One of those moments...

I'm having one of those sad moments.  The ones that come out of nowhere and overtake you.  The ones where tears just fall from your eyes and you don't even know why.  Well, I guess I know why, I just don't know why it started.

The ones where you just say, "Please, God...." and cry.

He hears my heart and He knows I am hurting.  I don't have to say anything because He knows.

"...We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." ~Romans 8:26

It's comforting to know that in times like these all I have to say is, "God, hear my cries and know what I need."  I don't even know...

I just need to trust in Him and His promises.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Exodus 14:13

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58

Just. Keep. Standing.

"Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13:8

Baby Steps

God answered a prayer for me this morning.

I laid in bed last night praying and fumbled over my words.  I ended up getting my prayer journal out and wrote out my prayer instead.  Sometimes I need to do that because the devil fills my head with distractions.  Although God knows what I am trying to say even when I don't (Romans 8:26), I get frustrated with my prayers when they don't make sense.  I literally stopped what I was saying and hung my head.  I sighed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I want to say right now."  And I picked up my pen and paper and it flowed.

I asked for two specific things.  The first was for my husband to want to spend time with his kids as I feel like they have lost some importance on his hierarchy of priorities lately.  The second is more personal and I don't need to share it here.  It's between me, God and my husband (someday).

This morning, I asked him if he would like to go with the kids and I to a local festival.  He asked what time we were leaving and when I said 9:30 he hemmed and hawed and said probably not.  I said we could skip the first parade and just go to a later event at noon to see if he would go with us later.  He said sure, that the kids would like that (if he came with us).  I can't tell you how my heart leapt for joy!

It was short lived.  When I looked up the festival and found we had to pay to get in.  Boo!  So I mentioned it to him saying we would just not go and I would find something for the kids to do here at home.  Then without a beat he said, "Let's just go to the parade like we originally planned and then go out to lunch."  I think I glowed at this moment.  First, he said "we"!!!  That's huge!  He has not used "we", "our", "us" since this started two months ago.  Second, he purposefully made a point to do something with his family even though something got in the way of it.

I enjoyed the time together.  We were like a family for the first time in months.

It gets better....

I clean our floors almost every night now that the kids are playing outside all the time because they track in dirt and mud everywhere.  It's kind of become a routine of mine and I'm not too upset when the footprints appear every night.  I swept up the dirt, then using the sink in the bathroom for my "mop bucket", mopped the floor.  After the floors were clean, the sink was then filthy.  So I got out the bathroom cleaner and started cleaning the vanity.  My daughter walked in then and said, "Can I help?"  She grabbed the cleaner then started scrubbing the bathtub.  What is it with kids that they love to clean when you don't ask them, but when you do it's like pulling teeth?  The cleaning bug trickled down to my other kids and soon I had one in the bathtub, one doing dishes and one folding towels.  What?!

All while this was going on, my husband was watching TV...or something, I don't remember. It wasn't  important to me. It's my job to keep the house. (Proverbs 31:27)  And I'm happy to do it for the Lord.  But soon after my son got out the vacuum, he got up and started moving furniture around to help him get the dust bunnies behind them.  I sat back and watched after mopping the floors, cleaning the vanity, and scrubbing the toilet.  Not that he never does anything around the house, but it was a family effort and he wanted to be part of it.  I smiled.

Thank you, God, for baby steps.  I know you are moving here and I know that the other request I had for you last night will be answered too in your time.  Thank you so much for this day, the time with my family, the sunshine, the fun event we got to enjoy together.  Even though we were at each other's throats at times, we still had love among us.  These times together as a family are so far and few between lately that I treasure each one.  Thank you, thank you, Lord, for giving it to us.  Amen.

Time to Speak?

A couple weeks ago I started reading a devotional plan based on the book of Nehemiah.  Late last week, a devotional blog that I follow started a new plan on Nehemiah too.  I found it kind of redundant and thought to myself that I didn't have to read this new one because I had already read about it in a different devotional. But then I thought, "No, God must have a plan here or he wouldn't want me to study this twice."

Now a little back story here.  Nehemiah was working for the king far away from home when he found out that his home was destroyed.  He waited 4 months until the king finally asked him why he was so sad, and upon telling him what had happened, the king immediately said to go help his people rebuild. (Nehemiah 2:1-2)  Nehemiah waited silently until it was the right time.  Home destroyed, wait silently.  Sound familiar?

Nehemiah knew God's plan for him was a great one. He was to step out in faith and rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't a carpenter or construction worker.  He didn't have a crew.  He didn't have the materials.  He just was to go there and do it.  Just do it!  And because he trusted that God would provide, he did it.

