Seek Ye First...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. --Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

A few weeks ago, I got to a point in life where I realized the first things I did every single day had nothing to do with God.  And each time I did these things, I felt guilty that I waited to do devotionals, read the bible, or pray until after they were done.  How on Earth did a get to a point where Facebook and emails were more important to me than God?

I was reading a book and the above scripture was the title of the chapter.  Actually, I think it was just "Seek ye first...".  It spoke about always going to God first in everything--first thing in the morning, first thing when you have a problem, first thing when you are thankful, FIRST.  Funny thing, I was reading it last.  The very last thing I was doing that day.

I fell asleep after reading that chapter.  When I woke in the morning, the first thing that came to my mind before any other thoughts (even that I had to pee) was, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  I knew God was talking to me.  So I immediately read the two devotionals that I read each day and a chapter in proverbs (as I am working through proverbs and then through psalms).  I did it before I even touched my phone, before I went to the bathroom, before I woke the kids and attended their needs.  God came first!

The next day, the same thing happened. I awoke and heard clearly, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God."  In fact, ever since then, every single morning when I wake up, that's the first thing that runs through my mind.  And I obey.

Last week I had a particularly trying day that ended in an awful evening that broke my heart. In order to save other's reputations ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." --Ephesians 4:29) and not cause additional strife, I am not going to share exactly what happened.  Just know it hurt me a lot.  Like to the point where I thought I was going to die from the pain within me.  My initial thought this time, however, was not to run to a friend, my mom, anybody BUT God.  "Seek ye first..."  I needed to turn to God in that exact moment to ask Him to help me through it.  I prayed and prayed, just me and God.  When I finally calmed down a bit, I was able to call a close friend of mine who prayed with me.

In her prayers, she asked God to show me how much He loves me and to give me something to hold on to that will be a symbol to me and remind me constantly.  I went to sleep still feeling like a truck hit me, but I had a peace over me that reminded me that tomorrow is a new day ("Weeping may stay for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning." --Psalm 30:5).  When I woke up in the morning, I seeked God first.  First, I thanked Him for helping me through the night and giving me a long night's rest.  I asked for continued strength, trust and patience that His will would soon be done.  I just have to keep going.  I read my bible, I did my devotions.  When I finally was done, I did my "second"--checked my email.  Sitting in front of the computer screen was a package that just said "A Gift for Taylor".  It must have arrived the day before when I was out of town.  I opened it up and there was a little card inside that said,

To Taylor,
 ...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you. --Matthew 17:20b

And under that was a little silver necklace with a mustard seed pendant.  There was no indication as to who it was from at all. It was sent directly to me from the store that carries the jewelry, so I couldn't check the post office stamp.  No way of knowing.

Mustard Seed Necklace gift from A Perfect Peace

But I knew.  It was from God.  He told someone that I was in desperate need of a gift to help me to keep going, and that person listened faithfully.  And at the exact right moment, God gave it to me.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  God's got this...as long as I keep seeking Him before all things, He's going to keep speaking to me and helping me through this.  In the end, I will be made anew, and I will have what is promised.

"Trust Me"

I've been kicked.  One of those hits-you-in-the-gut-and-makes-you-instantly-wanna-puke moments.  I've gotten two of them in the last 48 hours.  I've seen a lot of them in the last 4 months, but this week has been the first in a month, so it hit hard.

I noticed something this time though.  I didn't ask God, "Why?"  I've come to a point where I don't need to know why, because asking "why?" is why I'm here.  Did you follow that?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I questioned God a lot in my life.  Why do I have to do this? Why are You doing this to me?  Why am I being punished? Why, why, why?  God is at a point where He's sick of me saying it, and He wants me to just trust that there's a reason.  I don't need to know it. I just have to trust that He's doing something.

And He really is doing something.  The fact that I didn't ask "Why?" but immediately said to God, "Thank you for holding me in this moment, and thank you for promising that you will get me through it", is huge. I'm almost having anxiety over the fact that I'm not more anxious right now....

God's got this.

That's my new motto.  As soon as I feel the anxiety well up in me, as soon as the racing thoughts about finances, a place to live, a job or schooling or anything else flood my head, as soon as I feel that familiar dark shadow pull me into feeling like I can't do it...I say to myself, "God's got this."

