Broken

I am finding life to be harder and harder lately.  I am completely exhausted with everything going on and then tackling every day life on top of that.  I spent most of yesterday crying and begging God to stop doing this to me.  How long do I have to suffer to prove that I am returning to Him and will never leave again?

I feel so weak.
I feel so empty.
I feel so hurt and alone.

Pray for stength.
Pray for love.
Pray for healing and comfort.

Pray for Peace.

I am broken.  I am at the lowest I have ever been and all I am doing is looking straight up at God.  God, what do you want me to do now?  Where do I go now?

I'm in physical pain because of how much my heart hurts right now.  I so want to give up.  I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and not wake up.  I don't want to do this anymore because it's too hard.

Last night, I was so incredibly exhausted, my body ached terribly, tears streamed down my face constantly.  I collapsed in my bed and wanted to give up.  But I needed to fuel my faith so I googled "scriptures for when you are weak".  I found this one, third from the top:

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken." --Psalm 34:17-20

I have repeated this to myself for 24 hours straight now to reaffirm my faith.

I called a Christian Counseling Service today to make an appointment.  I feel like my therapist isn't understanding that God is what I need right now.  "I can't sleep," I said.  She said, "Try drinking warm milk." Um, are you kidding me?  She doesn't get it.  And since my church has foresaken me (or so I feel at least), I can't turn to my pastor or my usual prayer warriors.  I need someone who will stand by me in my faith and give me some guidance driven by God.  I need someone to quote scriptures to me when I am feeling weak and alone.  I need someone who will say a prayer with me.  I need someone who understands that because I trust God, I am letting Him handle this.

I have two friend who are being very, very helpful in that right now.  One of them lives close to me and she met me earlier today so I could cry and get a hug and she gave me Godly advice and prayer.  Another was in my same exact predicament a year ago and through her faith she got through it.  I can't thank God enough for giving them to me right now.

Let Go

This was the subject of my prayers last night before bed.  And then I wake up to it on FB this morning.  I love when God speaks directly to me.

Arm Yourself

I love it when I read a scripture at random just before bed, then one of my devotionals uses the same scripture the next morning or someone posts it on Facebook or it's in the Sunday sermon.  It's God blatantly telling me, "This is important for you to know.  Listen to me."

"Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 

"Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
--Ephesians 6:11-17 (NLT)

"Stand firm against all strategies of the devil." (NLT)
"Stand up to everything the Devil throws your way." (MSG)

With God's armor, I can battle whatever comes my way.  Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation.

From the dictionary:
Truth:  the actual state or conditions; reality or fact
Righteousness:  uprightness or morality
Peace: tranquility; freedom from strife or dissension
Faith: confidence or trust; belief not based on proof
Salvation:  the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

I can do this.  God reminded me.

Power of Prayer

A few years ago, I was at our local grocery store in the teeny tiny town that we live in.  As I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car, I was approached by 4 individuals that asked if they could pray for me.  I interrupted them and told them I was a believer and already went to church.  I told them I didn't need saving and they should find someone else to pray for.  They told me that earlier that morning they had a prayer meeting asking God to show them who to pray for.  During this prayer, one of the young ladies wrote down four things that God put on her heart--groceries, pink shirt and brown sandals, and marriage.  That was me.

Now granted, they could have just saw me at the grocery store in my pink shirt and brown sandals and then made this up. But the main thing that made me catch my breath was "marriage".  How did they know I needed prayer for my marriage?

At the time, I let them pray over me.  And I cried.  In that moment, it touched me and I knew God was speaking to me.  But I didn't listen.  Although I knew this was a moment God was using to give me what I needed, although I was convicted and felt in my heart the right thing was to turn to God and fix what was broken, I didn't do anything about it.

I went to a friend's church today.  I have felt like I don't fit at my church anymore since this recent development in my life.  I don't want to go in detail about why, but it just doesn't feel right, not right now.  I am sure I will go back eventually, but at this time, I believe that God is telling me I need a different place that will make me feel God completely.

The message was good.  I needed to hear it.  It reaffirmed my walk right now.  I can do this, because I have God.

"Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You." --Psalm 27:3

But I still felt incomplete upon leaving the church.  I was driving home, and right as I got to my house, instead of pulling into my driveway, I remembered those prayer warriors that found me in that parking lot that day.  So I went to that church.  Their service had ended, everyone had left.  The only people that were still there were three of the four that prayed for me that day.  I told them about it and all of them remembered.  Immediately they hugged me and asked to pray for me again.  I sat and they talked to me and prayed for me for 20 minutes.  Before I left, they gave me their personal cell phone numbers and their email addresses and said not to ever hesitate to contact them at any moment that I felt weak.