While he was building the wall, the enemies started taunting him and his faith (also sounding familiar?).  Nehemiah took time out of his work to pray for them.  Not to yell back and argue.  Not to fight with them and call them names too.  No, he prayed.  (Nehemiah 4:1-5)

Then through his faith he fought back to protect the wall he was rebuilding with the other Israelites.

"We must post our defenses in our weakest points, ready to defend, with other followers, with strength of His word, with the power of the Holy Spirit."  --Nehemiah 4:13

I didn't know it the first time I read these words, but I did the same thing.  I have been talked about behind my back pretty badly for two months now.  As I sit and wait in silence, I pray for them.  And moreover, I got ready to defend myself with The Word.  I have read and read and learned so much in the last two months. Still a long way to go, but I know so much more than I did a few months ago.


I had fallen behind on my devotionals recently, so the first one I read today was from May 20th titled "The Gift of Friendship to Accomplish God's Work".

"Nehemiah has a gift for asking for help and being specific in his needs.....When we ask for help and work with others for the Lord's calling, we open doors that might have been impossible to open alone....Our Christian friendships allow us to use each other's God-given gifts to work together for His greater plan." --She Reads Truth

For several weeks, God has answered one of my questions clearly.

Should I say something, Lord?

"No, ZIP YOUR LIPS!  I am working on this right now."

I have sat back quietly.  Praying and praying.  Every day among my prayers, I would ask the same thing, every day I would get another scripture that says to stay still and be quiet.

This weekend, my prayers changed slightly asking God to put someone in my husband's life that will tell him what he is doing is wrong.  At church on Sunday, I prayed this over and over. I had these strong urges to talk to a couple of people who I thought would be a good person for this job, but when I asked God if this was where I was to speak, I didn't get an answer.  Since I had so clearly gotten an answer over and over again not to speak.  I knew I needed to wait for an answer to speak.

And today I read this devotional about Nehemiah asking for help.

Is it time, Lord, that I should speak?  And if so, whom shall I speak to for help?  Guide me, God.  Help me find the right person and tell me clearly this is who I am supposed to be asking for help.  Give me the courage and strength to ask them and give them an open and willing heart to help me.  Give them the courage to step in and tell their friend that what he is doing is wrong in your eyes, Lord.  Help them help me bring his heart out of darkness and back to the light.  I ask you all these things in your son's name, Amen.

Remember the Keys

This last week has been a tough one.  My faith has been attacked by the enemy.  My mind have been shrouded with doubt and resentment...and sadness.  My mind and heart have been in a constant battle leaving me feeling very weak and helpless.

I've slacked a little on my devotionals because of time constraints at home (this may be the window that the devil saw that let him creep in).  Even while getting attacked though, I have been able to keep expressing my faith to my children and to keep teaching them from the bible, which is good.  I've been praying fervently too.  Also a good sign.  Although my faith is being tested, I've been able to keep it.  In other times, I would just give up.

My tears have been flowing, and of course, God has heard me.  On Saturday night, I was watching a sermon from Destiny Christian Church in Arizona.  It was as if she was speaking directly to me in several instances.  This is the second week they are covering "God Speaks".

Wait, let me back track to earlier that day...or maybe it was Friday.  I had posted on Facebook that "I believe in miracles."  I used the status to say "out loud" that I believe God makes big moves and I believe He will.  I was speaking directly to the devil.  "You may be letting me sink in doubt and despair, devil, but I still believe!!!"  So there.

Back to the sermon..."Pray and believe the impossible!"  That's a direct quote from Pastor Melissa Witmer who was giving the message.  God speaks!

At the end of the message, Melissa stuck something in that wasn't completely having to do with the subject.  Although it was relevant in a roundabout way, it was kind of out of left field.  She said she felt like it was put on her heart to share it.  She spoke of a time that she was praying to God and feeling doubtful.  She had a sudden urge to ask for something material to reaffirm her faith.  And lo and behold, within 24 hours it was given to her.  The exact item she asked for.  A fellow pastor handed her an envelope saying God wanted her to give it to her.  And there it was!  Melissa finished by saying, "Remember these tokens that God gives to us to let you know that He is there."

Immediately, in bright bold letters in my brain, I saw "Remember the Keys!!!!!"  I let out a big sigh and thanked God for the reminder.  And now I want to put keys all over the place to remind me of my faith from now on.

You see, a week or so ago, I had grabbed my car keys to go run some errands.  As I walked out the door, I found that a chunk of my keys were gone.  The remote and key to the car I always drive were just not there.  I walked back into the  house and asked my husband if he had taken them off.  After he said no, we looked around on the floor under where my keys are normally hanging and we didn't find anything.  It's as if they just got up and walked away.  My husband said, "Maybe they just got off the ring and fell somewhere."  Really?  How do keys get off of a tight key ring on their own?  My mind went directly to believing that my husband had taken them from me.  That he was trying to take the car away from me and this was the first part of the divorce proceedings that I have been so desperately praying for to stop.  I felt my heart sink to my toes.

