Waiting for Boaz

I can give you a million excuses as to why I've only written once in the last year.  But it's between me and God.  At this point though, if I have any readers, do me a favor and keep me accountable. I'm diving back into daily devotionals, and writing after reading was always a way for me to really let it sink in.  So if you don't hear from me in a while, holler at me, not because you are dying to read my thoughts (even though I know you are, obviously), but because you want my walk with God to be as strong as ever.

Now on to the subject matter at hand...

I was at church a few weeks ago and stopped afterwards to chat with Rachael, a long time friend of mine.  We talked about finances mostly. I'm a single mom of four kids who has taken time off from working to give one of my struggling sons the time and attention he needs to function properly.  It's tough, but I'm getting by.  My faith hasn't faltered. Through all of this, I still know God's got this.  No. Matter. What.

After chatting, she asked if she could pray for me.  "Of course!" I said enthusiastically.  I love it when she prays!  It's moving.  You can feel the spirituality flow through you.  And for some reason, I always feel like her words to God pack such a huge punch in that moment.  I always come out of it feeling like something was heard. I know God always hears me, and you, and anyone praying, but there's just something about Rachael's words and how she presents them.

She started off the prayer thanking God for bringing me back to my home church, the one I went to in high school, which is why we were sitting together catching up in the first place.  She expressed how we are faithful in the fact that we know He holds my finances in His hands.  She asked God to open doors for me for specific opportunities that I wish to keep between myself, Rachael, and God for right now.  Then all of a sudden she stopped as if something came to realization.  As if someone standing next to her whispered into her ear that that wasn't what I needed prayers for at all...

She continued by asking God to not make me lonely anymore.  Something that we had not talked about once in our conversation, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because that, my friends, is what I am struggling with most right now.  Tears streamed down my face as she compared me to Ruth and asked God to bring me my Boaz.  Her words swirled around me and I felt lighter.  God knew I needed to hear that before I fell once again.

Now skip forward to a few nights ago....

I was lying in bed feeling quite forlorn. Bedtime is usually when this hits me the hardest.  I tuck my kids, my only daily company, in their beds, and there I am left to sit alone, to entertain myself, to comfort myself to sleep.  The weightiness of the desolation is painful at times.  I drown out the sorrow with TV and often sleeping medications because I just do not want to face it.

This night, however, I decided I needed to read the Bible instead.  The word "Boaz" echoed in my ears as I picked up my iPad and opened up the YouVersion app. I've read the book of Ruth before, but never really studied it. So I decided to look for a plan that focused on one chapter of Ruth each day.  I found one, clicked on it, and felt like God was smacking me in the face!

"Like Ruth, stay in your field and be faithful where you have been planted.  Remain where God has placed you. Don't stray away from the field that God has put you in for this season just to go into another field where you will be out of His will (Ruth 2:8-9)."

I've been wondering where God wants me right now because I feel lost where I am.  He answers so blatantly with such conviction sometimes!

But there's more...

"Ladies:  WAIT FOR YOUR BOAZ"

Just that one simple sentence.  "Wait for your Boaz."  I have little to no patience ever.  In all situations, I want what I want and I want it now.  I often go looking for what I want and find a variation of it ending up settling for what's not right for me because I'm too impatient to wait for what God intends.

God clearly shouted this at me when I needed to hear it most.  I mean, seriously, this was in all caps in the devotional. He makes me chuckle sometimes.

So I will wait....impatiently.  But I know it's what's best.  All of this has happened for a reason.  I know that when Boaz finally finds me, it will be better than anything because it is what God intends.  Marriage means a completely different thing to me now.

And as my mom said to me earlier this month:  "God is working on him before he brings him to you."

Bitter Party

From a pity party to a bitter party...

I don't know what is eating at me, but I am so grumpy.  I'm really irritable.  Little things are annoying me so much.  I have this knot in my chest and feel overwhelmed by this anger, and I don't even know where it's coming from.

Nothing has changed in the major situation I have been in for the last several months.  No one has done anything different.  No more moves have been made.  No more words have been said.

Yet for the past two weeks I have just been all around angry.  Angry at the world again.  Am I stuck on the Angry-Go-Round?  I don't even know what I'm angry about. I'm just so....ARGH!