A lot of people have said to me that I need to prepare, to "get my ducks in a row."  But I have the biggest duck there is.  God's got this.  He'll tell me exactly when I need to start focusing on that stuff.  And right now is not the time.

And if you don't believe me....

I had a rare moment in my day where I had to wait to do something.  In that moment, one of those waves of anxiety about what I have to do next flooded over me and I started to hyperventilate.  I seriously said out loud, "What the heck?"  Where on Earth did that come from?  Since I had to wait for something, I had the time to "listen" to God.  I opened up my youversion app and read the chapter it randomly chose for me to read today:  Isaiah 40.  NIV labels in "Comfort for God's People".  I don't believe in coincidences.

As I read, the anxiety washed away.  Like a hug from God at the moment I needed it most.  I was telling a friend about that tonight and just started crying at the sheer awesomeness of our loving Father.  He knew what I needed.  He needed to speak to me at that moment.  He opened the door to give me a second to listen to Him.  And I obeyed.

God's got this!

...but those who hope ("wait" in ESV) in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  --Isaiah 40-31 (NIV)

Stronger

I know that God is using me right now. He's building up an amazing testimony that will knock the socks off of everyone who hears it someday. It's going to make a difference in many lives. It will even save some.

Lord, I want you to use me. But please, as you use me, as you build up this testimony, make me stronger. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

He has promised me. And He will. For I have mustard seeds.

In fact, I bought five packs of them to throw at the enemy when he attacks me.

I. Will. Win.

Mustard Seeds

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” --Matthew 17:20

A mustard seed is 1 to 2mm in diameter.  Jesus says in the parable of the mustard seeds that it is the smallest of all seeds. (Matthew 13)

One of my sons has had a really tough life.  He has knocked on deaths door many times in his almost 7 years of life (and even before that in the womb).  I fully believe that he is here today, and a healthy little boy for that matter, because of mustard seeds.

My husband used to walk around at the hospitals our ill son was living in and sprinkle mustard seeds as he prayed.  He used to whisper the verse above to our son and tell him he "better get to moving those mountains".  He believed that all it took was faith in God's hand on our little teeny tiny baby boy and he would live.  And not only live but surpass all that the doctors said he would ever be able to do with that life.

If one tiny mustard seed can move a mountain, what can handfuls of mustard seeds do to a mole hill?  I'd say they can stomp on it and blow it to smithereens.  Amen.

What do you do when you are knocking on deaths door?  Have faith.  What do you do when a situation looks impossible?  Have faith.  What do you do when the devil chips away at your soul?  Throw mustard seeds at him.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." --1 Corinthians 16:13

Time to Speak?

A couple weeks ago I started reading a devotional plan based on the book of Nehemiah.  Late last week, a devotional blog that I follow started a new plan on Nehemiah too.  I found it kind of redundant and thought to myself that I didn't have to read this new one because I had already read about it in a different devotional. But then I thought, "No, God must have a plan here or he wouldn't want me to study this twice."

Now a little back story here.  Nehemiah was working for the king far away from home when he found out that his home was destroyed.  He waited 4 months until the king finally asked him why he was so sad, and upon telling him what had happened, the king immediately said to go help his people rebuild. (Nehemiah 2:1-2)  Nehemiah waited silently until it was the right time.  Home destroyed, wait silently.  Sound familiar?

Nehemiah knew God's plan for him was a great one. He was to step out in faith and rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't a carpenter or construction worker.  He didn't have a crew.  He didn't have the materials.  He just was to go there and do it.  Just do it!  And because he trusted that God would provide, he did it.

While he was building the wall, the enemies started taunting him and his faith (also sounding familiar?).  Nehemiah took time out of his work to pray for them.  Not to yell back and argue.  Not to fight with them and call them names too.  No, he prayed.  (Nehemiah 4:1-5)

Then through his faith he fought back to protect the wall he was rebuilding with the other Israelites.

