Bitter Party

From a pity party to a bitter party...

I don't know what is eating at me, but I am so grumpy.  I'm really irritable.  Little things are annoying me so much.  I have this knot in my chest and feel overwhelmed by this anger, and I don't even know where it's coming from.

Nothing has changed in the major situation I have been in for the last several months.  No one has done anything different.  No more moves have been made.  No more words have been said.

Yet for the past two weeks I have just been all around angry.  Angry at the world again.  Am I stuck on the Angry-Go-Round?  I don't even know what I'm angry about. I'm just so....ARGH!

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. --Ephesians 4:31

I am trying, Lord, but I don't even know where it's coming from.  Please just cleanse me of this desire to hate everything and everyone.  Please relax my body, my mind, and my heart.  Loosen my clenched jaw and release my furrowed brow.  Help me to take deep breaths and feel good.  Fill me with your love and let it pour out of me.  Make it fill me so much that there is no room for anger, resentment, irritability.  During this time, help me to keep my mouth shut.  Let nothing flow from me but your love. Let no one see how dark I am inside right now.

I have come so far in the last five months and I feel it all slipping away because of the last few weeks where I have just felt so negative.  I can't let that happen. I won't.

Pity Party

I'm feeling really tired lately.  And it feels like everything is hitting me as hard.  Being a mother is hard.  Getting out of bed is hard.  Life. is. hard.  I don't feel like doing this anymore.

Today was weird.  I woke up...and then fell back asleep...like a million times.  I don't know what's wrong with me but I literally can't keep my eyes open.  And this happens to be a day that my husband was working so I had to care for the kids--prepare meals, keep them entertained, make peace among them, take the dog out, etc.  But I could not will myself to move for the most part.  So they frustrated me quite a bit....  They are always so loud, constantly fighting, eating everything, and never ever listening to me.  Never.

I'm. so. tired.

It's days like today...or really like the past two weeks...that make me wonder why I do any of this.  What's the purpose anymore?   I really don't know...

But...I'll keep going. I have to keep going.

There's a Reason

"God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason."

One of my friends said this to me today in a message on Facebook. It stuck with me and played around in my head for a while. Then while doing dishes, I said it out loud, "God wanted your journey to be set up this way for a reason...." and almost immediately I heard, "So he can see you go through it."

You see, I'm in the middle of a divorce that I don't want. I don't like even saying that because I believe God is restoring my marriage even if it's falling apart. The weird thing is my husband and I still live together with our four children. It's like we are roommates, not husband and wife, but in all other aspects we are a family. It's very hurtful to have him so close yet so very distant from me. And it's very difficult for me to just "give him to God". I never know how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to say, how to interact with him, etc. Plus, his new found desire to wear cologne even though he has never worn any in the 11+ years we have been together is pretty disheartening to smell constantly.

My friend who said the above is going through the same thing, except her husband is out of the house now. She doesn't see him or speak to him unless he initiates contact. She is praying her way through this, and like mine, her marriage is being restored. It's happening. We might not see it, but God is working. We know it.

Her point in saying that to me was that for some reason God decided I needed to go through this in a different way that she is. And as I prayed over her words, it came to me that my husband needs to see the work God is doing in me.

Yet at the same time, I need to let God do the work in me without wanting and needing others to see it.

“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.

“So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. --Matthew 6:1-4

Conundrum! Really?! Could this be any harder?

Sure it can! God blessed me with a brain that never ever stops. I'm serious. It just goes. I have no control over it. So when it wanders, it worries, and when it worries, I over think everything.

As soon as I start going off on a tangent in my head, I pray to God to let that stop. Please Lord, this is torturing me enough. Please let me not torture myself on top of it all.

Where was I? Well, I guess...I just feel like I'm on this merry-go-round that won't stop. Or at least I can't figure out which direction I have to go to get off of it. I'm very confused. Constantly. I just have to trust that at any given moment God is going to send me a huge neon arrow sign indicating what I need to do. And then I will obey.

Seek Ye First...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. --Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

A few weeks ago, I got to a point in life where I realized the first things I did every single day had nothing to do with God.  And each time I did these things, I felt guilty that I waited to do devotionals, read the bible, or pray until after they were done.  How on Earth did a get to a point where Facebook and emails were more important to me than God?

I was reading a book and the above scripture was the title of the chapter.  Actually, I think it was just "Seek ye first...".  It spoke about always going to God first in everything--first thing in the morning, first thing when you have a problem, first thing when you are thankful, FIRST.  Funny thing, I was reading it last.  The very last thing I was doing that day.

I fell asleep after reading that chapter.  When I woke in the morning, the first thing that came to my mind before any other thoughts (even that I had to pee) was, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  I knew God was talking to me.  So I immediately read the two devotionals that I read each day and a chapter in proverbs (as I am working through proverbs and then through psalms).  I did it before I even touched my phone, before I went to the bathroom, before I woke the kids and attended their needs.  God came first!

The next day, the same thing happened. I awoke and heard clearly, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  In fact, ever since then, every single morning when I wake up, that's the first thing that runs through my mind.  And I obey.

Last week I had a particularly trying day that ended in an awful evening that broke my heart. In order to save other's reputations ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29) and not cause additional strife, I am not going to share exactly what happened.  Just know it hurt me a lot.  Like to the point where I thought I was going to die from the pain within me.  My initial thought this time, however, was not to run to a friend, my mom, anybody BUT God.  "Seek ye first..."  I needed to turn to God in that exact moment to ask Him to help me through it.  I prayed and prayed, just me and God.  When I finally calmed down a bit, I was able to call a close friend of mine who prayed with me.

In her prayers, she asked God to show me how much He loves me and to give me something to hold on to that will be a symbol to me and remind me constantly.  I went to sleep still feeling like a truck hit me, but I had a peace over me that reminded me that tomorrow is a new day ("Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." --Psalm 30:5).  When I woke up in the morning, I seeked God first.  First, I thanked Him for helping me through the night and giving me a long night's rest.  I asked for continued strength, trust and patience that His will would soon be done.  I just have to keep going.  I read my bible, I did my devotions.  When I finally was done, I did my "second"--checked my email.  Sitting in front of the computer screen was a package that just said "A Gift for Taylor".  It must have arrived the day before when I was out of town.  I opened it up and there was a little card inside that said,

To Taylor,
 ...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you. --Matthew 17:20b

And under that was a little silver necklace with a mustard seed pendant.  There was no indication as to who it was from at all. It was sent directly to me from the store that carries the jewelry, so I couldn't check the post office stamp.  No way of knowing.

Mustard Seed Necklace gift from A Perfect Peace

But I knew.  It was from God.  He told someone that I was in desperate need of a gift to help me to keep going, and that person listened faithfully.  And at the exact right moment, God gave it to me.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  God's got this...as long as I keep seeking Him before all things, He's going to keep speaking to me and helping me through this.  In the end, I will be made anew, and I will have what is promised.