Thank you, God!  I needed them right now!  I feel loved by a lot of people, don't get me wrong, but I needed a body of believers that were so unbiased about what is going on in my life and were so connected with God that they were drawn to me knowing this was going to happen even years before it did.  They've been praying for me ever since.  Never knew my name, never knew my life, just knew I needed it.  And here I am.

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." --Matthew 18:19

Positivity

I've already quoted this scripture and written on it in the last couple of weeks, but I had a morning full of resentment and decided I needed to remind myself.

"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." --Philippians 4:8-9 (The Message)

Today I looked up another version of the scripture.  The Message tends to put things in the most easily understood way.  I find that if I read several versions of one scripture, I "get it" better.

Without focusing on the negative too much, this morning, someone could have done something for me very easily instead of making me do it.  But it was not done, and I felt pretty annoyed.  I wanted to say something to this person.  I wanted to nag them for sitting around and not helping me out.  But I bit my tongue.  Nagging won't help.

I prayed to God asking for words to use to ask for help effectively.  I kid you not, in mid sentence of this prayer, God gave me this scripture.  It popped right into my head: "Things to praise, not things to curse."  I made a mental list of the things that this person did do this morning that were honorable.

I'm not going to lie and say that this cleared my heart of bitterness.  I wish it did. But it cleared my mind and reminded me that there isn't all bad in this person.

It was also put on my heart to email them and apologize for being cold due to the resentment.  I didn't talk much this morning because I felt so negative.  I didn't want to let the animosity leave my head via my mouth.  But in doing that, I also became terse and standoffish.  I wasn't very pleasant this morning although I wasn't nearly as bad as I used to get.

I'm a work in progress....

The Bible is my New Best Friend

I read devotions and bible scriptures all day long. When I feel my brain start to take over my heart, I google a new devotion. Sometimes I read at random, sometimes it's something specific that I am struggling with. Always, it's what I need at the moment to get through my next moment.

I was just doing dishes and my mind wandered from some craptacular advice someone gave to someone else that is affecting me greatly. As I prayed for the second someone to find more Godly advice, my mind made a turn to parenting. How do we teach our children to be righteous? How do we guide them to make the right choices in their lives? It's simple:

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” -Romans 15:4

Plain and simple, READ THE BIBLE.

Have you ever heard, "Children don't come with an instruction manual?" That's only partly true. God gave us a place to turn to when we don't know what to say or do. Give advice straight from scripture and with love. Are you angry or hurt? Hold your tongue and pray about what you are going to say to someone about their situation. Consult the Bible. What would God want you to say right now? It would be tragic to give your child, your friend, your lover, etc, advice that will only hurt them further if it does not align with God's words!

Doubt is not an Option

Over the last ten years, I've had so many things happen in my life that caused me to question where God was.  I felt like with each new thing that I was forced to suffer through that God was less and less real to me.

At first, I was angry.  Why are you doing this to me, God?  I'm a good person.  I got through the last trial you gave me and I still believe, so why are you giving me another?

Then I started to doubt.  God would never keep doing this to one person, would He?  Are we wasting our time praying to something that doesn't exist?  Where is God in this and why isn't He helping me?

I started skipping church because I just didn't feel like going, and when I did go, I would play games on my phone the whole time because I didn't like listening to the message.  Again, I felt it was a waste of time.  He wasn't real.  Why did I get up when I could be still in bed all snuggly warm snoozing away?

There were times here and there where I had overwhelming feelings that my doubt was wrong, but I decided not to listen to God talking directly to me and let the doubt consume me instead.  I didn't believe anymore.  I didn't trust that God had a plan for me.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" -- Hebrews 11:1

Apparently, God was using my strength to get through all these things to show others that they can get through their trials and tribulations too.  I never knew that.

Someone recently called me "the strongest person they ever knew".  I laughed inwardly because they didn't know how weak I was.  Then another person said it within 24 hours of the first.  What was I not seeing that these people were?  God wanted to show me that I am strong and I can do this.  I can have faith and not succumb to what is overcoming me right now.  I can stand and not be knocked over.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."--2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Imagine how much stronger I am now that I have faith on my side.

