"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Feed Me

Each morning, I get three devotionals delivered to my email inbox, I read six on my youversion app, and I have three more in my newsfeed on Facebook....I just finished the book "The Prayer of Jabez" and am reading "The Love Dare."

I'm addicted to the Word.

It's a good addiction, but I feel like I can't get enough. When I start feeling idle, I feel like I should read more. Or find a sermon to watch online. I feel like if I'm idle, I'm open to attacks by the devil. My mind wanders, I become self conscious, I start to get anxious and think of things that might be happening... It's scary.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just listen to my heart instead. My heart holds the love and that's all I want.

...and so I pray...

I not only read he word constantly, I pray all the time too. I'm constantly talking to God.

"Lord, calm my brain. Help me not to worry. Give me peace and comfort. Lord, guide me in your plan, use me to reach others. Make my words meaningful. Take away my jealousy and contempt. Fill me with love, Lord...."

I wonder if a time will come when I don't feel the constant need to redirect my attention to God. Will there be a time when I'm not so anxious anymore?

...and so I pray...

"Dear Lord, I know you will bring me to through this in your time. Please give me the patience and strength to persevere and make it there. And in the meantime, keep me shielded from the actions of the devil against me."

Amen.

Do not be anxious about anything...

My stomach did one of those flip flop things today.  Where you feel like the weight of the world is on you and some impending doom is coming your way.  You know what I'm talking you, the kind of moment where you immediately have to poop.(Admit it, you know what I'm talking about.)

The last several times I have had this feeling in the last two months, something bad did happen.  Am I psychic?  Or was I just feeling the devil laughing as he caught me in a weak moment and knew he had gotten to me...

Whatever it is, I hate that feeling.  Of course, I usually end up teary eyed and expect the hammer to drop at anytime (after I poop, that is).  This will take all the enjoyment out of any day.  Even if something bad doesn't happen, I sit there waiting for it and feeling like crap all day (no pun intended).

Today, when it hit me, first I pooped, but then I went to Google.  "What does the Bible say about anxiety?"  As trusty as ever, Google gave me a plethora of examples where God says in the Bible that worrying about something is not necessary for it's in His hands.  

When I find a scripture that fits my moment, I will usually read it out loud to myself, then more times than not, I will share it on Facebook.  I feel like if I needed it at that moment, someone else probably needs to hear it too.  I shared this one:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

I was right.  At least one person did need to hear it because she thanked me for posting it.

My tummy trouble went away quickly after I posted the scripture.  I also dove into the word a little deeper and read another devotional (the 7th one I read today), and then I went online to find a church sermon I could watch.  I've said it before and I know I will say it again, but as soon as I let time be idle the devil gets into my head and makes for a very unpleasant feeling.  So it was essential that while I was waiting until I had an appointment this afternoon, I needed to occupy that time with God.

My appointment was with a Pastor from our church.  Our head pastor I can't talk to right now.  He said it himself, "I'm too close to the situation to be able to counsel you."  So I went to his dad instead.  I love the depth of his knowledge of the Bible and his wife is one of the best prayer warriors I have ever met.  They welcomed me into their home to let me talk and to give me spiritual guidance during this difficult time.  Thank you, God, for giving them to me!

Then as I was leaving their home, I turned on my car and on the radio I heard, "Philippians 4:6-7.  Do not be anxious about anything...."  God really wanted me to get that point today.