Waiting for Boaz

I can give you a million excuses as to why I've only written once in the last year.  But it's between me and God.  At this point though, if I have any readers, do me a favor and keep me accountable. I'm diving back into daily devotionals, and writing after reading was always a way for me to really let it sink in.  So if you don't hear from me in a while, holler at me, not because you are dying to read my thoughts (even though I know you are, obviously), but because you want my walk with God to be as strong as ever.

Now on to the subject matter at hand...

I was at church a few weeks ago and stopped afterwards to chat with Rachael, a long time friend of mine.  We talked about finances mostly. I'm a single mom of four kids who has taken time off from working to give one of my struggling sons the time and attention he needs to function properly.  It's tough, but I'm getting by.  My faith hasn't faltered. Through all of this, I still know God's got this.  No. Matter. What.

After chatting, she asked if she could pray for me.  "Of course!" I said enthusiastically.  I love it when she prays!  It's moving.  You can feel the spirituality flow through you.  And for some reason, I always feel like her words to God pack such a huge punch in that moment.  I always come out of it feeling like something was heard. I know God always hears me, and you, and anyone praying, but there's just something about Rachael's words and how she presents them.

She started off the prayer thanking God for bringing me back to my home church, the one I went to in high school, which is why we were sitting together catching up in the first place.  She expressed how we are faithful in the fact that we know He holds my finances in His hands.  She asked God to open doors for me for specific opportunities that I wish to keep between myself, Rachael, and God for right now.  Then all of a sudden she stopped as if something came to realization.  As if someone standing next to her whispered into her ear that that wasn't what I needed prayers for at all...

She continued by asking God to not make me lonely anymore.  Something that we had not talked about once in our conversation, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because that, my friends, is what I am struggling with most right now.  Tears streamed down my face as she compared me to Ruth and asked God to bring me my Boaz.  Her words swirled around me and I felt lighter.  God knew I needed to hear that before I fell once again.

Now skip forward to a few nights ago....

I was lying in bed feeling quite forlorn. Bedtime is usually when this hits me the hardest.  I tuck my kids, my only daily company, in their beds, and there I am left to sit alone, to entertain myself, to comfort myself to sleep.  The weightiness of the desolation is painful at times.  I drown out the sorrow with TV and often sleeping medications because I just do not want to face it.

This night, however, I decided I needed to read the Bible instead.  The word "Boaz" echoed in my ears as I picked up my iPad and opened up the YouVersion app. I've read the book of Ruth before, but never really studied it. So I decided to look for a plan that focused on one chapter of Ruth each day.  I found one, clicked on it, and felt like God was smacking me in the face!

"Like Ruth, stay in your field and be faithful where you have been planted.  Remain where God has placed you. Don't stray away from the field that God has put you in for this season just to go into another field where you will be out of His will (Ruth 2:8-9)."

I've been wondering where God wants me right now because I feel lost where I am.  He answers so blatantly with such conviction sometimes!

But there's more...

"Ladies:  WAIT FOR YOUR BOAZ"

Just that one simple sentence.  "Wait for your Boaz."  I have little to no patience ever.  In all situations, I want what I want and I want it now.  I often go looking for what I want and find a variation of it ending up settling for what's not right for me because I'm too impatient to wait for what God intends.

God clearly shouted this at me when I needed to hear it most.  I mean, seriously, this was in all caps in the devotional. He makes me chuckle sometimes.

So I will wait....impatiently.  But I know it's what's best.  All of this has happened for a reason.  I know that when Boaz finally finds me, it will be better than anything because it is what God intends.  Marriage means a completely different thing to me now.

And as my mom said to me earlier this month:  "God is working on him before he brings him to you."

Believe the Best

Last week a friend of mine gave me a scripture that happened to be the same scripture that had come to me the night before when I was having a hard time not succumbing to the negative circumstances of my life.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Phillipians 4:8

Again, (I know I say this a lot but) God speaks.  He knew I needed this scripture and He knew I needed to work on this right now.  I need to not dwell on what is pulling me down--people talking behind my back, my own disapproval of my past actions, anger towards others' actions, what the future holds for me now--and dwell on what is real and right--I'm human and can change, God said so!  God is with me even when I feel like no one else is on my side.  God knows what is best for me and He will give that to me for my future.

You can walk down a road and look straight forward, or you can let your eyes wander off to the side.  Which way do you think your feet will take you?  Actually, stand up right now and try to walk in a straight line while looking off to your right.  Hard to do, huh?  Focus on where you need to go!

And then this morning, one of my devotionals expounded further on what the original passage said.  God is laying this on me thick.

"[Love] believes all things, hopes all things." -1 Corinthians 13:7

To truly love, you need to focus on what is positive.  You can't dwell on everything that someone does wrong because you won't see all the fantastic things that they do right.  If you concentrate on their annoying habits, you won't find those neat things that they do that make you smile.

Look at a screen door.   Look right at the actual screen.  Seeing that which is right in front of you made everything behind it blurry, didn't it?  You didn't see the kids playing and giggling in the backyard or the flowers blooming.  All you saw was that gray screen because that is what you focused on.

All day long I find myself consumed with thoughts of resentment towards a lot of people.  It has been my immediate prayer lately that God takes that away from me and fills me with love.

God, heal my hardened, broken heart and let me see the good.  Let me love again.  Let me feel love again.  Help me to not have negative thoughts towards others.  Remind me to pray for them instead of curse them.  Lift all the negativity out of my heart and fill me with love.

Love and Be Loved

"See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another." - 1 Thessalonians 5:15

I've been praying on this verse.  At this time in my life, it would (and has been) so easy for me to hate the people talking about me and the one "doing this" to me.  It would be easy for me to yell and scream at them, and just tell them to F off and get out of my life.  It's easy for me to curse them in my head, tighten my lips and knit my eyebrows in anger, and just to become negative and hardened.  But what good is this going to do?  God doesn't want us to hate anyone.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." - 1 John 4:7

Not only does God want us to love everyone, in a secular, non-religious sense what good is it going to do me to get angry at these people?  The negativity is going to build up in me and I will spiral even deeper into depression and despair.  All I will feel is the hatred, and I will forget the love that surrounds me.

I never knew so much love surrounded me until now.  Surrounded by a church family, my own family, my husband's family, a large group of friends and prayer warriors online, and a few acquaintances in the area, and yet I still felt completely alone almost all the time.  The fact was that I had no love IN me to feel it FOR me.

I reached out to a group of friends and family who I felt would hold me together during this time a couple weeks ago.  There were a few that I were mistaken in thinking that they would want to stand behind me in this difficult time, but the majority of them check in on me daily, listen to my thoughts and prayers and woes and such, they pray for me and my family, and they tell me constantly that they love me.  I needed that as I haven't felt it in years.  But more over, I needed to feel it from God and within me. I needed to GIVE love too.

Love and positivity are feeding me right now.  When I start thinking anything negative whether it be doubt in my faith and what God is doing or if it's a negative thought about someone else and their actions, I pray (I told you I pray almost every minute of the day).

God, take this negative thought and feeling away from me. Fill me with love.  Help me focus on what is good in everything.  And through me bring good to others.  Amen.