My husband handed me his key for the car and I went to run my errands.  While out, I prayed continuously asking God to please please please stop the divorce stuff.  Just as I had finished up my errands and was pulling into the driveway, I realized that I was praying the wrong thing. I sat behind the steering wheel and said, "God, I believe in your miracles and I know you are going to fix my marriage.  Please remove all doubt that I have surrounding my husband and let me walk into the house and see my keys immediately."

I got out of the car and kept saying the last part of that prayer over and over again.  I opened the door and there they were inside an empty bag that was hanging just below where the keys are kept.  It's not as if I purposefully looked into the bag.  My eyes just instinctively looked right in there as I walked in.  "Here I am," God said.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." --Matthew 7:7

Zip Your Lips!

I recently prayed to God asking if I should speak up.  Should I be telling my husband that I am sorry even though I said it over and over again?  Should I ask him if he still wants a divorce?  Should I give him more scriptures or devotionals that I have read that strongly imply that divorce is by all means not what God wants?  Should I stand up for myself and tell him the way he is treating me right now isn't really fair?  Should I tell him that I am hurt and confused and angry and sad and sorry....Should I be saying anything at all?

Over the last 3 days, the following scriptures have popped up in devotionals and books I have been reading, on my Facebook news feed, as the random "Scripture of the Day" on youversion...everywhere.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." --Exodus 14:14

"There is...a time for every purpose under heaven...a time to keep silence and a time to speak." --Ecclesiastes 3:1,7

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." --Proverbs 29:11

"Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God.  For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few."  --Ecclesiastes 5:2

"They, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives."  -1 Peter 3:1-2

There's more....I'm not even kidding here.  These scriptures made their way into what I have been reading.  I did not go look up "Does the bible say to stay silent?" or anything of the sort.  These randomly popped up in every day stuff. Every time I saw a verse about being silent, I marked it with "Zip Your Lips!"  An easy reminder when I flip through my notes that God is telling me to just keep to myself.

I hear ya, Lord!  Loud and clear!  Keep my mouth shut and let YOU do the work.

"There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two." --The Power of a Praying Wife

Strength and Tiny Blessings

Yesterday kind of sucked for me. It was Mother's Day, and I felt like I deserved a nice relaxing day off from everything.  Apparently, I was the only one who thought that as nothing was done around the house including feeding the kids.  I felt really unappreciated.  I felt punished.  I felt as though a few people in my life were being hateful and hurtful on purpose.

Around 5:30pm yesterday, I finally had enough of feeling like poo and went to visit a friend for a quick hug.  I told her that this was so hard.  One thing she said to me resonated in my head the rest of the night:

"Some day, God is going to say to you, 'Look how strong you were!'  And that will get you through the next trial."

I never thought about it like that.  So I thought back on all the times I have said before, "This is so hard. I can't do it."  And I got through and look at those moments in my life saying, "I was so strong." (Or rather, people remind me of them to show my strength as sometimes I'm just blinded to what I have accomplished.)

One day, God's going to use this time to help me get through another.

As if those words weren't encouraging enough, this morning in two separate devotionals by two separate authors and ministries God spoke to me.  Both expressed the importance of finding the little miracles where you are right now on the way to where I am going.  In other words, stop complaining about what is going wrong and focus on the little itty bitty things that make a day worthwhile.

Tiny blessing from yesterday:  I bought a pack of four colored pens (purple, blue, green, and orange).  For some reason that makes me happy.  Now my devotional notes look oh-so-pretty.

After reading those two devotionals (and all the others I read first thing in the morning), the very last one said this:

"Trials come to prove your strength in God!"

Thank you for speaking to me, Lord!

Drooling

I fasted for the first time religiously today. I don't know much about fasting--why we do it, if we are supposed to do it, what the importance of doing it is... But over the last two weeks I have had this feeling that I needed to do it. This feeling compounded with several "coincidental" scriptures and devotionals mentioning fasting in passing made me feel like God was calling me to do it.

Last weekend, I asked someone about it. They said you take something (not always food) away from yourself that is getting in the way of your relationship with God. That makes sense, right? What do you do first thing in the morning, check your Facebook page or read your devotionals? So fast from Facebook. I did that on Tuesday. Not Facebook because honestly it's not getting in the way of my relationship with God lately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it just makes me want to read my Bible. So I chose something that I put a lot of importance into, something that I often dealt with before reading the bible or praying.

