeping peacefully with the bible in her hands.  Through all of this hurting I am going through right now, God is using me to work on these precious children of mine.  Thank you, God!

Feed Me

Each morning, I get three devotionals delivered to my email inbox, I read six on my youversion app, and I have three more in my newsfeed on Facebook....I just finished the book "The Prayer of Jabez" and am reading "The Love Dare."

I'm addicted to the Word.

It's a good addiction, but I feel like I can't get enough. When I start feeling idle, I feel like I should read more. Or find a sermon to watch online. I feel like if I'm idle, I'm open to attacks by the devil. My mind wanders, I become self conscious, I start to get anxious and think of things that might be happening... It's scary.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just listen to my heart instead. My heart holds the love and that's all I want.

...and so I pray...

I not only read he word constantly, I pray all the time too. I'm constantly talking to God.

"Lord, calm my brain. Help me not to worry. Give me peace and comfort. Lord, guide me in your plan, use me to reach others. Make my words meaningful. Take away my jealousy and contempt. Fill me with love, Lord...."

I wonder if a time will come when I don't feel the constant need to redirect my attention to God. Will there be a time when I'm not so anxious anymore?

...and so I pray...

"Dear Lord, I know you will bring me to through this in your time. Please give me the patience and strength to persevere and make it there. And in the meantime, keep me shielded from the actions of the devil against me."

Amen.

Pray for the Enemy

There are 31,103 verses in the Bible.  I looked it up.  I wanted to know what the chances were that the same verses would show up in the several church sermons and devotionals I listen to and read daily.  1 verse in 31,103....wow...

So what was brought up to me several times between yesterday and today?  1) Shame; and 2) prayer for your enemy.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. --2 Timothy 2:15

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. --Psalm 25:1-3

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. --Psalm 31:1

I've been feeling not-good-enough for God lately.  And I've also been feeling like those reading my Facebook posts and/or hearing me speak of the word, devotionals, prayer, etc. are secretly laughing behind my back.  I wrote about the bravery of Paul when he was mocked and persecuted for his new found belief in the Lord the other day.  I assume as a human he felt the shame and guilt about his past too.  I'm sure the devil sat deep within him and threw these feelings up into his heart whenever he was about to speak of the glory of Jesus.  Just like me...

Yesterday, I was feeling rather hurt and angry about someone who I feel doesn't like me right now intentionally being hateful and hurtful.  Of course, I don't know that as truth but I was feeling it.  Actually, there are many people I'm feeling are doing that right now.  Then I start thinking about what they must be thinking about me in my walk back to God.  "Who does she think she is sharing Bible verses on Facebook?  Shame on her.  She's so two-faced."  I don't know if they are really saying this or thinking it, but that brings up so much shame in me.

Last night, I was having hateful thoughts towards these people.  But each time, I caught myself and said, "No, you need to pray for these thoughts to be taken right out of you as they do not portray what is in your heart."

Then this morning, one devotional spoke of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem and how Sanballat and Tobiah ridiculed him and the Jews for the work they were doing. Nehemiah took what they were saying and did this:

Hear us, our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders. --Nehemiah 4:4-5

He prayed for the persecutors.  He asked God to show them what they are doing.  He didn't yell obscenities back at them. Nope, he said, "God, I will only make things worse if I speak right now, can you please handle this?"

And then this morning in church, the lesson was about this:

[Jesus Said] "You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." --Matthew 5:38-42

And he goes on to say:

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." --Matthew 5:44

What?  So, Jesus, you are telling me that when someone hurts me, when any of those people make me feel shameful, I should walk away and then get on my knees and pray that you will bless them?

Clearly, God was working on me.  He not only gave these verses to me once, but he made sure I heard them over and over today.  He wanted to make sure that I got it and that I would do it.

I'm telling you, if you don't think God speaks, you are crazy.  There are 31,103 verses in the Bible, and through three devotionals and a church sermon, all of which have no correlation with each other what-so-ever, the same themes were preached upon in the last 24 hours.  He's speaking to me.

FMF: Brave

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

BRAVE

I've been likening myself to Saul/Paul lately.  If you don't know the story, Saul was one of the leaders against all those who followed Christ.  He was a murderous and hateful individual.  One day as Saul was traveling to Damascus where he is going to seek permission to arrest any Christians and take them back to Jerusalem to stand trial, the lord literally opens up the sky and speaks to him:

He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” --Acts 9:4

Saul had such a great responsibility in the construction of Christianity all over the world that the lord asked him personally "What the heck are you doing?"  God then makes him blind and tells him he must go see Ananias in order to see again.  Saul is obedient and sure enough scales fall from his eyes and he could see again.