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. --Ephesians 4:31

I am trying, Lord, but I don't even know where it's coming from.  Please just cleanse me of this desire to hate everything and everyone.  Please relax my body, my mind, and my heart.  Loosen my clenched jaw and release my furrowed brow.  Help me to take deep breaths and feel good.  Fill me with your love and let it pour out of me.  Make it fill me so much that there is no room for anger, resentment, irritability.  During this time, help me to keep my mouth shut.  Let nothing flow from me but your love. Let no one see how dark I am inside right now.

I have come so far in the last five months and I feel it all slipping away because of the last few weeks where I have just felt so negative.  I can't let that happen. I won't.

One of those moments...

I'm having one of those sad moments.  The ones that come out of nowhere and overtake you.  The ones where tears just fall from your eyes and you don't even know why.  Well, I guess I know why, I just don't know why it started.

The ones where you just say, "Please, God...." and cry.

He hears my heart and He knows I am hurting.  I don't have to say anything because He knows.

"...We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." ~Romans 8:26

It's comforting to know that in times like these all I have to say is, "God, hear my cries and know what I need."  I don't even know...

I just need to trust in Him and His promises.

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today." Exodus 14:13

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58

Just. Keep. Standing.

"Love never fails..." - 1 Corinthians 13:8

Drooling

I fasted for the first time religiously today. I don't know much about fasting--why we do it, if we are supposed to do it, what the importance of doing it is... But over the last two weeks I have had this feeling that I needed to do it. This feeling compounded with several "coincidental" scriptures and devotionals mentioning fasting in passing made me feel like God was calling me to do it.

Last weekend, I asked someone about it. They said you take something (not always food) away from yourself that is getting in the way of your relationship with God. That makes sense, right? What do you do first thing in the morning, check your Facebook page or read your devotionals? So fast from Facebook. I did that on Tuesday. Not Facebook because honestly it's not getting in the way of my relationship with God lately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it just makes me want to read my Bible. So I chose something that I put a lot of importance into, something that I often dealt with before reading the bible or praying.

It wasn't hard at all. It felt freeing and I did indeed spend more time reading the word. But it wasn't difficult. I asked God if I did it right. I didn't get a clear answer until I then decided that on Wednesday I would fast from food. I felt that if fasting from something else didn't feel right that going the old fashioned, in-the-Bible route would make a difference.

As soon as I made the choice to do that, the temptations flooded in. Wednesday my husband was planning a steak dinner (steak, potatoes, corn on the cob and rolls), so I told myself I would just fast the next day. Why waste a yummy steak dinner on a day that I'm fasting?! The next day I had to take the kids somewhere in the evening and knew that meant fast food (as opposed to fasting from food). Why torture myself with the smells of burgers and fries? Friday my son wanted to go out for lunch, couldn't pass that up. Saturday, my husband wanted to take the whole family out to lunch for Mother's Day. Again, who am I to pass up free food not prepared by myself?!

Each time I gave in to this whole "I'll fast tomorrow" game, I felt guilty. And what makes you feel guilty, folks? The devil! The enemy was tempting me to do something against what I had told God I was going to do. It wasn't so much the not-eating-food thing that was important. It was the I-made-a-promise-to-God-that-I-would-do-it thing! By giving in to the temptations that the devil laid in front of me, it was so easy to say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

By last night, I felt convicted to do what I said to God that I would do. And then God spoke! In a book I am reading about prayer, out of nowhere there is one sentence that says if there is a tough issue you are praying for and you need a breakthrough, fasting will make your prayers more effective. Now there was no mention of fasting before that and none after that. God just came right out and said, "Stop making excuses and fast!"

So I did.

Like I said, it's not about the not-eating thing. It's about not giving in to the temptations the devil lays out in front of you to make you do something that you told God you were going to do for Him. The donut holes (my favorite flavor too!) at church this morning, the half of a burger leftover by one of my kids at lunch this afternoon, the brownies sitting on the counter that I had made the night before, or that piece of chocolate that my daughter gave me to say Happy Mother's Day. That last one was difficult. She felt bad that she wasn't with me all day and that the day had sucked royally. All she wanted was to make me smile. Woo boy, that was a had one to turn down. Well played, devil. But I won.

