Where are they now?

Oh, my friends, I have so much to say right now.  I could probably write ten different blogs on different subjects.  But I will start with an update...

So where are we in this journey?

First, I'd like to say that I no longer want to or need to stay anonymous.  My name is Taylor.  I have no secrets.  And if my husband and/or his family see this blog, I don't care.  They should learn a thing or two anyway.

In November, we had a pre-hearing where our lawyers discussed things in order to petition the judge for what we each wanted. I didn't ask for anything.  I didn't just "lay down and take it".  I knew what I was doing. I trusted God to make sure that He would make Luke give me what I was due.  And if he didn't, I knew He would sustain us no matter what.  After all, who are we to ask the unrighteous for help before we ask God?

"When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life! So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers" --1 Corinthians 6:1-5

I didn't "get" much.  I got my car.  And we basically agreed that I could take anything in the house that I wanted.  But I didn't take much either.  Like I said, I knew God would provide. I just took what I needed.  I didn't want to fight, not that I really think he would have. But I just didn't care to try either.  It wasn't worth it to cause a fuss.

So I moved out on December first with my youngest and my oldest (she's mine anyway, so he doesn't get her).  Before you say, "How can you split the kids?!?!"  It was just what worked for us.  Growing up in a broken home, I resented my father so much because I was forced to go visit him when I didn't want to.  My ten year old daughter doesn't enjoy going to her biological father's house as much as she should because she feels obligated to go.  I didn't want my kids to grow up with that.  And since my youngest (who has had extensive medical problems that I have taken care of since birth) is closer to me, and my oldest son listens to dad better, it just worked out that two of my sons live with dad full time and my other son and daughter live with me.  We have no formal parenting time arrangement either.  We go by our work schedules and we let the kids decide when they want to see us.  It's worked well for the last month.  I see my boys almost every day if just for a moment, but more often much longer.  We are doing well...I think anyway.  I know my kids are not completely doing alright because their family was just torn apart, but we are getting by.

According to the courts, the divorce will be final in February.  No specific date yet, but that's what I was told after our pre-trial thing in November.  It broke my heart.  I cried through the whole thing.  I must have looked like a blubbering idiot to the judge, my husband and his lawyer.  Actually, I bet my lawyer was taken aback too.  It's like I had no control over it though. It just flowed. I prayed extensively for the crying not to happen, but it did.  I wasn't scared or worried, just sad.  It hurt to hear my husband say to the judge that our marriage was beyond repair when he didn't even try.

But that's a moot point now. I've been out of the house for a month.  And I feel good.  Life isn't perfect, but I'm doing it with only the help of God.  That's all I need.

Last night, it came to my attention that my husband blocked me on Facebook.  Now it's not like I was even talking to him through that or harassing him or even looking at his page.  He just out of no where blocked me.  Didn't change our relationship status, didn't "hide" me, didn't just de-friend me.  No, he blocked me.  Seems extreme, and shocking, and hurtful, doesn't it?  I cried, I puked, I shook and yelled obscenities out to myself in my house (which I have worked hard not to do over the last nine months).  I prayed.  And I freaked out.  I ended up calling my mom on Skype and talked to her for an hour and a half.  I confessed a lot.  Many many things that have happened in our marriage.  Things that I have not told anyone in order to keep my husband's reputation in our community and church intact.  I felt better afterwards and I came to a decision....

I took my wedding ring off, and decided I'm done praying for restoration.  I do want restoration for my marriage. I do want my husband back and my family to be together.  But this is not my husband.  He is so far gone in hurt and anger that he is making awful, sinful, hurtful choices.  I want restoration, but not with this man. I want salvation for my husband before anything else.  And right now, I need to hand him to God to work on, because all he's doing is tearing me apart.  So my prayers from now on will focus on what God is doing in me, and maybe every once in a while I will pray for his heart.  But not our marriage. It needs to die before it's resurrected. (See Bigger Miracles)

So that's where I am now.  I'm doing alright.  In fact, read this:  "I am more 'Me' than I have been in forever..."  I can do this.  God's got it!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." --Philippians 4:13

Bigger Miracles

Anyone can heal a man, but raising him from the dead?  Now that takes a bigger miracle.

Jesus had a friend named Lazarus.  He was very ill, so his sister, Martha, sent for Jesus.  "Lord, the one you love is sick." (John 11:3)  He loved him.  And although he knew his cherished friend was dying, he stayed where he was for two more days.

Why did he do that?  Lazarus was very ill, on his deathbed.  And Jesus loved him....he LOVED him.  Why did he wait if he knew that he was so close to death?

Lazarus died.  Jesus already knew that.  He waited the two days so that Lazarus would die.  What?  Didn't we just establish that he loved him??

"So then he told them plainly, 'Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe." -John 11:14-15

By the time they got to Lazarus, he had already been in the tomb for four days.  I tried to look up how long he was actually dead before Jesus got there, but Google frustrated me, so I gave up.  BUT think about it.  In this day and age, funerals are typically 4ish days after death.  Who knows about back in those times, but I would assume they had to take some time to prepare the tomb and the body before it was buried.  So Lazarus was dead probably about a whole week before Jesus got there.  Now we have established that Lazarus was not just barely dead, but completely dead....a week's worth of dead.

"'Lord,' Martha said to Jesus, 'if you had been here, my brother would not have died." -John 11:21

Martha and Mary (her sister) were mad.  They knew he could have gotten there before he died, but he didn't.  In fact, Mary wouldn't even come out to greet Jesus when he arrived she was so upset with him.  

Jesus cried for his beloved friend.  Everyone around him saw how much he loved Lazarus.  But still they were so confused as to why he waited to come.  Why would a man that can heal a blind stranger not come running to save the life of his dear friend?

Martha and Mary took Jesus to Lazarus' tomb and when Jesus said to remove the stone, Martha protested that her very dead brother would stink.  But Jesus had bigger miracles for those who believed.

"Then Jesus looked up and said, 'Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me." -John 11:41-42

After he spoke, his completely dead friend walked out of the tomb.

Like I said, anyone can heal a man, but it takes a bigger miracle to raise him from the dead.  Jesus knew what he was doing the whole time.  He knew his friend would die, and he knew he would bring him back to life.  He knew that they would be sad that he got there too late, but he knew raising him from the dead would make them believe more than healing him would.

Have you ever caught yourself in a really big trial in your life and wondered why God was taking so long to heal you?  It's because He has a bigger miracle to show you, to show the world.  He's waiting for the right moment to raise you from the dead because that is bigger than what you expect Him to do.  And when that bigger miracle happens, when you see the "glory of God" (v.40), you have no choice but to believe.