Saul was converted to Paul and became one of the foremost leaders of the Christian church preaching to everyone about Jesus Christ.  The thing is, no one believed him.  Here we have an awful human being saying he was now following Christ.  He was persecuted for his beliefs and his life was even threatened.  He eventually ended up in jail because of his undying faithfulness to the lord.

Now I personally am not a murderer by any means...and I'm not saying I'm a saint either.  My point is that God took a horrible beast and made him one of his own.  God loves everyone and anyone can be changed in God's love.  Even me.

Paul preached to those who didn't believe him.  That's pretty brave of him.  He stood up against all odds to show his love and commitment to Christ, and he never backed down.

I know right now a lot of people are looking at me saying I am "just acting."  They don't believe that I am a changed person.  They don't believe that my life is now dedicated to my love of Christ and my obedience to God.  As an earthly being, this is difficult to face.  As a spiritual daughter, God gives me the bravery I need to continue on because I ask for it.

Paul preached the gospel to many nations and is seen as one of the most important people in the bible and all because he just wouldn't stand down to the people who did not believe he had changed.

Do not be anxious about anything...

My stomach did one of those flip flop things today.  Where you feel like the weight of the world is on you and some impending doom is coming your way.  You know what I'm talking you, the kind of moment where you immediately have to poop.(Admit it, you know what I'm talking about.)

The last several times I have had this feeling in the last two months, something bad did happen.  Am I psychic?  Or was I just feeling the devil laughing as he caught me in a weak moment and knew he had gotten to me...

Whatever it is, I hate that feeling.  Of course, I usually end up teary eyed and expect the hammer to drop at anytime (after I poop, that is).  This will take all the enjoyment out of any day.  Even if something bad doesn't happen, I sit there waiting for it and feeling like crap all day (no pun intended).

Today, when it hit me, first I pooped, but then I went to Google.  "What does the Bible say about anxiety?"  As trusty as ever, Google gave me a plethora of examples where God says in the Bible that worrying about something is not necessary for it's in His hands.  

When I find a scripture that fits my moment, I will usually read it out loud to myself, then more times than not, I will share it on Facebook.  I feel like if I needed it at that moment, someone else probably needs to hear it too.  I shared this one:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

I was right.  At least one person did need to hear it because she thanked me for posting it.

My tummy trouble went away quickly after I posted the scripture.  I also dove into the word a little deeper and read another devotional (the 7th one I read today), and then I went online to find a church sermon I could watch.  I've said it before and I know I will say it again, but as soon as I let time be idle the devil gets into my head and makes for a very unpleasant feeling.  So it was essential that while I was waiting until I had an appointment this afternoon, I needed to occupy that time with God.

My appointment was with a Pastor from our church.  Our head pastor I can't talk to right now.  He said it himself, "I'm too close to the situation to be able to counsel you."  So I went to his dad instead.  I love the depth of his knowledge of the Bible and his wife is one of the best prayer warriors I have ever met.  They welcomed me into their home to let me talk and to give me spiritual guidance during this difficult time.  Thank you, God, for giving them to me!

Then as I was leaving their home, I turned on my car and on the radio I heard, "Philippians 4:6-7.  Do not be anxious about anything...."  God really wanted me to get that point today.

FMF: Friend

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

FRIEND

The other day I had made an appointment with one of my friends to get a haircut.  I haven't talked to her with more than just a couple words since the fall so she had no idea what I have been going through lately.  

As many do when they first see you, she said, "How have you been?"  What a loaded question....

Well...this has happened and then that, oh and then the doctor said this, and I have to go do this...  She was absolutely stunned at all the trials and tribulations I have right now.  "When it rains, it pours..."  And for me it monsoons and wipes you out to sea where sharks circle around you and pelicans poop on your head.

I got teary a little bit in explaining what is going on.  I felt heavy and depressed.  When you put it all out there, each and every little thing that is plaguing you at the moment, it looks pretty huge and getting passed it looks impossible.  

"Geez, girl!"  That's what she said.  Really that's the only response you can make after hearing about someone's woes when life is falling apart around them.

But then she finished with my haircut, blow dried my hair (while I almost fell asleep because it felt so good), then I stood up to pay her.  "No," she said.  "You needed this."  I cried.  She hugged me tight and said she loved me and just wanted to see me smile.  

At that moment, it was exactly what I needed.  God took a moment where I was feeling completely overwhelmed and like nothing was possible and gave me a little ray of sunshine.  It wasn't that I didn't have to pay for my haircut.  It was that a friend cared about me enough to want to see me smile.  She wanted to make my day a little brighter because she knew these moments were few and far between right now.  It meant so much to me. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" -- 1 Thessalonians 5:11