Waiting for Boaz

I can give you a million excuses as to why I've only written once in the last year.  But it's between me and God.  At this point though, if I have any readers, do me a favor and keep me accountable. I'm diving back into daily devotionals, and writing after reading was always a way for me to really let it sink in.  So if you don't hear from me in a while, holler at me, not because you are dying to read my thoughts (even though I know you are, obviously), but because you want my walk with God to be as strong as ever.

Now on to the subject matter at hand...

I was at church a few weeks ago and stopped afterwards to chat with Rachael, a long time friend of mine.  We talked about finances mostly. I'm a single mom of four kids who has taken time off from working to give one of my struggling sons the time and attention he needs to function properly.  It's tough, but I'm getting by.  My faith hasn't faltered. Through all of this, I still know God's got this.  No. Matter. What.

After chatting, she asked if she could pray for me.  "Of course!" I said enthusiastically.  I love it when she prays!  It's moving.  You can feel the spirituality flow through you.  And for some reason, I always feel like her words to God pack such a huge punch in that moment.  I always come out of it feeling like something was heard. I know God always hears me, and you, and anyone praying, but there's just something about Rachael's words and how she presents them.

She started off the prayer thanking God for bringing me back to my home church, the one I went to in high school, which is why we were sitting together catching up in the first place.  She expressed how we are faithful in the fact that we know He holds my finances in His hands.  She asked God to open doors for me for specific opportunities that I wish to keep between myself, Rachael, and God for right now.  Then all of a sudden she stopped as if something came to realization.  As if someone standing next to her whispered into her ear that that wasn't what I needed prayers for at all...

She continued by asking God to not make me lonely anymore.  Something that we had not talked about once in our conversation, but it hit me like a ton of bricks because that, my friends, is what I am struggling with most right now.  Tears streamed down my face as she compared me to Ruth and asked God to bring me my Boaz.  Her words swirled around me and I felt lighter.  God knew I needed to hear that before I fell once again.

Now skip forward to a few nights ago....

I was lying in bed feeling quite forlorn. Bedtime is usually when this hits me the hardest.  I tuck my kids, my only daily company, in their beds, and there I am left to sit alone, to entertain myself, to comfort myself to sleep.  The weightiness of the desolation is painful at times.  I drown out the sorrow with TV and often sleeping medications because I just do not want to face it.

This night, however, I decided I needed to read the Bible instead.  The word "Boaz" echoed in my ears as I picked up my iPad and opened up the YouVersion app. I've read the book of Ruth before, but never really studied it. So I decided to look for a plan that focused on one chapter of Ruth each day.  I found one, clicked on it, and felt like God was smacking me in the face!

"Like Ruth, stay in your field and be faithful where you have been planted.  Remain where God has placed you. Don't stray away from the field that God has put you in for this season just to go into another field where you will be out of His will (Ruth 2:8-9)."

I've been wondering where God wants me right now because I feel lost where I am.  He answers so blatantly with such conviction sometimes!

But there's more...

"Ladies:  WAIT FOR YOUR BOAZ"

Just that one simple sentence.  "Wait for your Boaz."  I have little to no patience ever.  In all situations, I want what I want and I want it now.  I often go looking for what I want and find a variation of it ending up settling for what's not right for me because I'm too impatient to wait for what God intends.

God clearly shouted this at me when I needed to hear it most.  I mean, seriously, this was in all caps in the devotional. He makes me chuckle sometimes.

So I will wait....impatiently.  But I know it's what's best.  All of this has happened for a reason.  I know that when Boaz finally finds me, it will be better than anything because it is what God intends.  Marriage means a completely different thing to me now.

And as my mom said to me earlier this month:  "God is working on him before he brings him to you."

God Speaks

Last night, I lay in bed fraught with anxiety and depression over my current situation.  Seems like nights are the hardest.  Going to bed, I get flooded with emotion and cry and cry.  And sleep evades me which is torturous because I feel that if only sleep would come, I wouldn't feel.  If I could sleep through this distress, I would....but that's not possible.

I digress...

So I lay in bed crying after reading for an hour and a half multiple devotionals and scriptures on topics I chose.  I lay there feeling so empty and lost and hopeless.  I cried and I said aloud, "God, I have been praying to you nonstop for 2.5 weeks now and I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over.  I don't know what to pray for, I don't know what is right.  I just want you to speak to me."  Within minutes, I fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up grateful for a new day.  Grateful that the night, the hardest part, was over.  Grateful that I could fill my time (and thus my mind) with busy work so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.  After I got my kids around and they were off to school, I sat down with my iPad and started reading the newsfeed.  Probably the third post down was a daily devotional that I had just recently subscribed to.  The first word I saw was "Compassion".  My heart skipped a beat as I remembered that just the night before in my frantic search of devotionals and scriptures to help me sleep, I had looked up the word "Compassion". 

com·pas·sion /kəmˈpaSHən/ (Noun) Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others

I read the devotional and felt immediately like God was speaking to me.

" 'It doesn’t end at the beginning.' While Saul’s story begins with hatred, vengeance and violence, that is not the end of his story.

Through Christ, Saul becomes Paul and ends up as one of the greatest missionaries this world has ever seen. While his beginning was dark, through Christ, his ending was filled with light.

This is true for our lives too. No matter how we came into this world, or how we have acted in the past, that is not our final chapter.

 Through Christ we can bring life, hope and love into our world so that others can also experience this brighter future."

You see, I feel like I'm an awful person.  I have walked away from God. I have filled myself with anger and resentment.  I have been mean and hurtful towards people I love.  I have not been walking a Christian life.  And I lay in bed last night crying asking God to speak to me and He literally thrusts this in my face(book).

God loves me and forgives me because He has compassion.  And no matter how bad it gets, I need to remember that I can change if I walk with Him.  I've been asking God to forgive me these last couple of weeks. I have been asking him to change me and right when I feel hopeless, right when I ask him to speak to me...He does.