Been A While

Yes, yes it has....

I last wrote in August.  That was one of the hardest months for me.  I hit a pretty significant low in this whole divorce adventure.  I actually contemplated suicide, which I only told one person and I am sure now if my mom is reading this, she's flipping out.  Don't worry.  I'm ok.  And I made a promise to myself ages ago that if the thought of dying to get out of life's pains ever came back in my head, I would tell someone.  Only one person though.  And they would help me.  So we're good.  No worries.

At any rate, that's how low I was.  After that I wrote this blog: Seek Ye First.  I took that very seriously.  God clearly spoke to me saying that I wasn't putting Him first in my life.  I am proud to say since that happened, I have read devotionals first thing every morning every day ever since.  But that's not all.  I really seriously put God first in everything.  I talk to God before I go to a friend when I am sad, mad, confused, etc.  I ask God for help when I don't know what to do.  I make sure nothing comes before Him and my relationship with Him and my need to learn more from Him.  God is everything.  As He should be.

After that blog post though, I kept thinking to myself that writing every day on this journey, filling my fans in on epiphanies I was having, having profound things to say about devotionals or my readings in the Bible, all that stuff was part of me seeking God.  But it wasn't.  I was seeking attention. I really wanted more readers.  I wanted to inspire others with my faith.  I was doing it for the wrong reason.

And that is why I took a break from writing.

That....and God made me do it.  He knew what I was doing and how I was going off on a weird path with this whole blogging thing and decided to give me writer's block.  Everything that I wrote sounded really dumb.  I have a few drafts saved on here to prove it (which shall promptly be deleted).  When I couldn't get the right words out any longer, I started looking back at what I was doing and saw my flaws.  I was wrong.

I thought several times I would come back and write, but I didn't.  The main reason is because I was still working on getting God first and foremost in my life, and I didn't want to allow the blog writing (and acquiring readers) to get in the way of that.  I put my big girl pants on and did what was right.  I let God lead me.

The last couple of weeks I've begun writing blogs in my head without even really knowing it.  They became Facebook statuses.  Just thoughts I had and wanted to speak out into existence, to no one in particular.  And that's when God told me I could write again.

So I'm back.