It wasn't hard at all. It felt freeing and I did indeed spend more time reading the word. But it wasn't difficult. I asked God if I did it right. I didn't get a clear answer until I then decided that on Wednesday I would fast from food. I felt that if fasting from something else didn't feel right that going the old fashioned, in-the-Bible route would make a difference.

As soon as I made the choice to do that, the temptations flooded in. Wednesday my husband was planning a steak dinner (steak, potatoes, corn on the cob and rolls), so I told myself I would just fast the next day. Why waste a yummy steak dinner on a day that I'm fasting?! The next day I had to take the kids somewhere in the evening and knew that meant fast food (as opposed to fasting from food). Why torture myself with the smells of burgers and fries? Friday my son wanted to go out for lunch, couldn't pass that up. Saturday, my husband wanted to take the whole family out to lunch for Mother's Day. Again, who am I to pass up free food not prepared by myself?!

Each time I gave in to this whole "I'll fast tomorrow" game, I felt guilty. And what makes you feel guilty, folks? The devil! The enemy was tempting me to do something against what I had told God I was going to do. It wasn't so much the not-eating-food thing that was important. It was the I-made-a-promise-to-God-that-I-would-do-it thing! By giving in to the temptations that the devil laid in front of me, it was so easy to say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

By last night, I felt convicted to do what I said to God that I would do. And then God spoke! In a book I am reading about prayer, out of nowhere there is one sentence that says if there is a tough issue you are praying for and you need a breakthrough, fasting will make your prayers more effective. Now there was no mention of fasting before that and none after that. God just came right out and said, "Stop making excuses and fast!"

So I did.

Like I said, it's not about the not-eating thing. It's about not giving in to the temptations the devil lays out in front of you to make you do something that you told God you were going to do for Him. The donut holes (my favorite flavor too!) at church this morning, the half of a burger leftover by one of my kids at lunch this afternoon, the brownies sitting on the counter that I had made the night before, or that piece of chocolate that my daughter gave me to say Happy Mother's Day. That last one was difficult. She felt bad that she wasn't with me all day and that the day had sucked royally. All she wanted was to make me smile. Woo boy, that was a had one to turn down. Well played, devil. But I won.

And do you know how I won? Each and every time I felt tempted to eat something, I prayed. "God, keep me from evil and help me to do this one thing to show You that I am faithful." And He gave me strength. In fact, I really wasn't hungry all day besides those moments when I saw something delectable or thought about how easy it would be to just say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

I'm laying down to go to bed right now and happy to say I have not eaten a single bite (only drank water and tea) in 24 hours. I promised something to God and persevered passed the devil's temptations to deliver that promise. I showed my faith. At a time that I have been feeling weak, I showed that I can do this. My God is strong and so is my faith.

FMF: Comfort

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing. However, I never time myself. Why censor what is from the heart?

COMFORT

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. --2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

I'm actually surprised this is the prompt for today.  Well, not really, since God usually brings these things to me to make sure I make moves.

Yesterday, my sister sent me this link.  Go ahead, go read it.  I promise you won't be disappointed.  You can read this post first and the go read it.  I'm pretty sure you will be intrigued after you hear my words.

For years, I have suffered from chronic depression. I have been taking medications for 17 years (holy cow I feel old).  Even with the medications, life is hard.  I go through bouts of just not feeling right. It's very uncomfortable and confusing.  I have never been able to explain to anyone how this feels.  Not my family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, not even myself.

This unexplainable pain leads to frustration and anger for not being able to express what I am going through.  I wrote the following to my mom and sister after reading the blog linked above:

I read it and cried the whole time. I cannot tell you how much that says exactly how it feels. I have thought so many times that I just want to die so I don't have to do it anymore because it's so hard to try and try and try and get no where. And I'm not even talking about just this crap I am going through. I'm talking about life. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, and with no one understanding it, not even myself, I get so angry and agitated. I am so glad whoever this is wrote this so people can know somewhat of how it feels and how hard it is.

Now, let me move back just slightly.  I would never take my own life.  God has given me this life as a gift and who am I to take control of that.  BUT I will fully admit there have been times where I have felt so helpless that I have begged God to just let me leave this world so I didn't have to feel this way.  Of course, He never answered this prayer.  Why would He?  He has much better things for me...

Back to "comfort"...  What do you do when someone is feeling like this and you just don't get it (trust me, they don't either!!)?  If you've read the blog that I am speaking about (here's the link again), you'll know what I am talking about in this part of my email to my mom and sister:

About the dead fish...when I am so incredibly down and out, mom used to lay down with me in bed and just put her arms around me while I cried. That is the best thing ever for someone to do when they can't see the dead fish. That's kind of why I'm having such a hard time with mom and you so far away right now. All I want is to be held while I cry. No one can give me advice that will help, no one can do anything to make it better. Nothing will help. But that hug is basically the way I know you care without understanding.