FMF: Jump

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

JUMP

"Trust God."  My friend said this to me yesterday when I was saying I felt so weak and like my praying wasn't working.  Then God gave me two songs to remind me of this.  Trust.  Let Him do His work.

Not that I can just sit back and it will all work out.  I have to trust God openly and faithfully, do what He is calling me to do, pray, forgive, repent, love....above all, LOVE.

God gave me a promise:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

...I have to take a running leap off of the cliff and trust that God is going to catch me and not let me fall.  Because He says He will.

And so I pray.  I pray that God makes me a better person, that He shows me where to go and what to do.  That He helps me through this tough time in my life and that He gives me strength to keep my hope and faith alive.  I take that leap and shout out to the Lord, "I am yours.  I trust you."

He won't let me down.

Trust the Unseen

Today was really hard.  I guess you could probably tell that since I am blogging for the third time today.  I spent most of the day sobbing.  I feel weak.  I feel like I'm not doing enough. Am I doing what's right?  I feel like this storm will never end.  Where's my rainbow?

I talked to a friend today and she always says the perfect things to me.  She knows where I am right now in life and in my walk back to God.  I don't think I could do this without her.

I got through the rest of the day on her words even though I was tearful.  I made the kids dinner, I helped with homework, I bathed them, got them ready for bed, cried with them for a while because we are all so sad right now.  I put them all to bed, and I started on housework.

I've been plagued with negative thoughts and feelings today.  Lots of pain and resentment.  I felt like my brain was trying to overpower my heart.  My heart which is set on God fighting my brain which is reminding me of the crap I am dealing with right now.

I turned on Pandora to drown out the thoughts, and for the first time in a long long time, I put on Christian music.  I felt like my head needed to hear what my heart was hearing.

God knew I needed to hear Him today.  First, He played Never Alone by Barlow Girl.  I cried through the whole song because it's exactly what I was feeling when I called my friend. I felt like I was alone and God wasn't hearing me or wanting to help me.  She said, "Trust in God."  Trust the unseen....



After that a few more songs played while I cried into the dirty dish water.  Then this one I had never heard came on.  I have now listened to it several times and know most of the words because I feel God wanted me to be able to sing this when I feel like I'm weak and want to stop following Him.




I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it again, I pray constantly.  Sometimes, God knows exactly when you need to hear Him.

FMF: Here

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

I'm almost a week late, but here's "HERE".

As soon as I saw the prompt for this week, I thought of this scripture.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34

In times like these, when the world crashes down around you, it's so easy to become anxious about what it to come.  What do I do next?  What's going to happen now?  Will I even be able to do this?

The worry becomes completely consuming, and you forget where you are.  How can you survive "now" if you are so consumed with the future?  And how can you ever find enjoyment even those fleeting moments if you aren't in the "now"?

When I become shrouded with sorrow, anxiety, resentment, weakness...I pray.  God has this in his hands.  It's time for me to be here in the now.  Not worrying about the past or wondering about the future.  I have faith that God will help me with that.

So I am here.  Right now.  Listening to my son read a book out loud and hearing the rain pitter patter against my window.  Dishes, court proceedings, paperwork...it can wait until it's time for that.  Right now, I am here.

The Angry-Go-Round

One of my constant prayers lately has been for peace.  I'm so angry and resentful, and I know that has only caused what is going on in my life both from my end and others'.  An angry-go-round.  I'm mad at you, you're mad at me, let's treat each other like dirt to punish one another, which brings more anger.  Is anything going to be resolved?  Not when you hate each other.

Last week or so, one of my sons was very angry at the other one for some trivial act (like maybe he touched him or something, heaven forbid!).  So he hauled off and punched him.  Not an uncommon occurrence in our house although we have tried and tried again to explain why this is just not right.  This time, instead of yelling at him I quoted scripture:

"Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone." ~ Romans 12: 17-18

Then I said to my son, "Do you think Jesus would have punched his brother since his dad said this in the bible?"  Hmm...that struck a chord.  Then I asked, "How did your punching your brother help in this situation?"  He thought a while and said it didn't.  I said, "It made him more angry, didn't it?  And did it take away your anger."  "No", He said.  So I prayed with him.  And wouldn't you know it, he wasn't angry anymore.