"We must post our defenses in our weakest points, ready to defend, with other followers, with strength of His word, with the power of the Holy Spirit."  --Nehemiah 4:13

I didn't know it the first time I read these words, but I did the same thing.  I have been talked about behind my back pretty badly for two months now.  As I sit and wait in silence, I pray for them.  And moreover, I got ready to defend myself with The Word.  I have read and read and learned so much in the last two months. Still a long way to go, but I know so much more than I did a few months ago.


I had fallen behind on my devotionals recently, so the first one I read today was from May 20th titled "The Gift of Friendship to Accomplish God's Work".

"Nehemiah has a gift for asking for help and being specific in his needs.....When we ask for help and work with others for the Lord's calling, we open doors that might have been impossible to open alone....Our Christian friendships allow us to use each other's God-given gifts to work together for His greater plan." --She Reads Truth

For several weeks, God has answered one of my questions clearly.

Should I say something, Lord?

"No, ZIP YOUR LIPS!  I am working on this right now."

I have sat back quietly.  Praying and praying.  Every day among my prayers, I would ask the same thing, every day I would get another scripture that says to stay still and be quiet.

This weekend, my prayers changed slightly asking God to put someone in my husband's life that will tell him what he is doing is wrong.  At church on Sunday, I prayed this over and over. I had these strong urges to talk to a couple of people who I thought would be a good person for this job, but when I asked God if this was where I was to speak, I didn't get an answer.  Since I had so clearly gotten an answer over and over again not to speak.  I knew I needed to wait for an answer to speak.

And today I read this devotional about Nehemiah asking for help.

Is it time, Lord, that I should speak?  And if so, whom shall I speak to for help?  Guide me, God.  Help me find the right person and tell me clearly this is who I am supposed to be asking for help.  Give me the courage and strength to ask them and give them an open and willing heart to help me.  Give them the courage to step in and tell their friend that what he is doing is wrong in your eyes, Lord.  Help them help me bring his heart out of darkness and back to the light.  I ask you all these things in your son's name, Amen.

Drooling

I fasted for the first time religiously today. I don't know much about fasting--why we do it, if we are supposed to do it, what the importance of doing it is... But over the last two weeks I have had this feeling that I needed to do it. This feeling compounded with several "coincidental" scriptures and devotionals mentioning fasting in passing made me feel like God was calling me to do it.

Last weekend, I asked someone about it. They said you take something (not always food) away from yourself that is getting in the way of your relationship with God. That makes sense, right? What do you do first thing in the morning, check your Facebook page or read your devotionals? So fast from Facebook. I did that on Tuesday. Not Facebook because honestly it's not getting in the way of my relationship with God lately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it just makes me want to read my Bible. So I chose something that I put a lot of importance into, something that I often dealt with before reading the bible or praying.

It wasn't hard at all. It felt freeing and I did indeed spend more time reading the word. But it wasn't difficult. I asked God if I did it right. I didn't get a clear answer until I then decided that on Wednesday I would fast from food. I felt that if fasting from something else didn't feel right that going the old fashioned, in-the-Bible route would make a difference.

As soon as I made the choice to do that, the temptations flooded in. Wednesday my husband was planning a steak dinner (steak, potatoes, corn on the cob and rolls), so I told myself I would just fast the next day. Why waste a yummy steak dinner on a day that I'm fasting?! The next day I had to take the kids somewhere in the evening and knew that meant fast food (as opposed to fasting from food). Why torture myself with the smells of burgers and fries? Friday my son wanted to go out for lunch, couldn't pass that up. Saturday, my husband wanted to take the whole family out to lunch for Mother's Day. Again, who am I to pass up free food not prepared by myself?!

Each time I gave in to this whole "I'll fast tomorrow" game, I felt guilty. And what makes you feel guilty, folks? The devil! The enemy was tempting me to do something against what I had told God I was going to do. It wasn't so much the not-eating-food thing that was important. It was the I-made-a-promise-to-God-that-I-would-do-it thing! By giving in to the temptations that the devil laid in front of me, it was so easy to say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

By last night, I felt convicted to do what I said to God that I would do. And then God spoke! In a book I am reading about prayer, out of nowhere there is one sentence that says if there is a tough issue you are praying for and you need a breakthrough, fasting will make your prayers more effective. Now there was no mention of fasting before that and none after that. God just came right out and said, "Stop making excuses and fast!"