I have had a lot of people in my life go through my bouts of depression and none of them knew what to do.  In all honesty, neither did I.  I didn't know what they could do to help me, to fix me.  Like I said above, I would get really angry at them because I felt that even though I was so confused, because they weren't going through it, they should some how know what to do.

I remember when I was 17, I had a therapist that I literally yelled at and told her that she didn't know how to do her job because I was spiraling into an abyss of nothingness.  She should have been able to save me, right?  Out of everyone in my life, she should know what to do!

I'm not writing this to tell you what to do in these situations.  I'm not claiming that I know what will work.  I'm not claiming that anything even works for myself really.  But if you have someone in your life that suffers from depression, please please PLEASE read that blog (<--linked it again, that's how important it is!!!).  Although it is so very very hard to understand (probably impossible), this will give you insight like no other.  And it's easy to read and kind of funny (the corn will make you smile).

Lastly, I'm going to give you a verse.  Although, like I said, nothing really helps, I find comfort in God's words that it will end soon and better things are yet to come.  God will give you that hug when no one else can.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

Battle of Wills

I sat outside my son's bedroom door for 45 minutes last night while he alternated yelling at me and softly apologizing and pleading with me to let him out.

He wasn't very good at an event last evening.  So as a consequence, he was not going to get ice cream like the rest of my children.  Upon getting this news, he decided to yell the words "Ice Cream" for ten minutes as we drove home from the event.

When we arrived home, I calmly said, "Now you have lost your privilege to stay up any longer (it was 730 anyway so bed time was near).  Go to your room."  He planted his feet into the ground and refused to move and said once again, "ICE CREAM!"  Without a word, I picked him up and carried him to his bedroom.  He grabbed anything we passed trying to stay put or throwing objects at me.  I placed him in his room and said, "You have not respected me this evening and therefore you will pay the consequence."  Then I closed the door.

Almost immediately, he opened it and said, "Haha! I can get out! I'm not staying in here!"  This was going to be a battle of wills, I could tell!  I gently pushed him back from the door and closed it again.  No words, just action.  This time I held the knob so he couldn't open it again.

He screamed at me about how I was an awful mom.  He kicked and punched the door, threw some toys at it too.  Then laid down on the floor and spoke to me from under the door. "Mommy, I want a hug and a kiss."  Trying to pull on my heartstrings, I see.

"You may come out and give me a hug and a kiss but then you will go back in and pay your consequence."

"But I am apologizing!  Please forgive me!"

"I forgive you, son, but you will still have to pay the consequence for your actions."

More screaming at me and hitting the door, more pleading for me to give in.

When he finally calmed down and it was evident he would stay in his room with out me sitting by the door, I opened it and said, "Son, God tells us in the Bible to respect our mothers.  You have had a hard time with that tonight and a lot lately.  You need to know that I will not tolerate that.  We all make mistakes, and luckily, God forgives us when we ask for forgiveness.  And God has also told us to forgive others as he has forgiven us, so I forgive you too.  But we still have to pay our consequences so we learn from our actions."

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." Ephesians 6:1

I'm proud of myself.  It took 45 minutes but he finally realized I wasn't going to just let him go.  And even more over, I didn't raise my voice or do anything that was mean/harmful.  I just stood my ground.  I prayed through the whole happening.  "God, give me strength to stand firm."

After the whole ordeal, I was completely exhausted. I got the other three kids up in their beds and then sat down at the computer to write about it and just started bawling.  I prayed some more, "God, give me a sign that I did the right thing."

And on Facebook, a few posts down on my newsfeed, was this:

"It may be hard, but the greater the difficulty, the greater the reward. When you sow a radical seed of obedience, you will reap a radical reward." --Joel Osteen Ministries

I let out a sigh of relief, and through my tears, thanked God for telling me what I needed to hear at that moment.

You will always look lovely!

Funny...I just wrote about this today...and then this showed up in my Facebook feed...

Thankful

Yesterday a friend of mine posted on Facebook about how Mondays ruin her weekends.  I heard on Family Life Radio a couple of weeks ago how they share blessings on Mondays to show that there is no reason to hate them so much.  So I commented on her status with something along those lines.  As a Christian woman, I kind of expected her to be all, "That's a good idea..." then share some blessings.  Not so much.  Too bad, her loss for not wanting to look on the bright side.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. --Philippians 4:8

God flat out says it in Philippians 4:8--positivity NOT negativity!  He doesn't say, "Think about the crappiest thing that's happening right now and then ruminate on how it is going to ruin your day.  Actually, it will probably ruin your week so go ahead and look all grumpy and spew negativity towards everyone you meet so their week sucks too."