I have a huge issue with anger.  I get angry easily and then I really take it out on people. I hold on to it too.  Like "I'm angry today, so it's going to ruin the rest of my rackin' frackin' week!"  And through this anger, my mouth becomes a weapon that I cannot control and has been known to ruin relationships and situations.  In fact, as I said above, it has put me where I am right now.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." ~James 1:19-21

Hold your tongue.  Pray for peace from God.  Ask Him to take away the resentment and to give you the words He wants you to say.  Don't speak from a hateful heart.  Is it going to make you less angry to hurt someone else?

Believe the Best

Last week a friend of mine gave me a scripture that happened to be the same scripture that had come to me the night before when I was having a hard time not succumbing to the negative circumstances of my life.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Phillipians 4:8

Again, (I know I say this a lot but) God speaks.  He knew I needed this scripture and He knew I needed to work on this right now.  I need to not dwell on what is pulling me down--people talking behind my back, my own disapproval of my past actions, anger towards others' actions, what the future holds for me now--and dwell on what is real and right--I'm human and can change, God said so!  God is with me even when I feel like no one else is on my side.  God knows what is best for me and He will give that to me for my future.

You can walk down a road and look straight forward, or you can let your eyes wander off to the side.  Which way do you think your feet will take you?  Actually, stand up right now and try to walk in a straight line while looking off to your right.  Hard to do, huh?  Focus on where you need to go!

And then this morning, one of my devotionals expounded further on what the original passage said.  God is laying this on me thick.

"[Love] believes all things, hopes all things." -1 Corinthians 13:7

To truly love, you need to focus on what is positive.  You can't dwell on everything that someone does wrong because you won't see all the fantastic things that they do right.  If you concentrate on their annoying habits, you won't find those neat things that they do that make you smile.

Look at a screen door.   Look right at the actual screen.  Seeing that which is right in front of you made everything behind it blurry, didn't it?  You didn't see the kids playing and giggling in the backyard or the flowers blooming.  All you saw was that gray screen because that is what you focused on.

All day long I find myself consumed with thoughts of resentment towards a lot of people.  It has been my immediate prayer lately that God takes that away from me and fills me with love.

God, heal my hardened, broken heart and let me see the good.  Let me love again.  Let me feel love again.  Help me to not have negative thoughts towards others.  Remind me to pray for them instead of curse them.  Lift all the negativity out of my heart and fill me with love.

Saul

Last Tuesday, I read a devotional about Saul, a man consumed by hatred, vengeance, and violence, who turns his life to God and becomes Paul, one of the greatest missionaries the world has ever seen. That's the extent to what I know about Saul as I didn't read much more about him than what was in the devotional.

But God speaks to me again...

At church yesterday, Saul was brought up. Then this morning, while reading another devotional, Saul is mentioned yet again!

"In the book of Acts we hear of a man named Saul. He was an incredible instrument of commitment, initiative and passion.

However, he was not making a pleasant sound with his life. He was using his position to harm and destroy. But Jesus turned His life around in such a way that Saul was able to make a beautiful tune that it is still resounding 2000 years later.

It was hard for Jesus’ followers to believe that someone who had been making such a horrendous noise could bring pleasant music to their ears, however, Jesus told them that Saul was His chosen instrument. Anyone who has been chosen by God can make a beautiful sound in this world. It does not matter about our upbringing, our outward appearance, or even how much we are worth. When we are obedient to Christ our life will make the most lovely tune."

I started my walk back to God hating who I had become while stewing in anger and resentment over the last several years. I doubted my ability to change and become what God wants me to be. He's telling me I can do it.

I'm going to dive deep into the story of Saul to become encouraged and inspired. Seems to be what God is giving to me in this time of need.

Love and Be Loved

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another." - 1 Thessalonians 5:15

I've been praying on this verse.  At this time in my life, it would (and has been) so easy for me to hate the people talking about me and the one "doing this" to me.  It would be easy for me to yell and scream at them, and just tell them to F off and get out of my life.  It's easy for me to curse them in my head, tighten my lips and knit my eyebrows in anger, and just to become negative and hardened.  But what good is this going to do?  God doesn't want us to hate anyone.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7

Not only does God want us to love everyone, in a secular, non-religious sense what good is it going to do me to get angry at these people?  The negativity is going to build up in me and I will spiral even deeper into depression and despair.  All I will feel is the hatred, and I will forget the love that surrounds me.

I never knew so much love surrounded me until now.  Surrounded by a church family, my own family, my husband's family, a large group of friends and prayer warriors online, and a few acquaintances in the area, and yet I still felt completely alone almost all the time.  The fact was that I had no love IN me to feel it FOR me.

