FMF: Comfort

Five Minute Friday: One word prompt; Five minutes of uninterrupted, unfiltered writing. However, I never time myself. Why censor what is from the heart?

COMFORT

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. --2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

I'm actually surprised this is the prompt for today.  Well, not really, since God usually brings these things to me to make sure I make moves.

Yesterday, my sister sent me this link.  Go ahead, go read it.  I promise you won't be disappointed.  You can read this post first and the go read it.  I'm pretty sure you will be intrigued after you hear my words.

For years, I have suffered from chronic depression. I have been taking medications for 17 years (holy cow I feel old).  Even with the medications, life is hard.  I go through bouts of just not feeling right. It's very uncomfortable and confusing.  I have never been able to explain to anyone how this feels.  Not my family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists, not even myself.

This unexplainable pain leads to frustration and anger for not being able to express what I am going through.  I wrote the following to my mom and sister after reading the blog linked above:

I read it and cried the whole time. I cannot tell you how much that says exactly how it feels. I have thought so many times that I just want to die so I don't have to do it anymore because it's so hard to try and try and try and get no where. And I'm not even talking about just this crap I am going through. I'm talking about life. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking, and with no one understanding it, not even myself, I get so angry and agitated. I am so glad whoever this is wrote this so people can know somewhat of how it feels and how hard it is.

Now, let me move back just slightly.  I would never take my own life.  God has given me this life as a gift and who am I to take control of that.  BUT I will fully admit there have been times where I have felt so helpless that I have begged God to just let me leave this world so I didn't have to feel this way.  Of course, He never answered this prayer.  Why would He?  He has much better things for me...

Back to "comfort"...  What do you do when someone is feeling like this and you just don't get it (trust me, they don't either!!)?  If you've read the blog that I am speaking about (here's the link again), you'll know what I am talking about in this part of my email to my mom and sister:

About the dead fish...when I am so incredibly down and out, mom used to lay down with me in bed and just put her arms around me while I cried. That is the best thing ever for someone to do when they can't see the dead fish. That's kind of why I'm having such a hard time with mom and you so far away right now. All I want is to be held while I cry. No one can give me advice that will help, no one can do anything to make it better. Nothing will help. But that hug is basically the way I know you care without understanding.

I have had a lot of people in my life go through my bouts of depression and none of them knew what to do.  In all honesty, neither did I.  I didn't know what they could do to help me, to fix me.  Like I said above, I would get really angry at them because I felt that even though I was so confused, because they weren't going through it, they should some how know what to do.

I remember when I was 17, I had a therapist that I literally yelled at and told her that she didn't know how to do her job because I was spiraling into an abyss of nothingness.  She should have been able to save me, right?  Out of everyone in my life, she should know what to do!

I'm not writing this to tell you what to do in these situations.  I'm not claiming that I know what will work.  I'm not claiming that anything even works for myself really.  But if you have someone in your life that suffers from depression, please please PLEASE read that blog (<--linked it again, that's how important it is!!!).  Although it is so very very hard to understand (probably impossible), this will give you insight like no other.  And it's easy to read and kind of funny (the corn will make you smile).

Lastly, I'm going to give you a verse.  Although, like I said, nothing really helps, I find comfort in God's words that it will end soon and better things are yet to come.  God will give you that hug when no one else can.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7