Then He goes on to say:

...And the God of peace will be with you. --Philippians 4:9

So if I remember what is good, you will give me peace?  Thank you, Lord!

The other day I was feeling really down, so I posted on Facebook asking friends to share something that happened that day that was a blessing.  Many people participated with such experiences as simple as taking a shower without the kids barging in to getting kissed on the nose by their kiddo waking them up in the morning.  It was one of those posts that you knew everyone reading it was smiling.  And that warmed my heart.

I didn't dwell on the stuff that was happening that was hurting me so much.  Granted, as human as I am, that did come rushing back to me yesterday and I had a mini breakdown.  But in that moment, I learned to smile just by being positive.  If I can remember to look for the good in anything, then those smiles will come more frequently...and I will be at peace.

So what am I grateful for today:

• It is absolutely beautiful outside today!  I sat outside for a half hour this morning just listening to the birds sing.
• I got a hug this morning from someone I wasn't really expecting it from.  She knew I needed it though.  That meant a lot.
• I ate cake for breakfast. (*guilty grin*)
• My dog slept with me all night instead.  And not just at the foot of the bed, she was right against my body.  Something about that is just so loving.
• I finished a devotional series last night that I really liked.  Actually, I read 5 days of the series last night because I felt I needed to get fed.  Plus, it was good stuff I needed to hear yesterday.

The day is not nearly over yet (it's not even noon yet).  There will be so much more to be thankful for by the end of the day!

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.--1 Thessalonians 5:18

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last night, I was tucking my kids into bed.  As always they were each calling me back to their room for more attention, so I went between the three rooms with various conversations, stopping to pick books up in the hallway, found a pair of discarded jammie bottoms, and then closed each door.  As I did that, I noticed my daughter had put a new sign up on her door.  It simply reads: "Revelations 3:20"

Since I don't have the bible memorized I had to look it up:

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me."

She made me smile.

The last month and a half have been some of the hardest times of my life.  And through it all I am working so hard to walk back to God.  In doing so, I'm reading the bible constantly, praying about everything, and doing what God wants me to do in all things.  I've asked God to guide me and use me.

My kids have seen what I am doing.  Last week, my daughter found a kids' devotional book that I had bought for her at a yard sale two years ago.  Knowing how I read several devotionals a day, she asked if we could read it together each night.  The first night only she and her oldest brother joined.  The next night all four of them wanted to listen and to hear me pray.

She's begun falling asleep with the bible in her hands as she is fervently trying to read and understand God's word.  She's not understanding it yet, but that's not what matters.  What matters is the willingness to want to be God's child and to do what God is telling us to do.

I couldn't be prouder each night when I check on each of the kids when I go to bed.  They are all snuggled up in their beds snoozing away.  And there she is sleeping peacefully with the bible in her hands.  Through all of this hurting I am going through right now, God is using me to work on these precious children of mine.  Thank you, God!

Feed Me

Each morning, I get three devotionals delivered to my email inbox, I read six on my youversion app, and I have three more in my newsfeed on Facebook....I just finished the book "The Prayer of Jabez" and am reading "The Love Dare."

I'm addicted to the Word.

It's a good addiction, but I feel like I can't get enough. When I start feeling idle, I feel like I should read more. Or find a sermon to watch online. I feel like if I'm idle, I'm open to attacks by the devil. My mind wanders, I become self conscious, I start to get anxious and think of things that might be happening... It's scary.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just listen to my heart instead. My heart holds the love and that's all I want.

...and so I pray...

I not only read he word constantly, I pray all the time too. I'm constantly talking to God.

"Lord, calm my brain. Help me not to worry. Give me peace and comfort. Lord, guide me in your plan, use me to reach others. Make my words meaningful. Take away my jealousy and contempt. Fill me with love, Lord...."

I wonder if a time will come when I don't feel the constant need to redirect my attention to God. Will there be a time when I'm not so anxious anymore?

...and so I pray...

"Dear Lord, I know you will bring me to through this in your time. Please give me the patience and strength to persevere and make it there. And in the meantime, keep me shielded from the actions of the devil against me."

Amen.

Pray for the Enemy

There are 31,103 verses in the Bible.  I looked it up.  I wanted to know what the chances were that the same verses would show up in the several church sermons and devotionals I listen to and read daily.  1 verse in 31,103....wow...