And do you know how I won? Each and every time I felt tempted to eat something, I prayed. "God, keep me from evil and help me to do this one thing to show You that I am faithful." And He gave me strength. In fact, I really wasn't hungry all day besides those moments when I saw something delectable or thought about how easy it would be to just say, "Eh, I'll do it tomorrow."

I'm laying down to go to bed right now and happy to say I have not eaten a single bite (only drank water and tea) in 24 hours. I promised something to God and persevered passed the devil's temptations to deliver that promise. I showed my faith. At a time that I have been feeling weak, I showed that I can do this. My God is strong and so is my faith.

Feed Me

Each morning, I get three devotionals delivered to my email inbox, I read six on my youversion app, and I have three more in my newsfeed on Facebook....I just finished the book "The Prayer of Jabez" and am reading "The Love Dare."

I'm addicted to the Word.

It's a good addiction, but I feel like I can't get enough. When I start feeling idle, I feel like I should read more. Or find a sermon to watch online. I feel like if I'm idle, I'm open to attacks by the devil. My mind wanders, I become self conscious, I start to get anxious and think of things that might be happening... It's scary.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just listen to my heart instead. My heart holds the love and that's all I want.

...and so I pray...

I not only read he word constantly, I pray all the time too. I'm constantly talking to God.

"Lord, calm my brain. Help me not to worry. Give me peace and comfort. Lord, guide me in your plan, use me to reach others. Make my words meaningful. Take away my jealousy and contempt. Fill me with love, Lord...."

I wonder if a time will come when I don't feel the constant need to redirect my attention to God. Will there be a time when I'm not so anxious anymore?

...and so I pray...

"Dear Lord, I know you will bring me to through this in your time. Please give me the patience and strength to persevere and make it there. And in the meantime, keep me shielded from the actions of the devil against me."

Amen.

Power of Prayer

A few years ago, I was at our local grocery store in the teeny tiny town that we live in.  As I was putting the groceries into the trunk of my car, I was approached by 4 individuals that asked if they could pray for me.  I interrupted them and told them I was a believer and already went to church.  I told them I didn't need saving and they should find someone else to pray for.  They told me that earlier that morning they had a prayer meeting asking God to show them who to pray for.  During this prayer, one of the young ladies wrote down four things that God put on her heart--groceries, pink shirt and brown sandals, and marriage.  That was me.

Now granted, they could have just saw me at the grocery store in my pink shirt and brown sandals and then made this up. But the main thing that made me catch my breath was "marriage".  How did they know I needed prayer for my marriage?

At the time, I let them pray over me.  And I cried.  In that moment, it touched me and I knew God was speaking to me.  But I didn't listen.  Although I knew this was a moment God was using to give me what I needed, although I was convicted and felt in my heart the right thing was to turn to God and fix what was broken, I didn't do anything about it.

I went to a friend's church today.  I have felt like I don't fit at my church anymore since this recent development in my life.  I don't want to go in detail about why, but it just doesn't feel right, not right now.  I am sure I will go back eventually, but at this time, I believe that God is telling me I need a different place that will make me feel God completely.

The message was good.  I needed to hear it.  It reaffirmed my walk right now.  I can do this, because I have God.

"Even if an army gathers against me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if war rises against me, I will be sure of You." --Psalm 27:3

But I still felt incomplete upon leaving the church.  I was driving home, and right as I got to my house, instead of pulling into my driveway, I remembered those prayer warriors that found me in that parking lot that day.  So I went to that church.  Their service had ended, everyone had left.  The only people that were still there were three of the four that prayed for me that day.  I told them about it and all of them remembered.  Immediately they hugged me and asked to pray for me again.  I sat and they talked to me and prayed for me for 20 minutes.  Before I left, they gave me their personal cell phone numbers and their email addresses and said not to ever hesitate to contact them at any moment that I felt weak.

Thank you, God!  I needed them right now!  I feel loved by a lot of people, don't get me wrong, but I needed a body of believers that were so unbiased about what is going on in my life and were so connected with God that they were drawn to me knowing this was going to happen even years before it did.  They've been praying for me ever since.  Never knew my name, never knew my life, just knew I needed it.  And here I am.

"Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." --Matthew 18:19