So I did.

Like I said, it's not about the not-eating thing. It's about not giving in to the temptations the devil lays out in front of you to make you do something that you told God you were going to do for Him. The donut holes (my favorite flavor too!) at church this morning, the half of a burger leftover by one of my kids at lunch this afternoon, the brownies sitting on the counter that I had made the night before, or that piece of chocolate that my daughter gave me to say Happy Mother's Day. That last one was difficult. She felt bad that she wasn't with me all day and that the day had sucked royally. All she wanted was to make me smile. Woo boy, that was a had one to turn down. Well played, devil. But I won.

And do you know how I won? Each and every time I felt tempted to eat something, I prayed. "God, keep me from evil and help me to do this one thing to show You that I am faithful." And He gave me strength. In fact, I really wasn't hungry all day besides those moments when I saw something delectable or thought about how easy it would be to just say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

I'm laying down to go to bed right now and happy to say I have not eaten a single bite (only drank water and tea) in 24 hours. I promised something to God and persevered passed the devil's temptations to deliver that promise. I showed my faith. At a time that I have been feeling weak, I showed that I can do this. My God is strong and so is my faith.

Broken

I am finding life to be harder and harder lately.  I am completely exhausted with everything going on and then tackling every day life on top of that.  I spent most of yesterday crying and begging God to stop doing this to me.  How long do I have to suffer to prove that I am returning to Him and will never leave again?

I feel so weak.
I feel so empty.
I feel so hurt and alone.

Pray for stength.
Pray for love.
Pray for healing and comfort.

Pray for Peace.

I am broken.  I am at the lowest I have ever been and all I am doing is looking straight up at God.  God, what do you want me to do now?  Where do I go now?

I'm in physical pain because of how much my heart hurts right now.  I so want to give up.  I want to curl up in my bed and sleep and not wake up.  I don't want to do this anymore because it's too hard.

Last night, I was so incredibly exhausted, my body ached terribly, tears streamed down my face constantly.  I collapsed in my bed and wanted to give up.  But I needed to fuel my faith so I googled "scriptures for when you are weak".  I found this one, third from the top:

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken." --Psalm 34:17-20

I have repeated this to myself for 24 hours straight now to reaffirm my faith.

I called a Christian Counseling Service today to make an appointment.  I feel like my therapist isn't understanding that God is what I need right now.  "I can't sleep," I said.  She said, "Try drinking warm milk." Um, are you kidding me?  She doesn't get it.  And since my church has foresaken me (or so I feel at least), I can't turn to my pastor or my usual prayer warriors.  I need someone who will stand by me in my faith and give me some guidance driven by God.  I need someone to quote scriptures to me when I am feeling weak and alone.  I need someone who will say a prayer with me.  I need someone who understands that because I trust God, I am letting Him handle this.

I have two friend who are being very, very helpful in that right now.  One of them lives close to me and she met me earlier today so I could cry and get a hug and she gave me Godly advice and prayer.  Another was in my same exact predicament a year ago and through her faith she got through it.  I can't thank God enough for giving them to me right now.

Arm Yourself

I love it when I read a scripture at random just before bed, then one of my devotionals uses the same scripture the next morning or someone posts it on Facebook or it's in the Sunday sermon.  It's God blatantly telling me, "This is important for you to know.  Listen to me."

"Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 

"Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
--Ephesians 6:11-17 (NLT)

"Stand firm against all strategies of the devil." (NLT)
"Stand up to everything the Devil throws your way." (MSG)

With God's armor, I can battle whatever comes my way.  Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation.

From the dictionary:
Truth:  the actual state or conditions; reality or fact
Righteousness:  uprightness or morality
Peace: tranquility; freedom from strife or dissension
Faith: confidence or trust; belief not based on proof
Salvation:  the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

I can do this.  God reminded me.

Power of Prayer

A few years ago, I was at our local grocery store in the teeny tiny town that we live in.  As I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car, I was approached by 4 individuals that asked if they could pray for me.  I interrupted them and told them I was a believer and already went to church.  I told them I didn't need saving and they should find someone else to pray for.  They told me that earlier that morning they had a prayer meeting asking God to show them who to pray for.  During this prayer, one of the young ladies wrote down four things that God put on her heart--groceries, pink shirt and brown sandals, and marriage.  That was me.