So what was brought up to me several times between yesterday and today?  1) Shame; and 2) prayer for your enemy.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. --2 Timothy 2:15

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. --Psalm 25:1-3

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. --Psalm 31:1

I've been feeling not-good-enough for God lately.  And I've also been feeling like those reading my Facebook posts and/or hearing me speak of the word, devotionals, prayer, etc. are secretly laughing behind my back.  I wrote about the bravery of Paul when he was mocked and persecuted for his new found belief in the Lord the other day.  I assume as a human he felt the shame and guilt about his past too.  I'm sure the devil sat deep within him and threw these feelings up into his heart whenever he was about to speak of the glory of Jesus.  Just like me...

Yesterday, I was feeling rather hurt and angry about someone who I feel doesn't like me right now intentionally being hateful and hurtful.  Of course, I don't know that as truth but I was feeling it.  Actually, there are many people I'm feeling are doing that right now.  Then I start thinking about what they must be thinking about me in my walk back to God.  "Who does she think she is sharing Bible verses on Facebook?  Shame on her.  She's so two-faced."  I don't know if they are really saying this or thinking it, but that brings up so much shame in me.

Last night, I was having hateful thoughts towards these people.  But each time, I caught myself and said, "No, you need to pray for these thoughts to be taken right out of you as they do not portray what is in your heart."

Then this morning, one devotional spoke of Nehemiah rebuilding the wall in Jerusalem and how Sanballat and Tobiah ridiculed him and the Jews for the work they were doing. Nehemiah took what they were saying and did this:

Hear us, our God, for we are despised. Turn their insults back on their own heads. Give them over as plunder in a land of captivity. Do not cover up their guilt or blot out their sins from your sight, for they have thrown insults in the face of the builders. --Nehemiah 4:4-5

He prayed for the persecutors.  He asked God to show them what they are doing.  He didn't yell obscenities back at them. Nope, he said, "God, I will only make things worse if I speak right now, can you please handle this?"

And then this morning in church, the lesson was about this:

[Jesus Said] "You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." --Matthew 5:38-42

And he goes on to say:

"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." --Matthew 5:44

What?  So, Jesus, you are telling me that when someone hurts me, when any of those people make me feel shameful, I should walk away and then get on my knees and pray that you will bless them?

Clearly, God was working on me.  He not only gave these verses to me once, but he made sure I heard them over and over today.  He wanted to make sure that I got it and that I would do it.

I'm telling you, if you don't think God speaks, you are crazy.  There are 31,103 verses in the Bible, and through three devotionals and a church sermon, all of which have no correlation with each other what-so-ever, the same themes were preached upon in the last 24 hours.  He's speaking to me.

FMF: Brave

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

BRAVE

I've been likening myself to Saul/Paul lately.  If you don't know the story, Saul was one of the leaders against all those who followed Christ.  He was a murderous and hateful individual.  One day as Saul was traveling to Damascus where he is going to seek permission to arrest any Christians and take them back to Jerusalem to stand trial, the lord literally opens up the sky and speaks to him:

He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” --Acts 9:4

Saul had such a great responsibility in the construction of Christianity all over the world that the lord asked him personally "What the heck are you doing?"  God then makes him blind and tells him he must go see Ananias in order to see again.  Saul is obedient and sure enough scales fall from his eyes and he could see again.

Saul was converted to Paul and became one of the foremost leaders of the Christian church preaching to everyone about Jesus Christ.  The thing is, no one believed him.  Here we have an awful human being saying he was now following Christ.  He was persecuted for his beliefs and his life was even threatened.  He eventually ended up in jail because of his undying faithfulness to the lord.

Now I personally am not a murderer by any means...and I'm not saying I'm a saint either.  My point is that God took a horrible beast and made him one of his own.  God loves everyone and anyone can be changed in God's love.  Even me.

Paul preached to those who didn't believe him.  That's pretty brave of him.  He stood up against all odds to show his love and commitment to Christ, and he never backed down.

I know right now a lot of people are looking at me saying I am "just acting."  They don't believe that I am a changed person.  They don't believe that my life is now dedicated to my love of Christ and my obedience to God.  As an earthly being, this is difficult to face.  As a spiritual daughter, God gives me the bravery I need to continue on because I ask for it.

Paul preached the gospel to many nations and is seen as one of the most important people in the bible and all because he just wouldn't stand down to the people who did not believe he had changed.

Do not be anxious about anything...

My stomach did one of those flip flop things today.  Where you feel like the weight of the world is on you and some impending doom is coming your way.  You know what I'm talking you, the kind of moment where you immediately have to poop.(Admit it, you know what I'm talking about.)

The last several times I have had this feeling in the last two months, something bad did happen.  Am I psychic?  Or was I just feeling the devil laughing as he caught me in a weak moment and knew he had gotten to me...