I reached out to a group of friends and family who I felt would hold me together during this time a couple weeks ago.  There were a few that I were mistaken in thinking that they would want to stand behind me in this difficult time, but the majority of them check in on me daily, listen to my thoughts and prayers and woes and such, they pray for me and my family, and they tell me constantly that they love me.  I needed that as I haven't felt it in years.  But more over, I needed to feel it from God and within me. I needed to GIVE love too.

Love and positivity are feeding me right now.  When I start thinking anything negative whether it be doubt in my faith and what God is doing or if it's a negative thought about someone else and their actions, I pray (I told you I pray almost every minute of the day).

God, take this negative thought and feeling away from me. Fill me with love.  Help me focus on what is good in everything.  And through me bring good to others.  Amen.

God Speaks

Last night, I lay in bed fraught with anxiety and depression over my current situation.  Seems like nights are the hardest.  Going to bed, I get flooded with emotion and cry and cry.  And sleep evades me which is torturous because I feel that if only sleep would come, I wouldn't feel.  If I could sleep through this distress, I would....but that's not possible.

I digress...

So I lay in bed crying after reading for an hour and a half multiple devotionals and scriptures on topics I chose.  I lay there feeling so empty and lost and hopeless.  I cried and I said aloud, "God, I have been praying to you nonstop for 2.5 weeks now and I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over.  I don't know what to pray for, I don't know what is right.  I just want you to speak to me."  Within minutes, I fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up grateful for a new day.  Grateful that the night, the hardest part, was over.  Grateful that I could fill my time (and thus my mind) with busy work so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.  After I got my kids around and they were off to school, I sat down with my iPad and started reading the newsfeed.  Probably the third post down was a daily devotional that I had just recently subscribed to.  The first word I saw was "Compassion".  My heart skipped a beat as I remembered that just the night before in my frantic search of devotionals and scriptures to help me sleep, I had looked up the word "Compassion". 

com·pas·sion /kəmˈpaSHən/ (Noun) Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

I read the devotional and felt immediately like God was speaking to me.

" 'It doesn’t end at the beginning.' While Saul’s story begins with hatred, vengeance and violence, that is not the end of his story.

Through Christ, Saul becomes Paul and ends up as one of the greatest missionaries this world has ever seen. While his beginning was dark, through Christ, his ending was filled with light.

This is true for our lives too. No matter how we came into this world, or how we have acted in the past, that is not our final chapter.

 Through Christ we can bring life, hope and love into our world so that others can also experience this brighter future."

You see, I feel like I'm an awful person.  I have walked away from God. I have filled myself with anger and resentment.  I have been mean and hurtful towards people I love.  I have not been walking a Christian life.  And I lay in bed last night crying asking God to speak to me and He literally thrusts this in my face(book).

God loves me and forgives me because He has compassion.  And no matter how bad it gets, I need to remember that I can change if I walk with Him.  I've been asking God to forgive me these last couple of weeks. I have been asking him to change me and right when I feel hopeless, right when I ask him to speak to me...He does.

...and so it begins.

I recently had a devastating event in my life that will change the way I live from here on out.  I'm sure I will open up and express at some point, but for now, as I stay anonymous, I'll just share my experiences as I try to bring myself nearer to God in this trying time.

You see, I've been a believer for the last 15+ years after growing up in a home with a devout atheist father.  I never even thought about God growing up.  But in my teens I needed Him, and therefore He sent another teen girl into my life to bring me to him.  And thus my faith was born...

Since then, life has been hard, and I have gotten bored with Christianity so many times that I just haven't been where I should be with God.  I've blamed him for a lot of trials in my life that I felt should not have happened.  Too many for one person.  I grew angry at God...and the world in general.  I've ruined a lot of relationships with this bitter, negative attitude, including my relationship with God.

But...

God loves unconditionally.  And through this awful time, I'm brought back to Him as, like before, I really need Him.  He'll give me strength, He'll bring me through this, and He will make me whole and a better person because of it.  All I can do for Him is to do what He asks and be His servant.  So I pray...

I do not and will not proclaim that I know everything about Christianity or the teachings of the Bible. I'm only documenting for my own needs how I am walking back to God right now and forever.  I am doing this for myself.  Not for anyone else. But if God brings someone here who wants to walk with me, then I am glad to have helped.