I am more "Me" than I have been in forever...

I wrote this as a Facebook status which really is what prompted me to start writing again.  This was like God saying, "It's time. I'm letting you speak out again."  I just wanted to share it on here for the record.  Who knows...someday I may need to reread this to get back to this point!

This isn't going to make sense to some of you, and to others it will make perfect sense. There will be a few who have no idea what I am truly talking about but will totally understand without knowing. And then there will be that select few who are going to see this and immediately judge me just because I'm popping up on their newsfeed, then maybe they will actually read, and that will lead to talking negatively amongst themselves about me, saying I'm being fake...and yadda yadda. Bear with me while I declare something....

Life is really hard, and frankly, it's really scary too. I've never had to do it on my own. I've always had people around to save me whenever I asked. Some of it their fault for not letting me do stuff on my own, and most of it my fault for not letting them let me do stuff on my own. Although, I am so grateful to have had them in my life, I'm abundantly grateful NOT to have them in my life to save me right now.

For the first time in almost 33 years, I am genuinely being me, only me. Not a daughter, not a sister, not a wife, not a mom, just me. This is the least "fake" I have ever been. God gave me a journey that is harder and sadder than I could have ever wanted to go through, but like we all say, "There's a reason for everything." He wanted me, only me. He needed me to find me, to know me. And He needed me to need Him and only Him so I knew that I could do anything through Him.

I'm proud of myself tonight because I did yet another thing on my own. Something so small and insignificant probably to most, but something that made me so proud because I did it. All the small things I do on my own, build up into one big thing. Finding a job, making a budget, moving furniture, endlessly unpacking, shoveling snow, putting together five shelving units, a desk and a filing cabinet/printer stand, making candies, cooking dinner from scratch, reading the Bible daily and making sure I make the time for that, cleaning the stove, negotiating a fair price for plowing my driveway, attending to other business like Friend of the Court, car insurance, bills, etc., truly and faithfully tithing, getting the kids to school on time while trying to figure out a new routine, making and sticking to priorities, and generally troubleshooting life... They build up to me growing up, to me having confidence in myself for once, to me not being the victim all the time, to me relying on the one and only thing that I should be relying on--God.

I have no idea what the future holds, only God does. The only thing I can do is pray about it and trust His will be done (and that I will be able to accept it when it does happen). All I do know, though, is that I am walking into the future a totally different person. A person I actually like and have faith in. I know I can do anything. It may be hard, it may be sad, it's probably going to break my heart even more, there may be times when I still want to curl up in my bed and give up, but you know what? God's got this...and that's all that matters.

It's all about me!

When a conflict arises between any pair (be it a romantic relationship, a business relationship, a family relationship, or even strangers), our initial reaction is to automatically blame the other person.  It's their fault, right?  You didn't do anything.  Of course not, you are perfect!

I beg to differ, dear friend.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? --Matthew 7:3

Jesus is saying that before you speak negatively about another person, before you judge them, before you evaluate their self worth, look at you.

No one is perfect other than Jesus.  It is perfectly ok that you did something wrong.  What is not ok, is if you think what you did wrong doesn't matter, and then on top of it, you chastise others for their wrongdoings.

My marriage has fallen apart.  I'm trusting God to bring it back together.  But I'm not just sitting around doing nothing.  We both had faults in this marriage, but nothing will ever be healed until I work on me.  God will work on him.

I've been praying to God to point out everything wrong about me. This is a harsh reality, let me tell you.  Criticism hurts even when it is constructive.  And for someone like me who has always prided herself on being right...it kills me to be so wrong.

But I also cannot tell you enough how freeing it feels to see clearly now.  I was praying earlier today and just thanked God for making me someone I actually like now.  I look back at who I used to be and am so appalled.  How did I even have friends?

I'm not done yet.  I'm working on me until the day I die.  I will always ask God to tell me where I am wrong because I am not perfect and never will be.  I will always ask Him to give me the desire to be more like Jesus, to be a better wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover, human being.  Because walking with a plank sticking out of my face just isn't appealing to me.

Friends, I beg of you to look in the mirror.  Speaking purely from experience, when you see wrong in everything else and hate the world, it probably has something to do with what is in you.  Ask God to help you fix that.