FMF: Comfort

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing. However, I never time myself. Why censor what is from the heart?

COMFORT

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. --2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

I'm actually surprised this is the prompt for today.  Well, not really, since God usually brings these things to me to make sure I make moves.

Yesterday, my sister sent me this link.  Go ahead, go read it.  I promise you won't be disappointed.  You can read this post first and the go read it.  I'm pretty sure you will be intrigued after you hear my words.

For years, I have suffered from chronic depression. I have been taking medications for 17 years (holy cow I feel old).  Even with the medications, life is hard.  I go through bouts of just not feeling right. It's very uncomfortable and confusing.  I have never been able to explain to anyone how this feels.  Not my family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, not even myself.

This unexplainable pain leads to frustration and anger for not being able to express what I am going through.  I wrote the following to my mom and sister after reading the blog linked above:

I read it and cried the whole time. I cannot tell you how much that says exactly how it feels. I have thought so many times that I just want to die so I don't have to do it anymore because it's so hard to try and try and try and get no where. And I'm not even talking about just this crap I am going through. I'm talking about life. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, and with no one understanding it, not even myself, I get so angry and agitated. I am so glad whoever this is wrote this so people can know somewhat of how it feels and how hard it is.

Now, let me move back just slightly.  I would never take my own life.  God has given me this life as a gift and who am I to take control of that.  BUT I will fully admit there have been times where I have felt so helpless that I have begged God to just let me leave this world so I didn't have to feel this way.  Of course, He never answered this prayer.  Why would He?  He has much better things for me...

Back to "comfort"...  What do you do when someone is feeling like this and you just don't get it (trust me, they don't either!!)?  If you've read the blog that I am speaking about (here's the link again), you'll know what I am talking about in this part of my email to my mom and sister:

About the dead fish...when I am so incredibly down and out, mom used to lay down with me in bed and just put her arms around me while I cried. That is the best thing ever for someone to do when they can't see the dead fish. That's kind of why I'm having such a hard time with mom and you so far away right now. All I want is to be held while I cry. No one can give me advice that will help, no one can do anything to make it better. Nothing will help. But that hug is basically the way I know you care without understanding.

I have had a lot of people in my life go through my bouts of depression and none of them knew what to do.  In all honesty, neither did I.  I didn't know what they could do to help me, to fix me.  Like I said above, I would get really angry at them because I felt that even though I was so confused, because they weren't going through it, they should some how know what to do.

I remember when I was 17, I had a therapist that I literally yelled at and told her that she didn't know how to do her job because I was spiraling into an abyss of nothingness.  She should have been able to save me, right?  Out of everyone in my life, she should know what to do!

I'm not writing this to tell you what to do in these situations.  I'm not claiming that I know what will work.  I'm not claiming that anything even works for myself really.  But if you have someone in your life that suffers from depression, please please PLEASE read that blog (<--linked it again, that's how important it is!!!).  Although it is so very very hard to understand (probably impossible), this will give you insight like no other.  And it's easy to read and kind of funny (the corn will make you smile).

Lastly, I'm going to give you a verse.  Although, like I said, nothing really helps, I find comfort in God's words that it will end soon and better things are yet to come.  God will give you that hug when no one else can.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

FMF: Friend

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

FRIEND

The other day I had made an appointment with one of my friends to get a haircut.  I haven't talked to her with more than just a couple words since the fall so she had no idea what I have been going through lately.  

As many do when they first see you, she said, "How have you been?"  What a loaded question....

Well...this has happened and then that, oh and then the doctor said this, and I have to go do this...  She was absolutely stunned at all the trials and tribulations I have right now.  "When it rains, it pours..."  And for me it monsoons and wipes you out to sea where sharks circle around you and pelicans poop on your head.

I got teary a little bit in explaining what is going on.  I felt heavy and depressed.  When you put it all out there, each and every little thing that is plaguing you at the moment, it looks pretty huge and getting passed it looks impossible.  

"Geez, girl!"  That's what she said.  Really that's the only response you can make after hearing about someone's woes when life is falling apart around them.

But then she finished with my haircut, blow dried my hair (while I almost fell asleep because it felt so good), then I stood up to pay her.  "No," she said.  "You needed this."  I cried.  She hugged me tight and said she loved me and just wanted to see me smile.  

At that moment, it was exactly what I needed.  God took a moment where I was feeling completely overwhelmed and like nothing was possible and gave me a little ray of sunshine.  It wasn't that I didn't have to pay for my haircut.  It was that a friend cared about me enough to want to see me smile.  She wanted to make my day a little brighter because she knew these moments were few and far between right now.  It meant so much to me. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" -- 1 Thessalonians 5:11

FMF: Jump

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

JUMP

"Trust God."  My friend said this to me yesterday when I was saying I felt so weak and like my praying wasn't working.  Then God gave me two songs to remind me of this.  Trust.  Let Him do His work.

Not that I can just sit back and it will all work out.  I have to trust God openly and faithfully, do what He is calling me to do, pray, forgive, repent, love....above all, LOVE.

God gave me a promise:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

...I have to take a running leap off of the cliff and trust that God is going to catch me and not let me fall.  Because He says He will.

And so I pray.  I pray that God makes me a better person, that He shows me where to go and what to do.  That He helps me through this tough time in my life and that He gives me strength to keep my hope and faith alive.  I take that leap and shout out to the Lord, "I am yours.  I trust you."

He won't let me down.

FMF: Here

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

I'm almost a week late, but here's "HERE".

As soon as I saw the prompt for this week, I thought of this scripture.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34

In times like these, when the world crashes down around you, it's so easy to become anxious about what it to come.  What do I do next?  What's going to happen now?  Will I even be able to do this?

The worry becomes completely consuming, and you forget where you are.  How can you survive "now" if you are so consumed with the future?  And how can you ever find enjoyment even those fleeting moments if you aren't in the "now"?

When I become shrouded with sorrow, anxiety, resentment, weakness...I pray.  God has this in his hands.  It's time for me to be here in the now.  Not worrying about the past or wondering about the future.  I have faith that God will help me with that.

So I am here.  Right now.  Listening to my son read a book out loud and hearing the rain pitter patter against my window.  Dishes, court proceedings, paperwork...it can wait until it's time for that.  Right now, I am here.