Whatever it is, I hate that feeling.  Of course, I usually end up teary eyed and expect the hammer to drop at anytime (after I poop, that is).  This will take all the enjoyment out of any day.  Even if something bad doesn't happen, I sit there waiting for it and feeling like crap all day (no pun intended).

Today, when it hit me, first I pooped, but then I went to Google.  "What does the Bible say about anxiety?"  As trusty as ever, Google gave me a plethora of examples where God says in the Bible that worrying about something is not necessary for it's in His hands.  

When I find a scripture that fits my moment, I will usually read it out loud to myself, then more times than not, I will share it on Facebook.  I feel like if I needed it at that moment, someone else probably needs to hear it too.  I shared this one:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

I was right.  At least one person did need to hear it because she thanked me for posting it.

My tummy trouble went away quickly after I posted the scripture.  I also dove into the word a little deeper and read another devotional (the 7th one I read today), and then I went online to find a church sermon I could watch.  I've said it before and I know I will say it again, but as soon as I let time be idle the devil gets into my head and makes for a very unpleasant feeling.  So it was essential that while I was waiting until I had an appointment this afternoon, I needed to occupy that time with God.

My appointment was with a Pastor from our church.  Our head pastor I can't talk to right now.  He said it himself, "I'm too close to the situation to be able to counsel you."  So I went to his dad instead.  I love the depth of his knowledge of the Bible and his wife is one of the best prayer warriors I have ever met.  They welcomed me into their home to let me talk and to give me spiritual guidance during this difficult time.  Thank you, God, for giving them to me!

Then as I was leaving their home, I turned on my car and on the radio I heard, "Philippians 4:6-7.  Do not be anxious about anything...."  God really wanted me to get that point today.

FMF: Friend

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing.  However, I never time myself.  Why censor what is from the heart?

FRIEND

The other day I had made an appointment with one of my friends to get a haircut.  I haven't talked to her with more than just a couple words since the fall so she had no idea what I have been going through lately.  

As many do when they first see you, she said, "How have you been?"  What a loaded question....

Well...this has happened and then that, oh and then the doctor said this, and I have to go do this...  She was absolutely stunned at all the trials and tribulations I have right now.  "When it rains, it pours..."  And for me it monsoons and wipes you out to sea where sharks circle around you and pelicans poop on your head.

I got teary a little bit in explaining what is going on.  I felt heavy and depressed.  When you put it all out there, each and every little thing that is plaguing you at the moment, it looks pretty huge and getting passed it looks impossible.  

"Geez, girl!"  That's what she said.  Really that's the only response you can make after hearing about someone's woes when life is falling apart around them.

But then she finished with my haircut, blow dried my hair (while I almost fell asleep because it felt so good), then I stood up to pay her.  "No," she said.  "You needed this."  I cried.  She hugged me tight and said she loved me and just wanted to see me smile.  

At that moment, it was exactly what I needed.  God took a moment where I was feeling completely overwhelmed and like nothing was possible and gave me a little ray of sunshine.  It wasn't that I didn't have to pay for my haircut.  It was that a friend cared about me enough to want to see me smile.  She wanted to make my day a little brighter because she knew these moments were few and far between right now.  It meant so much to me. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" -- 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Worn

I had a really awful two days last week. I was so depressed and ended up crying at just about anything and everything. I was feeling very much like giving up.

Saturday I woke up feeling renewed and asked god to help me focus solely on the good. I spent all day with my kids enjoying the beautiful weather. I smiled and laughed and felt lots of love and joy. It was a good day.

Sunday and Monday weren't bad either. I didn't feel the heaviness and despair. I felt strong. I felt like I could do this.

Then there's today. I don't know if I'm extra tired or had too much time to think or what but I feel down. Every time something negative pops into my head I turn to god. We've been having a running conversation all day.

About an hour ago I got to a point where I got teary eyed because of this heavy feeling. I asked god to hug me. A minute later the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio.

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

This song literally took words out of my mouth...or not my mouth but my head.  It's a beautiful song and reminded me that no matter how tired I get in this fight I still need to turn to God.  It also reminded me that I'm not alone.  Others are right there fighting the same fight I am.  Just because I am weak from time to time does not mean that I'm not good enough.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." --Romans 12:12

One last thing I want to say before I sign off. I realized recently that while I drive anywhere (and I have to drive a lot with bringing the kids to their activities and appointments and my own appointments lately) the devil attacks me most.  He puts negative thoughts into my head.  I worry, I resent, I just all around start feeling craptacular.  I started listening to Family Life Radio now whenever I am in the car in order to put these feelings at bay.  As soon as I start getting attacked by the devil, I just concentrate on the music and the words and I can feel God fighting off the negative intrusions.  Also, God speaks to me quite often through the songs (as he did above).  Going through something tough too?  Try it.