Now granted, they could have just saw me at the grocery store in my pink shirt and brown sandals and then made this up. But the main thing that made me catch my breath was "marriage".  How did they know I needed prayer for my marriage?

At the time, I let them pray over me.  And I cried.  In that moment, it touched me and I knew God was speaking to me.  But I didn't listen.  Although I knew this was a moment God was using to give me what I needed, although I was convicted and felt in my heart the right thing was to turn to God and fix what was broken, I didn't do anything about it.

I went to a friend's church today.  I have felt like I don't fit at my church anymore since this recent development in my life.  I don't want to go in detail about why, but it just doesn't feel right, not right now.  I am sure I will go back eventually, but at this time, I believe that God is telling me I need a different place that will make me feel God completely.

The message was good.  I needed to hear it.  It reaffirmed my walk right now.  I can do this, because I have God.

"Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You." --Psalm 27:3

But I still felt incomplete upon leaving the church.  I was driving home, and right as I got to my house, instead of pulling into my driveway, I remembered those prayer warriors that found me in that parking lot that day.  So I went to that church.  Their service had ended, everyone had left.  The only people that were still there were three of the four that prayed for me that day.  I told them about it and all of them remembered.  Immediately they hugged me and asked to pray for me again.  I sat and they talked to me and prayed for me for 20 minutes.  Before I left, they gave me their personal cell phone numbers and their email addresses and said not to ever hesitate to contact them at any moment that I felt weak.

Thank you, God!  I needed them right now!  I feel loved by a lot of people, don't get me wrong, but I needed a body of believers that were so unbiased about what is going on in my life and were so connected with God that they were drawn to me knowing this was going to happen even years before it did.  They've been praying for me ever since.  Never knew my name, never knew my life, just knew I needed it.  And here I am.

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." --Matthew 18:19

Doubt is not an Option

Over the last ten years, I've had so many things happen in my life that caused me to question where God was.  I felt like with each new thing that I was forced to suffer through that God was less and less real to me.

At first, I was angry.  Why are you doing this to me, God?  I'm a good person.  I got through the last trial you gave me and I still believe, so why are you giving me another?

Then I started to doubt.  God would never keep doing this to one person, would He?  Are we wasting our time praying to something that doesn't exist?  Where is God in this and why isn't He helping me?

I started skipping church because I just didn't feel like going, and when I did go, I would play games on my phone the whole time because I didn't like listening to the message.  Again, I felt it was a waste of time.  He wasn't real.  Why did I get up when I could be still in bed all snuggly warm snoozing away?

There were times here and there where I had overwhelming feelings that my doubt was wrong, but I decided not to listen to God talking directly to me and let the doubt consume me instead.  I didn't believe anymore.  I didn't trust that God had a plan for me.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" -- Hebrews 11:1

Apparently, God was using my strength to get through all these things to show others that they can get through their trials and tribulations too.  I never knew that.

Someone recently called me "the strongest person they ever knew".  I laughed inwardly because they didn't know how weak I was.  Then another person said it within 24 hours of the first.  What was I not seeing that these people were?  God wanted to show me that I am strong and I can do this.  I can have faith and not succumb to what is overcoming me right now.  I can stand and not be knocked over.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."--2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Imagine how much stronger I am now that I have faith on my side.

FMF: Jump

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

JUMP

"Trust God."  My friend said this to me yesterday when I was saying I felt so weak and like my praying wasn't working.  Then God gave me two songs to remind me of this.  Trust.  Let Him do His work.

Not that I can just sit back and it will all work out.  I have to trust God openly and faithfully, do what He is calling me to do, pray, forgive, repent, love....above all, LOVE.

God gave me a promise:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

...I have to take a running leap off of the cliff and trust that God is going to catch me and not let me fall.  Because He says He will.

And so I pray.  I pray that God makes me a better person, that He shows me where to go and what to do.  That He helps me through this tough time in my life and that He gives me strength to keep my hope and faith alive.  I take that leap and shout out to the Lord, "I am yours.  I trust you."

He won't let me down.